November 11th, 2007

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Lindsay was right.

Whatever I was to her for the last long while, it wasn't a friend.

When did I stop valuing her?

We all have issues, problems, insecurities. I trampled on hers. I trampled on HER.

She stuck up for me and stayed with me through my problems through the first three years of high school. And sure, sometimes it wasn't the way I wanted, and sure, sometimes it wasn't as WELL as I wanted--but how could she gage that if I didn't tell her? And she had other friends. I didn't ever want to claim the title of Best Friend, especially when I had others too. She was there. That's what counts.

I didn't do the same for her. When she was hurting from Joe, I didn't care enough to find out what was going on.

I'm sad and angry that she won't let me speak with her, but if it is her way of dealing with things, I understand.

I went through all of my pictures from all the past four years. I am surprised I am not still weeping.

So many were of her--videos and fantastic pictures.

We had such good times, but I treated her like utter horsedung a lot.

I was High and Mighty and pretended to be Superior. Why, because I try at school? That's ridiculous. Because I don't fall for people, hard and hopelessly? Really, that's all I ever wanted--but I rolled my eyes at her because she did. Because she's mean sometimes? Well, gee, way be a hypocrite--I was doing the same to her. Because she would always be the beautiful one? Yes, because bringing physical attributes into it isn't shallow or anything.

Way to go, Kiwi; way to be everything you accused her of being.

She was right. I was no friend to her.

None of us is perfect. And all that while that I was thinking I was more so, but it turned out her sight was truer.

Gods. I hate arrogance. I hate it most when it's part of me. I hate when it clouds my sight.

You probably will never read this, Lindsay, but I'm sorry. With all my heart I am. I love you. You were the friend. I wasn't.

I wish I had cared. I wish it wasn't too late.

Gods, you're a beautiful person--why do you have to be gone for me to know that?