September 19th, 2008

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.


I have so much trouble separating my Self from my Thoughts.

I don't want to think I'm a terrible person.

I don't want to cry and panic over stupid things I can't change that should be petty in my life. It's an ended relationship, Kiwi, please get over it. You are hurting, you are crying. Are you healing? I wish I knew more.

I am nervous. The current reason is stupid. I go, I have a grand time, how do I phrase an email? Will I get a response? Should I bother at all? I don't email robots. I've spoken with enough on insurance phone lines. I don't need them in my real life. Please don't be a Cyberman.

Tomorrow starts my last weekend in this country, on this side of the ocean--and it won't be in this room, the room in which I've spent so much time. Computering and emailing and doing rituals and dancing and sleeping and entertaining. I will need to take down the posters and things I want.

I wish I didn't get so down. Life is so peaceful and joyful for me, and then I remember things, and then I hit a Slump.

This is not the Kiwi I love. But I am still in here. I just can't separate.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Empty Energy

I am tired. Not just the I-got-a-bit-less-than-7-hours tired.

Emotionally exhausted, I guess. I always think I'm getting better with this and then I realize I'm not. And I'm still just a petty child.

Today I have my last 5 hours, then hanging out with Sapph! So I should be happy!

And I will be, I think, when I'm not in this room.

I will be, I think, when I'm not in this country.

If I end up crying as much over there, at least I'll have an adequate reason to pin it to--homesickness. Something like that.

I feel simultaneously empty and filled with bad energy. I didn't know it was possible to feel that way. I could really use some calm, kind energy right now.

10 minutes to work. Wish it didn't give me such adequate time to sit there thinking. Just 5 hours. You can do it, Kiwi.

Picturing skipping around a room cheering this, but then the me in my head collapses into a heap.

I think something is up. I think I need to write about it.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Teh Kwii's Kweh

  • 09:24 Kit and I just had a very long conversation about Sailor Moon, because she used to watch it, and she is googling it. Too funnny!
  • 10:42 @daheefanel I'm always thinking that too. Frown. Sending hugs!
  • 11:19 It smells like corn muffin in here because Mum brought me one. Onto terribly difficult calls!
  • 12:44 Kit cracks me up so hardcore. I am going to miss her! Our sarcasm fits perfectly.
  • 13:39 Claims is my last task of this job!
  • 14:00 I AM DONE!
And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!