September 30th, 2007

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)


I can't stand Rawley and Merf right now. My brother tells me that they have talked about me on the bus, how I have a "fetish for teachers" like Mrs. Cav and Mrs. Osborne.

Yes, I had a crush on Mrs. Osborne. Only it was an innocent, I-admire-you-and-you're-beautiful sort of crush. Not an I-fantasize-about-you-and-have-a-fetish kind of thing. And Mrs. Cav? Oh come on, sure, STOOP to that level, why don't you? It would be like being in love with my mother, sister, best friend, and mentor all in one. Uhm how about not.

And apparently Rawley mentioned how she had dated me for a month (yet before that, at some point, she told Merf she hadn't known she was dating me, or some crap like that?). Merf apparently indirectly sort of nudged conversation toward the direction that she had dated me too.

Only WTF. I would not date Merf. I can't even believe I dated Rawley. Wouldn't make that mistake twice. And Merf is adamant about how she never liked me (alleluia!).

So my brother told me he had inserted something about how that was all BS into their conversation.

I don't know how much I can take as true, because getting a story from someone else is never entirely reliable. But he brought it up out of the blue, so I also don't think he made the whole thing up. And I trust him.

Seriously. I wonder when those two are going to grow up. I have emails full of text from Rawley admitting how she had this huge crush on her freshman teacher and basically stalked her with a camera at one point, and wrote in her journal crazily about this teacher. And if I remember correctly, she admitted to having a crush on Mrs. Osborne even before I did when we started emailing, but I might just have to check that.

Fuck them. Seriously. They piss me the royal fuck off (and I'm sorry for swearing, but I am AN-GRY).

I told my brother in the car, "I hate girls." And he gave me that knowing smirk. Because we hate and we love girls, and that's our downfall.

(And people wonder why I want to find girls on my level.)

I'm like shaking with anger. I am so, so happy Rawley dumped me. I think the Angels (if they exist) sang the moment the thought formed in her head, which was probably the moment I asked her out. But you know what? It's really her problem. She can go have fun. And if other people end up not liking me for it, including Christine and Brad, well, at least I'm living my life with my own set of morals and ethics.

And I am. I'm proud of that. And if Rawley didn't want the stuff from her email up on internet words, well, oops. At least I didn't quote her, because I could! Gmail saves all.

But beyond that, I had a really nice, tiring weekend. Amy Speace gave me one of her CDs for free, which is killer. And we laughed and stuff. The senior youth trip was really fun. Xandor (brother) wants to ask Alex (female freshman in youth group) out.

And one of the leaders of the Ropes Course was a butch female college student who was really cute and smiled at me a lot. Her smile reminded me of Jenne. It was brill.

(And ohnoes, a COLLEGE STUDENT I was attracted to? Does that mean I have a fetish for them? Ohhh crap, I really should just watch out now, shouldn't I? Not allowed to go liking people older than I.

Fucking hypocrite.)
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I spoke with Lisachan on the phone.

I forgive Rawley and Merf. I won't forget it. I'm not happy. But I forgive them.

I've always known that Merf will run with a story if it (all in my opinion, no real stance on the real life world) will help her stay in the conversation/feel cool/whatever. And though I don't respect it, I know it happens with a lot of people. I even exaggerate sometimes when it makes a story funnier--and sure I wouldn't want to talk behind someone's back about things like that, or directly or indirectly hint that I had falsely dated someone...I forgive her.

And Rawley. Well, that hurts. I fully admit that hurts (as can be gathered by my anger). I didn't do anything to her, ever. But if she's pointing a finger at me to avoid it being pointed at her, I understand--don't agree, don't respect it, but understand. I wouldn't do it.

I don't think I could ever do the same thing to either of them, no matter how badly they hurt me. And if anyone confronts me, I will set the record straight in as kind a manner as I can--no I didn't date or consider dating Merf, yes I dated Rawley for a month, yes she dumped me, yes I'm not happy, yes I get crushes on teachers, yes I find beauty in all ages, no I do not have a fetish, and yes I'm ready to start getting over it.

I don't know if I'll confront. At this point, I don't think it would do anything. I haven't seen Merf in a long time. It isn't a concern of mine. Rawley I only hear of in relation to Snoopy, for the most part. Snoopy knows where I stand and why I stand there.

And I don't dislike them. I don't think that's possible for me. But do I respect any of it? No. I don't think dislike would help, either. But I'm certainly not going to forget any of it. The emotional signs, they will stay there like high beams in a starless night.

I don't know how much of it is true. Some of it I gathered on my own, some from Snoopy, from Xandor... Other places.

But I forgive them. It sure did feel good to rant, though.

I'm thinking right now, "Rawley and Merf, I really hope someday you're authentically pleased and comfortable with yourself. I wish it for you. I think you can grow to deserve and find it."

I don't know how I can smile at a time like this, but here it is. I have the most amazing friends in general. And really, it all just gives me hope to the future--hope that I will find a girl who is available and interested in me whom I can really click with.

I know it will happen. And glitches like this, well, they don't matter so much.

I live, I learn.