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Kiwi Crocus
01 August 2008 @ 12:33 am
I just realized that the reason I haven't finished my novel is because I'm AFRAID to.

Because I will FINISH my novel, but the lot of it won't have ENDED. It's set up to be a pair or a trilogy or something beyond one. I'm afraid to say a temporary goodbye to these characters and this setting, because even if I have intentions of going back to them later in my life, what if I don't? They will always be an unfinished story in my mind. I love them. I don't want to do that to them.

I also can't continue working with them, because I need a break. I need to go finish that lovely barely-plotted high school novel that is basically just a big comment on Normality because I miss the characters and I WANT to finish it because I like finishing things.

I'm not at all incapable of finishing things. This is the girl who wrote a novel in three days sophomore year. I'm nuts about writing, we all know that.

This may be my last big writing project at home. I can deal with that. I'm stepping into a mystery and I don't know who will step out. I don't know how closely I will resemble the Self that steps out. I think quite a lot, but I wonder what things will change. Sometimes subtle changes can have a lot of effect.

Like whether I will want to end the Kan'ai story. And if I don't, well, what will it matter because I won't care? But the Kiwi of this moment, 12:36 AM on the first day of August in 2008 will care, and that care will trickle up to whatever Self comes later. I know that because I have that sensation from younger Kiwis--her cares come up through me. I'm not hugely fond of horses any more, but I am still drawn to them for her and I still love them through her. Enough to write the sort of fantasy novel she (I) would have thought up as a kid!

That's what I did. I wrote a fantasy story about companionship between people and animals, between mentors and mentees. A story that has thick friendship and love that conquers. That has plot, but also has great joy and celebrates the moments where nothing particular is going on.

I wrote the type of story that my younger self would fantasize over, would want to be a part of while she was prodded with needles and bullied and too shy to talk to people so consequently failed and thought of as 'special.' She's still in me.

So we'll all be in this new Self that comes from whatever mystery I'm stepping into.

Somehow, all of this has come to my mind as I think of the conclusion of this part of my character's journey--the End of this novel--and how I both want to get it over with and be done, but also never want to end for fear of never starting up again.

Ah well. At least tomorrow after 3 it's the weekend. That always makes things better. Off to the Cape again, for general craziness. But this time I'll have a little lappy friend and all of my writing will come with me. Great excitement.
 
 
Kiwi Crocus
01 August 2008 @ 04:14 pm
  • 10:31 I am at work with a headache and a yucky tummy. Er...at least it's Friday? I miss people.
  • 11:32 I just finished my glass of water, and Pashi is in Great Water Peril! I will go get another cup in her honor.
  • 12:48 I always have to pee and it is not fair.
  • 12:54 I was just ASKED to go to the bathroom so someone could use my computer. It was brilliant and perfect.
  • 14:33 I am so hungry, and Kit can be so mean, and it's all so patronizing...but Lisa is saccharine and I wonder sometimes; I just want to be home.
  • 15:00 I am running out of here.
And that's a wrap, folks! Kupokweh!