August 5th, 2008

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

I Can Do It

I am continuously cleaning my room.

I talked with Arah and it was excellent.

I organized my purse; Snoopy would be proud of me. Way less Random Stuff. Which is kind of sad in a Kiwi way, but I'm sure it'll gather again. (I'm sure we all have faith in that. After all, I still have the pee-standing-up thing and kiddie utensils and a useless lighter that's fun to play with).

I have a good To Do List.

I worked 2 extra hours after not sleeping much last night.

I need to write in my written journal, because I haven't for a while.

I've done a lot of thinking and it has been horrendous and wonderful.

My favorite part of today was resting on the pile of my blankets and pillows (I vaccuumed and made my bed) looking at the ceiling, listening to London Symphony Orchestra's "Amanda's Song," hugging Winston my medical-comfort-stuffie from 1st grade, smiling with Rowebear and thining about Mrs. Cavanagh and all the comfort we used to have. And it didn't end with a pained smile.

I can do this. I am strong. I can make it through a supposedly friendless September. I can work, I can smile, I can cry and dance and sing, I can make music and share love and I can DO this.

I miss my best friend and I miss Rowe and my loves there, but I'm here and I'm OK.
  • Current Music
    The Boys of Summer -- Don Henley
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Teh Kwii's Kweh

  • 16:26 I am picking up my father around 6 and the kids of the family will be hitting him up for food. And possibly gas lulz...</3.
  • 16:59 I be free to go home and get clean and eat and yay! Ooooh, Peace Corps, pretty colors...
  • 10:44 Today is going to be a very slow day. Mesa tired! Claims, complications, geh. I wanna listen to Pashi's cute song!
  • 11:33 I wish they would just give me all the information I need before I make a call. Or, y'know, TELL me there's a claim denial already.
  • 12:42 PIP packages can be work from heck sometimes. How hard is it to DATE notes? Really? And send them in a timely fashion?
  • 13:57 This is the second time today a UU friend of mine has used the word "doldrums." Thus, my life is awesome. Love the Pashigret!
  • 15:03 I'm running now! Geeeh late.
And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

The Call In

So that was interesting.

I got a new phone (which is totally epic) and I'm home being happy and the phone rings. LisaBoss's number. I answer the phone, don't know the voice for a minute since I'm expecting Lisa, and then I realize it's Sharon.

She's talking about a providor (doctortypeperson) and about bad organization and how she wants to see me for 10 minutes off hours and my body is like, "Hey, wouldn't this be an EXCELLENT time to panic?" And despite my brain saying, "No, it wouldn't" at the same time that my mouth is saying, "Sure, it's a good time" even though it isn't, my body decides it's going to panic anyway. So Sharon's like, "You OK?" and my mouth babbles, "Oh, I'm just easy to upset."

I run down there and exit the car saying, "Fuckfuckfuck" which is surprising because I'm much more of a "frakfrakfrak" person, but whatever. And there is Arah mucking the stalls. So my brain is reeling, "whaaaaatman?" She's like, "You OK?" and I'm like, "Shitno. I'm here to be told what I'm doing off hours. But I have your book for after." And she was like, "I have the necklace for you." I smiled and said, "Oh good, I'll so need it!" and ran inside.

I love the dogs. They calmed me a little. I walked to Sharon's part and I was crying already. I couldn't find the "off" faucet for my body, so they kept coming. I paid attention and stuff--it's all stuff I've learned since the time I did it. I kept entered claims in the New Claims folder. Over a month ago. Now that's bad, yes, but it's also bad that she is supposed to be in SOLE CONTROL of that provider and she DIDN'T NOTICE until now. When she's supposed to be totally ontop of what's in New Claims at all times. So she obviously wasn't doing so well either.

Anyway, Kit was still there and I could hear her and Lisa talking. And my body was like, "Eiiii I love tears!" even when I told it to knock it off. So after we stopped talking about organization (she's going to help me with all the stuff I already know now, but I'm good with that, I want to make sure I'm doing all this right now) we started talking about Me. One of my least favorite topics sometimes. She told me to look up EMDR, a form of therapy that Mrs. Cavanagh has also mentioned to me, and borderling personality disorder.

Because I can't control my emotions sometimes. AKA, my tears. With Kit I can turn to contained anger that dilutes into cranky, cynical sarcasm that I enjoy until I'm in a good mood again. The beginning of the cycle is taxing but it works. It works with others during work hours.

The complication is that I was friends with my two Big Bosses before they were my bosses, and that is strange. That she has the ability to call me off hours as a Friendly Boss. In some ways it's really not right. In others, it's what works; if she had done it DURING the day when everyone was doing well, I would have fared probably worse even if it wasn't noticable to others. Anyway. The lot of is strange.

But I picked up Da and enjoyed reading Cunt some more. Taking it slow. Home and McSpleeny called. Antoinette is probably having a little party Sunday so I'm happy about that. Friday night to Saturday night is about Dana's birthday since it's Friday.

I need to find two birthday presents. Or make some. Or find some. No car tonight. Huhhhh. Think, Kiwi!

I'm really doing alright now. We'll see how tomorrow goes! Regardless, I'll be OK because that's how I am. I hurt, I cry, I heal!

(Sharon said as a form of compliment, "I don't care what you say, I want you back next summer!" And while yes I felt complimented, I thought somewhat sarcastically, "Yes, it's entirely apparent you don't care." It was odd being in the meeting today and hearing Lisa give this whole schpeel about medical billing and making money, and how attentively the others cared. And I'm thinking, "Well, OK, but I have no interest in medical billing or making huge amounts of money at the loss of great buckets of my integrity." So it was a funny strange.)

Alright so Sharon even sent me a text to check up on me because they were worried they had discouraged me and that wasn't their intention because they love me there and think I do a fabulous job. (And while a lot of that is a sales pitch, it's also true in many cases.) It's very apparent they care about me.

-Shakes fist at tears.- At least you work now, though, even if I can't always find an effective way to turn you off...

I wonder if I'll have to go back to thinking "stone stone stone" to stop from crying sometimes. Hmm. It worked for younger!Kiwi.
  • Current Music
    Down On Me -- Janis Joplin