August 26th, 2008

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Crying

I sobbed all the way home and probably shouldn't have been driving but felt I need to be home, went outside and cried in the grass because I couldn't stand being even inches away from the earth, and then went upstairs to my room and cried some more over my computer. Half an hour straight of full-out scream-sob crying.

I have said goodbye to two of the most important people for a while, at least in the IRL-sense, for one.

I had my goodbye/goodluck meeting with Mrs. Cavanagh before Virginia Beach because she didn't want a meeting in September when her life is school again. Then saying goodbye to Snoopy tonight 'cause she's leaving for Smith tomorrow morning. So I'm really feeling the hole that's left with the two of them not as present, and the fact that I'm still here--a) without my best friend and b) still as close to Mrs. Cavanagh, but not able to talk to her/see her.

I wanted tomorrow to be about waking up, unpacking, cleaning up a little, setting myself down to write some letters, and waiting for the parentals to get home to work on some more Reading stuff.

Shaya cheered me up quite a bit as did Liza. I'm grateful of that.

I'm still pretty down, though. I feel lonely. I still need to go through my emails but it's late and I need to sleep because I'm working tomorrow at 10, and I don't even know how long for. Sigh. My eyes sting.

It's kind of pathetic how hard my heart was crying out for Mrs. Cavanagh as I cried, because I wanted to cry with someone and have a shoulder and she was the one I was always most comfortable crying with. Rowies bubbled into my head as well.

I'm going to try to picture a room filled with Rowies, some Aggians, Mrs. Cavanagh and the teacher crew, and an assortment of other friends to pad me through sleep tonight and at least tomorrow if not the next few days.

I am so jealous of the kids that get to go in and experience chemistry with the Cavinator, if only because they get to see her and she's such a kind soul. I keep remembering her smile and her laugh. Her songs. Smile.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Dana called me at like 9:20 to tell me she was cleaning her room and was going through her sticker book. On the last page there was a little turtle sticker with a heart around it that said "5-3-2007 from Kiwi".

That would date it at physics junior year because I used to get a sticker every test/quiz and Dana never got any stickers. I used to give my stickers to everyone else.

I really want to go through all of my old high school crap. To get it over with.

I don't want to go to work. I want to sleep for a month. I am meg pathetic.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Teh Kwii's Kweh

  • 10:12 So I am not partially laid off. I am so disappointed. This is ridiculous.
  • 10:20 I am crying at work again. Good green, please, someone get me out of here. I'm an employer again. I want to cry and sleep.
  • 10:47 My application didn't go through and they highlighted that I needed a US Passport, which we sent since it came BACK with the application.
  • 10:47 I cannot currently express the depth of my sadness with life at this present moment. And I have 4 hours left of work.
  • 10:53 Out of the blue I saw a Rachel Carson quote from my gmail on a company paper. It is calming. Is it enough?
  • 11:40 It is not a good sign that every time I look at myself in the mirror or think about my life I have the urge to sob uncontrollably.
  • 11:59 I feel nauseous. This is not good. Of course it's not good. I miss kindred spirit, and I feel so pathetic I could cry. Am...drats this!
  • 13:01 I am going to stab myself in the stomach and I am going to feel relieved. I want to be at Smith, or at college anywhere, basically.
  • 13:41 Deb is talking about chicken soup. Confused? I be.
  • 13:58 On the bright side, I think the amount that my pre-uni time is stinking will make my beginning!uni time even more enjoyable.
And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!