September 29th, 2008

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Not Anywhere

I wish my body would stop crying.

It's not even caused by conscious thoughts anymore, they must be just underlying feelings.

It will be really hard to make friends if my eyes keep watering during meals and I'm unable to talk.

Also, it was stupid to put on makeup this morning. On the bright side, I discovered that if I'm wearing blue mascara when I cry, my tears are blue. If I had been able to be amused at the time I would have been very entertained.

I have no idea what I'm doing here. I don't have my stupid little blue packet that tells me what I can do on what days. I don't have most of the packets, because I'm an idiot and forgot to pack them. So I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm so worried I'm going to royally frak this up.

I'm going to try to go to student services to see if they can help me figure things out, and try to make it to NatWest or whatever to open a bank account.

I really hope I can manage all that without spontaneous crying bouts, but somehow I also doubt it, because the minute I think about the fact that I can't stop crying I start up again.

I also can't post this really anywhere because now I have all my family and a few church friends watching me on Facebook, and I don't want to worry them by having them know I'm presently miserable. I also don't really want my mother to know because she'll worry out of her mind and keep remembering her anxiety and sending me stuff for it and mainly just worrying; so I hope she just came to look at the pictures of my room, and isn't actually reading this now.

I am a nervous wreck. I don't want to be home, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be in my head, I don't want to be anywhere. I take it back--I want to be in a pleasant place with my kindred spirits (loosely used to mean all those I am close to and have touched souls with) in a comfortable place with many amazing books. But as that presently isn't going to happen, I don't want to be anywhere.


I am filled with emo angst.

Angst angst angst...-Hits head on wall.- Giggles, Potter Puppet Pals.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.


Alright. So. I woke up today after sleeping way in until 11 (skipping breakfast) and then showered. And when people came up to the hall while I was brushing my hair I went out and greeted them. I felt pretty alright. I got myself all ready and went down for lunch.

Then I kept getting teary again and was going, "Alright, WTFrak, there's no conscious thought this time. It's just the tears. All the time. For know knowledgeable reason." So after that I came upstairs, wrote that angsty entry, and cried the blue tears.

Then I got really sick of myself. I thought, "The Kiwi I know would not sit around going O Woe is Me, she would be scared but grab the bull by the horns and go for one hell of a ride." So I frantically searched through my bag and FOUND my Freshers-week packet. I found out that I picked it up in the nick of time, because I had an academic welcome meeting to go to at 2 (it was then 1.20) in the Agriculture building. It was way far away.

While walking over there, I fell back into some self-pity over my leg hurting. I then got sick of myself, booted myself out of my head, and joked with one of the Freshers Angels about how I had wished the agriculture building had suddenly transported itself closer since the last time I had looked at the map. They chuckled and I went on my way. I admired the lake walk and all the trees, and wished that the trees were labeled. I got to the agriculture building and saw that the lecture theatre was full, so I went off to the corner of the hall and admired all the pretty people. (Everyone here is so GORGEOUS! I was thinking, "Gods, I don't need a girlfriend, I could just watch these girls all day long!" And they were really amazing--all into the life sciences, as well, since they were going for the life science welcome.)

Then I went down and decided to sit in one of the front rows. Asked if I could sit next to one of the girls who took a seat near the ones I like--front, not exact front, and middle. We started talking and she reassured me. Then an important but monotone and slightly boring speaker gave a speech. Then an exciting man who made us laugh and picked on people and had us do activities to get us speaking with those nearby us. Christina--the girl next to me--and I decided we were obviously advanced. I also spoke with Carry, who is a mature student going to school now that her kids have left the nest. And a man from China but I didn't catch his name because it was loud. The Speaker had us do an elementary gesture of putting our hands on our heads and quit our talking when he did so. That was giggle-worthy, since the first time we failed and he had to blow his whistle.

It was a nice talk. I left much relieved. I then went and explored the poster sale that was happening near the union. A lot of the posters were really great--if they weren't 4 quid each or 3 for 10 I probably would have picked them up, but I didn't have the space and didn't want to spend the money. I joked with others about things we liked--the movie Amalie and a few others. Everyone was epic. I checked out the union to see what they had--nice stores, but I don't imagine I'll shop there much, too expensive. But there is a really nice little shop that specializes in oriental quick foods, so I know if I'm ever really hungry on a Saturday night with no dinner since they don't serve, I can spend 75p and buy noodles-in-a-cup. No inexpensive rucksacks, couldn't find a watch, the line for the NUS card was insane.

Realized I wasn't going to make it to the bank and decided I would give that up for the day. Went into student services to get help about where I went for module selection, because I remembered that I got a letter with a change but couldn't remember what the change was. The student service lady couldn't tell me the information but told me to go to the Physics building where the faculty office for my department was. When I asked about online information--username, password, email--she gave me a sheet of paper and asked if I had gone to get my official card. I said no, was I supposed to go to Palmer? She told me there was a huge que there so I should just go to the green chairs off to the side. Before I could sit a kind student called me in, took my picture, assuaged my worries, gave me some free stuff and my student diary and my card, and let me off.

I then went to explore the library and realized it really is an academic library and I wouldn't find much fiction there unless it was for study. So if I do have any pleasure reading time during term-time, I'll probably go explore the town library if there is one--generally they're smaller and cozier anyway, and probably a good community for me to have. It was nice to be in a library.

Came back to dorm in time for Kate to invite me to dinner, so I went and enjoyed dinner with her and two others. We shared cake together because none of us wanted a full portion. The food was tolerable.

We came up and all started talking in the hallway, sat down in front of my door and the door separating the two parts of our section of corridor. We discussed Americans, differences in schooling, schooling terminology, drinking and ridiculous stuff, and loads of other stuff. I am also terrible with names.

Got to know Juliet, who has allowed me to call her Andi or Romeo since both of those names come up in my head when I think of her / remember her real name. We've all decided to stay in for the night because we're exhausted from going out and most of them want to go out tomorrow night. I'm not sure I will since it's purely a Vodka Night, and it's off-campus, and I'd have to buy a ticket... But that's fine.

I think we're all going to hang out at the bar downstairs. They have understood my enjoyment of doing stay-in things in go-out settings (Juliet said, "It just means you're easy to please!") and about the non-drinking. Juliet says it's probably a good thing anyway. She saw my room and asked if it was Gay Pride rainbow and I said, "Well, it used to be, but mainly I've just loved rainbow since I was young." We had a chat down by her room as well. She's really neat.

We're going to go to Primart on Thursday morning, a group of us. I've learned that basically all of my shopping can be done at Primart and Argos, and that if I need cheap food, apparently go to Asda. So I'm learning!

But yes, this is an update to say, YAY, I'm doing well! I think a HUGE fear of mine was that I didn't know WHAT the heck I was supposed to be doing. Now I have the essentials down--I'm enrolled, I have my student card, I've gone to my welcome meeting, and I know when my module selection time is. I've also visited the library, know where the faculty offices are for my department, and know where the main building is for my section.

Now that I am less freaked out by that I feel far more able to make friends and not be flipping out! And they have realized that I'm NOT really shy or snobby, I was just really concerned.

So. Things are good, yay.