July 22nd, 2008

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Reading and not Writing

I think it's funny that I haven't been posting or reading entries because I've been spending all my time on livejournal. Only it's been on the reading part.

First I was only using LJ seek to find Cavcreature posts. Then I was going to search "Cav" instead of "Cavanagh."

Now I've just done it by starting with the first day of sophomore year, the first day I would have seen her officially, and going on from there.

It's fascinating seeing that where I am right now it's still just Chem Class and I'm only concerned about Tests and Quizzes and Grades and Friends. But I've just hit my birthday posts, and now I'm on to going back to school after my 16th birthday.

Did anyone else remember that I spent Valentine's Day right before my 16th birthday being unable to eat or drink, then having surgery, then being in pain and on heavy drugs? I had entirely forgotten. But I really was a trooper. I'm impressed, where I am today, with how well I handled everything. And that's not to say I don't think I would be able to handle it that way if I went back or had to re-do it now, I'm just...

I can forget sometimes what an effect it all has had.

Now to wrap all this up so I can go to bed and wake up tomorrow for another day of work. I actually left near 3 today, so just 5 hours. I'll probably do just 5 hours tomorrow too so I can stop by at Aero while Snoopy is working and look at the type of bags they have. That hold laptops.

Because, after all, my laptop should come right in the beginning of August! I am so excited! I will try to find as many places to use it in as I can. Eeeei.

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

The Situation

I wonder if I'm really going to throw up.

I made it through sophomore year and now I'm well into junior year, almost to the end, but I stopped authentically reading them and only searched keyword "Cav."

I couldn't handle it. It's too close. It's watching the disintegration. It's watching up to the hip replacement, when the Cav came to my HOUSE. And it was so beautiful. It healed me.

And I had to go and break senior year.

I was so happy. Before I got to junior year entries, I was so...so happy! Reading these long (but beautiful) entries, I just can't do it.

I was so giggly to see that all my entries seemed to deal with my cleaning my room, because I never really finish and even when I do I have to start over. And by my funny antics.

I'm going to explode. I want to rip out my stomach. I want to cry and scream and roll around and punch things. I want to slam my head against things.

"Which adds to the fact that if she ever turned her cheek, I would turn to stone for a good long while and experience pain nigh intolerable. But she won't, and I need to begin to understand this."
@ 2007-01-05 17:58:00

Why did I decide to begin to understand that? But then again, sigh, I wouldn't have been any more prepared if I hadn't made myself understand. And I turned my cheek too, but it was because I felt I had to--it was a defense.

It was my turning to stone. This is my good long while. This is my pain nigh intolerable.

And the thing that REALLY gets me? It's not even that I miss her. Yes, I have those little missing feelings that I have with Watsonii and Brown and numerous others.

But this is from the ending we had. This is from my need to clear things up and have this not be a festering wound from my adolescence. It's my need to sit with her as an adult and have a conversation about high school, because she could help me there. It's for my forgiveness of me and her and the two of us together. It's, if it has to be, goodbye.

I have been such a brat.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

How I'm Feeling in Song

Bombs are dropping, smoke fills the air
i wanna duck and cover but i've gotta stay out here
'cause i know myself and if i hole up in my room
i'll be consumed by the doom and the gloom

so i called john 'cause i know he knows sorrow
he said "i'll be in the city tomorrow"
so i go down and i watch him sing
and the way he sings sends a chill right through me, yeah

and now there's a mountain goat
precariously balanced on the frog stuck in my throat
it says "sometimes whispering's okay,
but maybe you'd feel better if you screamed today"

That's how I'm feeling, I guess. Thank you Kimya Dawson! (Lullaby for the Taken.)
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.


I am afraid of far too many things.

Right now I'm awake trying to do scholarship stuff but of course it sucks out my soul.

I looked up Aggie teachers on ratemyteachers.com or whatever. It was cute. They pinned a lot of the teachers really well. I always love looking at the love/hate teachers.

I still have so much stuff I should be doing. This livejournal project was important to me, though. I have enough of it done that I do feel better and relieved. I remember a lot now. I have more appreciation for myself.

I plan to do a lot of emails in the upcoming week. Teachers, friends, etc.

And I'm going to do it. If it kills me (and it'll kill me if I don't), I will email Mrs. Cavanagh. Ask for a meeting even if it's a goodbye coffee. I need this. If she says no, well, I guess that really is goodbye. Never would have imagined her turning her cheek for anything but a goodbye peck, but if no meeting is the case then I guess that's that. But she's her, the person I've loved these two years past and will into my future, so I doubt that will be the case.

Schedule for now:

- Wednesday: Club Hell?
- Thursday: Mall shopping for laptop bag?
- Friday: Boston to see Ang and stay over attempting to make cake or something. Grin.
- Saturday: Goodbye Boston, hello drive to the Cape to see the Earthmothers and fam.
- Sunday: Staying over so still Cape. Drive home, I guess.
- Monday: Back to work. Joy, right?

36 more days of work, I think.
10 more days until laptop, I think.
Need more countdowns.