October 28th, 2007

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I had a really nice time at the BAGLY Halloween Dance. I asked a girl, Daphna, to dance and it was fun. We talked and stuff. She's a NaNoWriMo-er.

Mum was fine about getting us into Boston when we got a little lost and we hung up the phone well. Then, as we were leaving, she decided I wasn't allowed to sleep over Snoopy's house even after it was discovered that it would keep Snoopy from getting home within curfew. But Mum wouldn't call it "grounding." I finally got her to admit that she was grounding me and we hung up.

She tells me she's keeping me home out of fear. Because I did something stupid that scared her and she wants me home. Because that's obviously the best course of action--keep a seething Kiwi home with the mother she temporarily can't stand, and it'll be a happy-dandy family that will alleviate her fears.

And two because she wants me to get some sleep so that we can do the college application tomorrow--most of which Mum and Da have to do--and I can write a draft of my personal statement.

But the thing that really, REALLY got me out of ALL of it (because I know when I'm thinking rationally and not with anger soon, a lot more of it will make sense) was that she so stressed Snoopy's inability to parallel park and her panic while driving.

I told Mum that if we really hadn't been able to find where we were going from the directions, we would have turned around and left because Snoopy knew how to find the right highways since she'd been there the night before. And Mum asked if she was supposed to expect this of someone who couldn't parallel park, and I got really angry. Some people aren't good at parallel parking. Some people panic while driving. Mum took this to mean that Snoopy wasn't capable of driving in Boston.

Yet I was there to help out, and I parallel parked for her. Problem solved. I wonder if Mum forgets that Da royally stinks at parking, and that often Mum switches with him and parks for him. There is a difference there, where? He's a 50-something year old man who can't park well. Snoopy is a 17-year-old girl. Chances are, one of them is going to learn--and chances are it won't be my father.

So I am really angry at my mother for that.

But mainly, in her eyes, I "don't understand." And I'm giving her that impression. But deeper down, underneath the layers I like to admit to, I do. But I know I won't go there for a long time or I'll scare myself. People do dumb things. I do dumb things. Sometimes they're scary.

We got lost in Boston. We didn't have a map. We didn't have excellent directions. We didn't plan well. Those are our sins.

We could have ended up in a lot of trouble. This time, we didn't. Next time we may not get so lucky--and so Mum wants to make sure there is never a next time. That we always have a solid plan, good directions, a map, and a backup. Which is the right way to do it and the intelligent way to do it. This time, we didn't. Dumb, yes.

Somehow, I gained some satisfaction by getting her to authentically admit that she was, to some degree, punishing me by grounding me--though she wouldn't use the term. Because she would have to "stoop" to ground me, because she doesn't approve. But she did. And she knows she did, because I made sure she knows she did.

I am grounded on a Saturday night. My mother grounded me. I shouldn't take any glee or pride in that, but being a twisted adolescent entity of hormones, I do.

Please don't judge me on this entry. It would not be the Right or Good thing to do. Thank you.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I made a journal for my '07 NaNoWriMo novel at horned_fate.

Last night I had a dream that I was at Rowe and I was with Abbi W. I remember how incredibly happy I was in those moments. Arah was up and around, and everyone was having a lot of fun. It was wonderful.

I saw Rowe pictures on facebook today. I almost threw up. It's hard to look at how happy things were so often there, and then feel how unhappy I am right now. How frightened.

Even at Rowe I spent a lot of time in my own head and in my journal. I don't have that many memories this year. When I left, I was sobbing and panicking. I was afraid of how bad it would all feel when I left.

And it has felt that bad, many times. Like right now. When I should be leaving my room to do college applications with my parents while they're angry, but instead I'm in my room and they probably think I'm still sleeping.

And I have an hour and a half until senior youth. And none of my homework is done, which is a shock because normally I do it, like, Friday night.

I wish I didn't feel so horrible so often. I want all of this over with but I'm so afraid. I've never felt like such a coward in my life. And since this morning, the only thing I've been able to properly think about is running to Abbi W. and hugging her for a long, long time and just crying my eyes out.

I'm so afraid.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I was nominated and elected a Co-Leader of Senior Youth Group alongside Gar and Emily (who will soon receive a nickname).

To Do:

I. Homework.
...A) Spanish
......1) Activity 3 in workbook, pg. 40.
......2) Review
......3) Make study guide for future exam.
...B) Bio II
......1) Make study guides.
......2) Study study guides.
......3) Do the booklet.
......4) Finish the lab, which involves a ruler, teh crap-o.
...C) Pre-Calc
......1) Do the beginning of that booklet.
II. Personal Statement
...A) Do a complete outline.
...B) Write a draft.
...C) Put in front of Mum's nose just long enough for her to see that I did it, but not read it.
...D) Prepare to go over it with teachers and such.
III. Clean Room
...A) Clean up clothes so the clothes-eating-monster doesn't...well...eat them.
...B) Clean up floor, because at this point you wouldn't know if mold was growing at all, and that is generally not a good thing.
IV. NaNoWriMo
...A) Outline.
...B) Think of more characters and their significance.
...C) Make a better setting chart.
...D) Make a post.
...E) Wait patiently for Thursday, when there is NO SCHOOL on the first day of NaNo, which is PERFECT.
V. Writing
...A) Organize flashdisk.
...B) Organize multiple folders, because your writing is EVERYWHERE.
VI. Read
...A) Self-explanatory.
VII. Sleep
...A) Also self-explanatory, though apparently highly unattainable.

Wow. My entry is reminding me of Laura's, with lists and all. Haha. Little more sarcastic, though.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I finished: The homework and the studying.

Left to do: The personal statement, cleaning, NaNoWriMo stuff, writing, reading, sleeping.

I will accomplish the sleeping very soon. Personal statement, cleaning, NaNo stuff, writing, and reading will have to wait.

I'm going to study a few diagrams and then go to sleep. Stupid Bio II tests cutting into my sleep. And the term test is next week. Oh, joy of all joys.

's fine that the other stuff didn't get done. School work > cleaning.

My priorities are so whacked. It's like Hermione. "We could have been killed! Or worse, EXPELLED!"

Yeah, that's about how I feel, Hermione.

(And tired enough to be speaking with fictional characters. Ohboy, I should be off to sleep.)
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