August 6th, 2008

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.


So. My calendar is updated and stuff.

I have also now made plans with Joni and Michael from church, and a plan with Karen is in the making.

I am at a loss for getting a meeting in with Mrs. Cav in August. I'll be gone for a week for Virginia Beach, and then the next weekend I'll be gone for Maine. I will be exhausted in between. There is not a weekend-day in between. Before Virginia Beach is probably too soon.

If this doesn't happen I will be...fine? That's just too weird.

Thinking maybe I'll go for the Thursday before I go to Maine, and not work Friday on the excuse that I'm going to Maine and saying goodbye to people and other stuff. Plus I'll really be able to use the day.

I am tired and ready for bed. Not so excited about work tomorrow, but I will survive!

I really want to buy a Diva Cup. I was looking at the others, I don't want latex, and I have no problem fitting Reasonably Large Objects where the blood flows. I think I would do fine with it as long as I, obviously, got a size 1. Plus Ang gave me a coupon. So yay?

Have more stuff to look up. My teeth feel clean. I have a lovely new phone with the PINK PANTHER THEME SONG when I get a text. So text me! My dog is cute. The fan is nice. I'm only using a very small amount of my room--the bed, the rocking chair, the trunk, the dresser, and the "get ready in the morning lulz" little white container, of which I really only use the first drawer. I think my mind is getting ready for uni.

Night night! That's two in a day. Plus the daily (with work) twitter. Wickedddd.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Learning, Disagreeing

Borderline Personality Disorder:

No, I don't think I have that. I've also been to two years of therapy and it was never mentioned. I don't have difficulty perceiving reality. Maybe in SOME MOMENTS, but I can reign myself back in when it counts and I'm generally stable. I'm moody, sure, but I'm also still recovering from not letting myself have any emotion through a really hard time. It was taxing. It's something I'm working through.

I don't have any real problems with my Self. I love me always, even if I think I'm spotty or fat physically or I did something stupid or I feel my spirit was marred, I love me. Even when I say I don't. It's often being dumb and dramatic and I regret it later.

I was offended they put gender confusion with it, but they seemed to be putting confusion of anything Self with it. What do I know about psychology?

But no, I do not think I have borderline personality disorder. I don't feel as though I do. I have my panicky moments, but I know when they're happening and I can calm myself down. I am fine within moments. They are dying down, although they get worse around my moondays (which I am on currently).

I'm still going to look up EMDR, because that seems more associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and though I haven't looked that up specifically, everyone around me has mentioned it about me and I've spoken about it with my therapist. I'm quite sure I have some of that. Plus, Mrs. Cavanagh mentioned EMDR a while ago but I forgot about it, so it's something I've been meaning to look up for two years.

Off to more research while I should be tired because I'm interested.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Pre-Work Dream

Sigh. I'm not too interested in working today.

I also had a really weird dream. I dreamed that Lisa's house was a camp and Arah was one of the councelors with me. She had a brother who was trans and transitioning, and she (the brother) was having a really hard time of it, and it was depressing Arah. So I was being like Class Clown and cheery and Sharon was helping her and they decided she should take "pills."

Only the pills were really little orange-type candy and I knew that so then Arah and I were hanging out and I was giving her the candy mouth-to-mouth, like I had half in my mouth and she would bite the other half off. We had loads of fun.

Then Lisa, Sharon, she and I sat around the table saying how great all the others were. It was a strange feeling.

Now I have three minutes until I have to leave, I've finished my tea and meager breakfast, Mum is getting me a sub when she get's Dweeb one.

I got a postcard from Shaya and there are parts I can't read because the Post stamped over it but it made me very happy. Yay! I miss Shaya. My inbox is very empty without her, smile.

Back later. I have the whole day to myself today, I hope!
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Teh Kwii's Kweh

  • 10:00 @thinkingxbeing I'm feeling the same. Uh Oh.
  • 10:14 I understand what my brain was doing--it was creating a Safe Rowe state out of an uncomfortable work environment.
  • 10:39 I love all the pictures of my Twitterpals today! Rainbow dresses, trees, and what I presume to be something very cool.
  • 11:18 Kit just scared me out of my mind with her jumping over figuring out who was calling her a second too late. Giggle.
  • 11:42 I am really adoring this downpouring rain. It is SO worth the little hip pain that acts as its foreshadowing.
  • 11:51 Everyone else hates this weather and the thick puddles settling everywhere. The wind heartily greeting the leaves. I am in bliss.
  • 12:39 @thinkingxbeing Oh my goodness, I was thinking the same. Only first a little rain dancing because we know me and dance. Pouts too!
  • 12:54 It's pouring again and this is going to be a long task, probably my last of the day. Claims. Easy on the brain. Lucky.
  • 14:06 I have the combination of owwy stomach from drinking spoiled milk and the hunger-belly of having no breakfast or lunch. Awwr!
  • 14:59 I get to go home and eat now! Yaaaaaay! There is much rejoicing and prancing.
And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

I Replied, I'm Empty

My inbox is empty.

Which means I replied to Mrs. Cavanagh. Because I did. I sent what dates I was available in August. It's, like, 5. And only 3 are very good at all. There is no way in this hurting Earth this will go the way it does in my head. I can only hope that it goes the way my heart wishes.

I emailed Laura from my family because I finally found her email. I packed up a reasonable present for Makuchan. I'm trying to think of more gifts for Makuchan and Twiony.

We finished my British Passport Application. Hedley really likes me and thinks it takes guts for me to go over to England and he is jealous. He did the same thing I did, just in the opposite direction--he ditched A levels to come to uni here in the States. His wife Sarah loved my hair and enjoyed touching it, saying it was, "A lovely thick braid. Such rich brown!" It was very apparent she always wanted a daughter by the statement, "If I had a daughter with hair like this, I would always be at her to let me braid it." I felt a little twinge of guilt since when I was a tyke I wouldn't let Mum play with my hair much (she was hard on it) and only my grandmother. But not many people got to touch my hair. I was a free spirit, always up and about and around with few words. A tomboyish spirit. Ah, young me.

I feel sort of empty with my empty email inbox, which is slightly pathetic. I want to keep trying to do things.

One of these days, I'm going to write.

Have any of you heard of Tierney Sutton? I've had it planned in my head for two years now, but some day, really, I'm going to write a McGonagall/Hooch story that goes along with her songs, even though some of them are covers. Just the way she sings and the songs she sings reminds me of them. I can't believe I've shipped them since I was 15. How many 15-year-old babydykes ship witches in their 70s from Harry Potter?

Yeah, and back to life.

Edit - "Snowbound" from the CD She gave me of The London Symphony Orchestra just came on. She gave it to me for winter solstice, on the day, and I was shocked because She remembered my holiday of choice and I was so happy and it was so beautiful. I thought she would give it to me the Friday before vacation but She didn't because She remembered. I gave her a toothbrush bracelet, and even though it wasn't much, I think She appreciated it for being unique and fun and hard and crafty because She knows me. And She wore it that day and the next few, and people loved it and She smiled at them because it was special. People loved that I made it, when they found out. This is the song that I connected with my Solstice experience, and it just ended, and my heart feels peaceful for the moment. Of course I still love Her. How could I not?