October 9th, 2008

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

I Think Therefore I Should Go To Sleep

I don't know what inspires people to mix alcohol and theology, but it does slightly amuse me that such things occur repetitively.

Juliette came home when I was on my way back to the room. She gave me a hug, and I knew she had had more than the one pint she was holding. Alisha gave me a hug and was strange. I shrugged and smiled and hugged, and welcomed them home because that's what I do.

Alisha went off to bed. Juliette sat across the corridor from my door.

I slid down the wall to listen.

She spilled everything. She's so hurt by judgmental Christians who see her as a lesser-Christian for not being Christian the exact way she is. Sometimes she thinks I don't understand, but then she realizes I am part of a loosely-termed "organized religion" that is basically made up of the people who don't like things like that. We spoke a lot about religion, philosophy, love, life changes, and the Mind.

Her major is philosophy. She is so concerned with all of it, and the fact that she can't stop thinking. I have shared that I am the same--at least, it is my background. I noticed that she is always thinking as someone else speaks, for she always has a new topic that is sometimes connected by a very short string. I gently pointed this out. She agreed.

I told her I have to meditate before I sleep. She asked me how I did this and I gave her the long, piece-by-piece explanation because I thought it would help. She was very curious. We spoke it over. I mentioned that I had a book to lend her when I finish it (I'm reading it slowly), The Power of Now. That I thought it was a great book for the Thinkers like us to read.

She mentioned all these factors of philosophy--synthetic vs. analytical, Dalton, etc. And I realized I just don't care what these old men in history sit around thinking, unless it has an effect I see in my current life. I feel as though thinkers to the same degree today would not get the same respect and pedestal-level admiration in this day of Constant Instant Communication and 10-Second Fame as they would in the past, when it seems to me harder to get the word out. Or that it seems the time factor is more decisive in choosing the Deeply Affecting People--the thinkers, the painters, the actors/actresses, I guess presidents, etc. So perhaps my close association with the current time, and everyone else's presence in this still-modern time prevents us from viewing who our Pedestal People will be.

Regardless, I felt blasphemous for my disagreement. "I think, therefore I am." That our thought of existence makes us exist, that God must exist because we could not conceive of something higher than ourselves and thus he must have put himself there, and that maths exist because we can prove the existence of 1+1, etc. It pretty much drew a circle around all the things that I DON'T think of as existence. I don't think my thoughts make me real, I think being in my thoughts makes me less existent (but, oh goodness, there's a thought, and now I'm a paradox); I don't see God as a Higher Being nor do I have his definition as "perfection," so I can't conceive that one there; maths existing I'm most fuzzy about because of school conflicts--I think of it on the level of physics with the quote, "Gravity doesn't give a damn if you believe in it or not." But basically I seem to view them all as things created by the mind, and thus less existent, because I don't much value the mind and all the sodding up it seems to do with what could potentially really be there. But there's a garbled sentence as well. Basically, I must not be a pedant.

Juliette could tell I was a thinker. As I am dancer, singer, writer, student, artist, etc. It impressed her. It inspired all these other conversations with religion.

She is so conflicted with the religious belief vs. practical mind. It made me so thankful to have been raised by a Zen-interested, theology-nerd Atheist father and a compassionate, loving, world-interested UU mother. Regardless of Nature Vs. Nurture--at least my Nurture kept my Nature from having to fight through lots of mind walls.

I told her that one of my father's favorite sayings was, "Everything is meaningless, and the fact that it is meaningless is meaningless." I told her how much I loved that phrase and that it gave me this huge release from all the junk that pools and seeps and storms in my mind. We joked and smiled.

It was just very intense conversation, and I just sat and listened to everything she said. I wanted to make sure she got to talk because I could tell she wasn't feeling the chances often. She has come to me a few times.

This doesn't cease to amaze me, this people-coming-to-me sort of thing. Older, younger, same-aged people coming to spill to me. I am honored, truly, I am. Surprised still.

I'm going to go to sleep now. I am so glad Thursday is the day I don't have a 9 a.m. class. First class at 2 p.m. So some sleep, a trip to the bank, and class.

Sometimes I feel incredibly old. Then I think of one of the above phrases and just smile at myself.

It feels good to know when I'm thinking, and be able to point to it in my mind and say, "That is a thought." Just a nice clean white label with "thought" on it amongst a storm of thought-threads, a tangle of yarn-ideas in one big jumbled mess, but bit by bit, they are being labeled for what they are!

(Incidentally, I have also thus far been able to relate with every single person about his or her major. I am surprised. I think my Interest In Everything stance is beginning to show. Also, with a little smile, I express that they all think I can sing! They hid outside my door and listened when I didn't know they were there, and then apparently talked about how they liked my voice, and then Juliette ended up telling me about it in the elevator today.)

That's it! Done!
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.


Sleeping until 10.30 is the most amazing thing. Mmmm. Thursdays are thus far epic. We'll see what I think about having four hours of Environment in Practice I in the evening. Hope I don't miss dinner.

Also, wish they were done cleaning the bathroom so I could take a shower and use the washroom in peace.

If I don't make it to the bank today I'm OK; I'll make sure to go after class tomorrow. I am excusing myself for this one day because I think I have officially come down with the Freshers' Flu (finally) and I really needed the 8 hours sleep.

Woke up with a sore throat. It feels better now that I'm awake. I'm a bit congested, more so than I think allergies would provide. I feel quite alright though. I took some Sambucol and one Women's Daily (I'm going to try to make them last longer than if I took two a day, and my body can't use that much anyway). Had some Vinto water. Will have an apple and banana for breakfast, probably after I get to shower and get ready for the day.

Tonight is Freshers' Ball but I didn't get a ticket because I was waiting until I opened a bank account. They're sold out. I'm actually not that down about it at all--I don't have a formal dress, but there was no way I was going to go out and buy one like the others, I don't feel so fabulous, and I would really enjoy a quiet night in to get stuff done and/or sleep.

So all in all it's still all good! Smiles.

Also, this paragraph is dedicated to hoping Mrs. Cavanagh does not have a migraine today, nor any other sort of pain. It may be a short paragraph but it is filled with love.