July 15th, 2008

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

Night and Day

Yesterday was pretty horrible. I woke up and got ready for work. Went to work. Repeated in my head in a sing song voice, "I hate my job and I like eeeeet" which apparently made time go by faster and made me enjoy the work more. Huh. That stuff is weird.

They "told" me to stay until four and I agreed. Then five, I drew the line. I had already been hungry enough after staying past three to have Mum, when she offered, bring me a sandwich. I was only planning to work until three.

I came home and went on the Internet. Planned to clean my room a bit. But Mum had sent an email saying Sam (Dweeb's friend who lives in PA now) and his Dad were going to take us all out, on George (the dad) because he has an expense account for wine selling and was going to pretend we were clients.

Sam came over and was hanging with Dweeb. Then when he was going to go home and shower he walked past my door way and stopped. He said, "So you hate me?" I looked at him and was like, what? He pointed toward the computer room and said something about it being him. I was too shocked to even say, "No I don't" but I think he got that.

I went to the computer room and it was empty. I went to Dweeb's room and confronted him. He said Sam had planned to come talk to me, and that he had told Sam I hated him so that he wouldn't bother me. Dweeb thought he was "doing it for me." He was like, "you used to complain about him for hours." Hours? Yeahno. We got angry and started yelling. He told me Sam annoyed me, so I must hate him. I said again I don't hate anyone, and he was annoying me, so maybe I hated him...?

We actually screamed at each other across the hall between our bedrooms, which we haven't done in a while. It was pretty funny. I was truly peeved. I don't hate Sam. In the past, he has annoyed me with the way he says thing and the phrases he uses, as well as his views on women, lesbians, etc. But when it comes down to it he's a pretty accepting guy and no I don't hate him. Plus, as people grow up, they have a tendency to get better every year.

I made a blowing off steam post on sheroes. It turned out long. When Sam came back from the shower I went out and said, "You know I don't hate you, right?" And he was like, "Yeah I know." I smiled and added, "Adolescent boys have a tendency to get better every year." So he joked, "You brother's getting better, then?" and I clarified, "Well, SOME boys... No just kidding." And we were good.

The dinner was nice. Wicked expensive place that I apparently don't have the culture for. I liked the dessert and the Shirley Temple most...

Me, Sam, and Dweeb talked a lot. I'm still not sure if Dweeb knows just how much he talks, and how frequently he just talks RIGHT THROUGH people. Like stop, the other person will start, and he starts right back up again. He just keeps talking. Sam was pretty alright. We talked about girls and such for a while. He uses a lot of stereotypes and stuff like that, but shrug.

Mum was drinking wine (duh, very expensive wine) and getting progressively louder. She was quite outspoken about how she didn't like the bread anymore. She had a very strange conversation with one of George's friend-beings.

She asked me not to forget the take-home. I suggested she come and get it, because I didn't think I would remember. (I didn't particularly love my meal anyway, so I didn't have that inspiration to remember. Mum enjoyed it all more.) She didn't.

Shock, I didn't remember. She realized when we were almost home. The three other Sta----'s agreed it was useless to go back, they were closing and would have thrown it out. She said she would drive herself. After she had already given me the keys at the place so I could drive us all home.

I said absolutely not. So instead of being home and tired, I drove my mother back to the restaurant while she was trying to reach them by phone. She found out right before we got there that the busboy had thrown it out. She asked if the container was still closed. It wasn't. So I turned around and drove us back home.

Internet was alright. I'm sick of getting so down-right depressed at night thinking about having to go to work, and how the two hours before the work in the morning are so very sad. If I think about it too much I cry.

I feel that I'm being irresponsible when I don't take on every single hour they offer to give me, like staying until 5 last night. I normally only work 25 hours a week. That would have meant 3 hours on Friday, which I would have liked, but I didn't have it in me. I wanted to be home.

Then Lisa just emailed me "I will be on my cell and have to go to Boston BUT if you need to chat about “hours” as Sharon told me, pls do call me Ok? Everyone will be here today except for me (as usual) UG!! Looking forward to speaking with you"

I don't "need" to chat about "hours." I didn't make any sort of urgency. In fact, the way I spoke about hours with Sharon, was I offered to give them a few free hours of filing sometimes! Because I'm happy to give my time to people and I'm fine with the WORK, so doing it on my own time is wonderful. When I know I'm just doing it to help out and I can take a minute to meditate when I want, and I have more freedom.

Not saying work for free. I'd work the 25 hours paid each week. Just maybe, sometimes, every once in a while, give a few free hours of filing when we have one provider who has a Big Buttload Stack.

But instead she thinks I need to urgently speak about hours? I don't know. I didn't like that email at all. I know Lisa. Sigh.

Mum just came in and complained about my not having refridgerated a bottle of orange juice. I just give up. This is all so pointless and maddening and SADDENING.

I hate that I like working for free more than working for money. I hate that I don't truly hate my job, but I do. I hate that I'm not truly depressed about my life, but I am. I hate that I'm always looking toward the weekend and so even though the weeks go by too slowly, they're fast as a blink in hindsight and my summer is just sucking away at snail's pace during a giant's blink. I hate that I'm horrible with time management, but it's only because I'm too deeply saddened with life to think anything I do is worthwhile.

When will this summer end? When is university? Tears. But I don't WANT summer to be gone, I just... I do.

I am so exhausted by life right now. And I know I'll probably be back to Happy Kiwi for the weekend, but this tolls on me so badly, going from being Regular and Normal on weekends to whatever teary beast I am weekdays.

Back to my normal crying before I go to work thing. Goodbye, freedom, for another five hours or more.

Hello, work and lectures and pointless immoral tasks for the greater good of people who pay for it.

Gods I wish I could see you all in person and fall into arms for some tears and a big hug.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.


I don't know how I can be this exhausted all the time.

Anyway, I got out of work and got the car-plug thing from Toast, which is EXCELLENT. Mall with Toast and Willis. Some interesting discussions.

Didn't like the backseat driving (when do I ever?) and some of the opinions on how I should run my life (but I know that even as she's opinionated, she would never really push it on anyone), but it was a really nice evening.

$0.69 underwear thanks to Toast, and she even paid for it. $4.60 or something for icky BoogerKing. We all felt kinda gross after, 'cause duh. So I have to remind us, whenever we go for fast food because it's cheap and we're poor, SALAD. Or we will feel sick afterward. Even if the salad isn't particularly good or healthy, it's food and it's not vastly UNHEALTHY like the rest.

Mum, Da, and I booked my flight to England for September 24th with a return December 14th or 15th for the winter hols. That's a nice feeling.

As with most people, the flight situation with prices really scares me for the future, as someone who wants to travel. But not leisurely travel, I guess. Travel work work and experience.

I'm going to put away my clean laundry and pile everything in front of my mirror to really start this cleaning process, because I didn't get to do it tomorrow.

Toast called me during work today to invite me to Hell tomorrow (Snoopy had already done so but that's OK) because apparently there's a big group going. So I'll probably be clubbing tomorrow, and I don't want to be too exhausted.

If Arah is babysitting at Lisa's tomorrow I may try to work until 5 or at least go back after Captain Planet (Lisa and Sharon as a unit) have gone to visit with my Rowie friend, so we can be sad about not going to Rowe but joyous together. I love and miss her. I guess she wins over a nap for clubbing. Worst comes to worst, I work Thursday 12-5 instead of the regular 10-3.

I have gone from never using a laptop to having it constantly with me and playing. (Home, I have speakers. Car, the car plug. Whenever I have a minute, ear phones.) I also need to either find some of the headphones I really love for free/cheap or find the little squishy end that goes with the one I have. Can't find the extras that came with the skullcandy buds that I gave to Da.