October 20th, 2007

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Last night hayride was shut down. On the way home Snoopy called me, and that was perfect because I was going to call her. I still wanted to do something social-ish with the night that was going to be purely social.

When I came home and was ready to go off to Snoopy's again (I told my parents I would) they started questioning me about applications, especially since I had mentioned wanting to go to Boston Saturday evening.

And they kept pressing me. Suddenly I was crying hysterically and I could hear the impassioned fear in my voice. Da got angry; I had him leave. Mum got impatient and used her soft voice, which has always infuriated me. I left.

I'm going back today and I will spend the day with my parents doing my English application. I am scared out of my farkin' mind. And I can hear Da's voice ringing in my head, "You know nothing matters compared to this" against Mum's, "Yes, it's important, but don't let it matter SO MUCH that you stress out." Because something can totally be as vital as Da says while not being stressful. Because this isn't my future or anything. Because this doesn't require putting the essence of Kiwi into a 400-farking-word essay.

And to be productive like Laura (because basically, my parents want a Laura in the family while I'm perfectly content remaining Kiwi):

College stuff:
-Do English application stuff.
-Write English college essays.
-Edit them and all that.
-Finalize American school application list.
-Look at the applications for all the American schools.
-Start writing college essays for those.
-Call Carol and Ann and possibly Attiya for recommendations.
-Pick which recommendations to use where.
-Check with school about all the stupid transcript stuff.
-Create a list of all deadlines.
-Cry hard and long.

-Watch the Spanish movie.
-Check BlackBoard and the Syllabus.
-Movie review.
-Regular review for Spanish class.
-Print out review for exam 2.
-Create study guides and study.
-Bio II read pgs. 203-208.
-Questions page 205 1-4
-Questions page 208 1-2
-Pre-calc read pgs. 104-106
-Class exercises 1-10 pg. 106
-Amlit think about Hester and Pearl's relation with the community.
-Parkman write park paper.
-Greeco do poinsettia sheet, prepare to ace quiz to bring grade up into the A's.

I hate how I go from loving my life one moment, to hating it the next. I hate how all of this seems so trivial yet, at the same time, poisonously important. I hate how my life at school has grown better now that two of my friends have left me. I hate how I want to get out of my school but I never want to leave. I hate how much fun I sometimes have being a senior, when I don't feel like a senior at all.

Amanda said last night I will lose a lot of friends after graduation. I have no doubt of that at all. And somehow I'm not concerned, even though it makes me feel callous.

I want to do NaNoWriMo, but I wonder how that's possible. Do I have ideas? It wouldn't matter anyway. I will never have the time.

I hate weekends.