January 3rd, 2008

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

It was chilly today. I quite enjoyed it. I meditated this morning before school started--I was sitting on a broken chair next to the door, in the sun. It surprised Mrs. Cav that I was sitting in the sun. I felt a little more like myself in study. Went up to guidance and have an appointment for tomorrow, but I'm not as prepared as I thought I was for the college-sending. But it will still help me.

Mrs. Cooper wasn't in today. She must be really sick. She never misses class, and Mr. Gilbert (sub) got the call at like 6 a.m. to come in so it wasn't planned. Mrs. Cooper had a coughing fit yesterday--it broke my heart. We just finished the booklet.

Pre-calc we did math and it was nice. I laugh a lot. I asked a question after class and Mrs. Quinn came up to me and compared something to longitude and latitude, then asked me if that helped. I told her, "I've always been so horrid with geography!" and she laughed and smiled and agreed. It was good.

Lunch I ate and it was fabulous. Laura took out the Penguin Race where the penguins are carried up the stairs and then they go down the slide, and they can be put on backwards only it doesn't work and they look as though they're being assaulted by the other penguins. It was still funny. Mrs. Cav walked by and laughed. When I threw out my tray, I saw that she was sitting near Frap and saying happy birthday. I smirked; I knew Mrs. Cav had forgotten, since we had mentioned it yesterday. But of course she still came to the caf to wish a happy birthday. On my way out I accidentally cut her off, then ran down the hall because the bell rang. It felt good to run.

Am. Lit. was good fun. I discussed a few things with Mr. Dufault. He mentioned in class that most writers sit down thinking about how they would just love to have their work end up in English classes, and how much of an honor it would be. And I don't know how true that is, but I know it's true for me--only I don't even plan to be a writer. Maybe I'm just a wuss.

Business management some college kids came in and talked about their experiences. And though they were helpful to some people, the majority of them bragged about how they don't have much work and a lot of it felt similar to the Aggie. I will be getting lots of work and going somewhere that isn't Aggie-like. It made me very afraid.

Park Management had more presentations. We got our grades after. I got a 100 on my presentation. He had "practiced presentation" checked off and then his comments were "Practice and speak clearly." I went up and asked, kindly, if he thought I sounded as though I hadn't practiced--because of how nervous I was, having had the date switched and volunteering to go first. We talked about presenting and apparently he thinks I'm really great. Which just made me nervous.

Woodshop I'm working on my new jewelry box. I meditated under the table a little while, after my pieces were cut out. I think about college a lot. How scared I am of everything. How not only Mr. Lee thinks I'm extraordinary--but how all these people expect fantabulous things out of me. It's scary.

I lingered with Mrs. Cav too long and didn't respect her kind, quiet signals for me to leave. Guilt. At the beginning of the year she decided I should go have lunch with my friends since she didn't feel she could watch me through lunch when she was always moving around, then she decided she didn't want to email with me anymore, and she took me to Mrs. Roger's a while back and we talked. But then after that we talked more. I asked her if we were going to be friends after I leave. "Friends?" she asked. She looked sad and contemplative. "I don't think I have any friends, Kiwi." She doesn't have people she's that deeply connected with, the way I appear to be. I understand student-teacher lines. That part, though, the part about friends...That broke my heart. I never want to be a woman with no friends. She isn't comfortable with having friends. It hurts my heart. So we're "acquaintances" but we still get to be friendly. She doesn't want me to hang around after school. Which I get, because I'm a tag along sometimes and that's no fun. I feared last year that she would pull away. I understand why she is/has... I think I'm going to have to pull away for myself for a while. Take a break so that, when the time comes, I'm OK with whatever I get.

All that stuff happened a long while ago, it's nothing new. I just haven't talked about it because it hurts and I'm self conscious about it. But I'm kinda sick of holding it in. I'm not blaming her for anything. Sometimes I get angry, but it's usually at me or just the situation--and the anger is only there 'cause of the hurt. She wants me to be a regular student. I understand that. She doesn't think I need her anymore. I don't--not like I used to. She helped me through a lot. I'll always be thankful of her for that, even if during those times she made some mistakes with me. (I mean we got too close, stuff like that. But I'm always a strange case--the mature girl who was physically incapacitated and mentally not-so-stable, yet still at the same time completely there and able to be around adults. I'm close with all my teachers. It just happens.)

I feel like the Red Mark, the Big Mistake of her career. And it stinks. I'm not, but I am a mistake of hers, she feels. It's hard for me to look at that and agree or disagree, because if I agree I feel like that Red Mark. If I disagree I feel as though I'm in denial.

I love Mrs. Cav, of course I do. I think I still need to cut this for a while. And no, I didn't explain any of this well. She would have put it eloquently and cleared up any doubts--I fumble with this sort of stuff. She's still an amazing woman. She's just incredibly formal, as a teacher, a friend, a whatever...

I picked the most formal teacher to grow close to. Sometimes, I am a silly Kiwi. But she's still my kindred spirit, and even if we drift off, we're still connected in our hearts. I'll just leave it at that. It's the end of an era.

And then I called work, was told I was working, went in, and found that Steph had locked her keys in the car. After calls, we both found out our students weren't coming. I stuck around with her because I wanted to make sure everything worked out OK and that she had company. Hope I didn't annoy her. Came home, ate, stayed in Dweeb's room while he watched Stardust and I did homework. Read Poe and did data sheet. Looked through college crap.

And now I feel doomed. The deadline for 2 of the schools is January 15th and I have to get a teacher evaluation for each. I feel bad about asking teachers on such short notice. I don't know which one's I'll ask. I will bring that up during the appointment tomorrow.

Talked with Evan, which felt great. And Amanda. And people. Uploaded a chapter of PH. I feel alright. Less like I'm going to die. I think I'm kinda sad. I think it also makes sense.

So even though I'm scared completely of college, I'm ready to go. I'm ready to go to a place where I'm considered an adult, and there aren't these high school Red Lines to avoid--the ones that I always seem to run into. I can do this.

I'm going to go let myself be a little sad, then sleep. TGTIF. Thank Gods Tomorrow Is Friday.