September 20th, 2007

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I had my first graduation nightmare. I don't think it will be the first.

It was really informal, and we were in a strange gym. I was sitting in a random seat to the right and front of the regular crowd seats. When it was my turn, loads of people got up and went on stage to talk about me, because apparently we were doing that sort of thing. So I guess my mother spoke a bit, and then Mrs. Cav came up.

And she made fun of someone who had large teeth by pulling her top lip up when she spoke as the person. It was like a stand up comedy act. I wondered what was going on, since it was all so weird. My mother grabbed me anyway and took me out, so I never even had enough time to graduate. I got the feeling that Mrs. Cav had just started to get serious.

Mum took me to home, a dream version of home. I was so angry and disappointed that I ran toward, I guess, the slow-moving river that kids used to swim in. I opened the door to the little wooden house that let us down and the bridge to the room was gone. I hopped it, since it had been small, and looked over the railing to see that the river was completely dried up.

I ran back and tried to start the Volvo, so I wouldn't leave Mrs. Cav and all those people hanging. It would start even when I do the "press down the gas" thing I normally do. I briefly wondered why I was in normal clothes since I was supposed to have been graduating that day. Mum looked over at me from the Van and said it was a pity the Volvo wasn't starting. She said it in a way that was more "drats our car isn't working" than a "I pulled you out of your own graduation and now I feel bad." Because she quite obviously didn't.

So I tried to walk back to school, but I knew it wasn't possible for me to ever make it in time. I stopped somewhere I felt really comfortable, though I don't know where it was, and I think I just cried. I felt so horrible to have left everyone at graduation when I was pulled back home. And I wondered what was going on with Mrs. Cav, because she just never made fun of anyone that way and I didn't comprehend how she could have chosen my graduation out of all things to do it.

But mainly I was just so angry with my mother that all my thoughts were laced with it.

I don't think this will be my last graduation dream. Now, I've finished my Bio and English homework, so I'm going to go do some of my Pre-Calc. Study this morning, with Mrs. Cav. Eeeii!

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

"You may try to hide your feelings today out of necessity, for you know they will only get in the way of your overall efficiency. This adds to your frustration, which is serious enough to last through tomorrow. There is so much happening in your life now that you may not have time to focus on your personal desires. For now, let them go before you get yourself into unneeded trouble."

That was my Aquarius horoscope today. I fancy reading them. I feel it fit.

I made an entry when I woke. Drove my brother to the center of town and all. Drove to school. Went to my locker to get my maths book so I could do my math in study. Saw a very purple piece of torso apparel and thought, "Cavanagh or Fraser." I still don't know how to spell Fraser's name, or I don't think I do.

Waiting outside the door and Mrs. Cav came out. Her hair was clipped again. I greeted her and we walked to the caf. building. When I saw the new history teacher came up and Mrs. Cav started to explain keys, I ducked forward and out of the way. Mrs. Cav went up to the teacher area and I strayed into the cafeteria to buy breakfast.

For some reason I ended up back at Kemp Hall and Pantaxi came up, since no one was at the tree, so we hung out. I said, "We can go into my Secret Room, which is neither secret nor a room." Mr. Hall was there practicing drums. We drank strawberry milk, watched the bus drivers, and chatted. When the bell rang I went back into Rm. 8 for study.

It was pleasant. We went for the bus safety stuff. Got to jump off the back of a bus. Brought a book. Back to Spanish room. Tried my hand at the math, which I discovered I could do. We all spoke. Sat at Mrs. Cav's table. Someone came in to drill and Mrs. Cav already had a headache. Stinky. I helped people with biology. Not meant to be a biology teacher.

In bio we took notes. Did a sheet. Blah blah. Pre-calc we went over homework. I understood. I wrote the beginnings of a weird poem. I was thinking about math teachers and thought, "Mrs. Quinn is a fabulous teacher" so I wrote it on my homework, not thinking we would pass it in since we hadn't before. The next moment she directed us to pass it forward so I was disappointed since I had just put that and would look like a brown noser AND the poem I was working on was on it.

After class, when I was into lunch, I went up and asked for my homework for a moment. She gave me a look but let me grab it. I started copying down the poem. When the other girl left Mrs. Quinn looked up. I erased the phrase. "Do you want it? I could just check it now." I gave it to her and explained that it had had the poem and how I had written she was a fabulous teacher before I knew we were passing it in. She seemed very happy. Before leaving we were talking about it, and I told her how important and wonderful it is to have math teachers who make me feel comfortable and at ease as I tend to panic during math. She was very pleased.

Put my stuff in Dufault's room. Went to get food. Came back. Before getting food we talked about books and how he likes Harry Potter. English was alright--again I didn't pay as much attention as I should have. I really need to start doing that. It's ridiculous that I haven't been.

Business management we talked more about stress and took a quiz and all of it annoyed me greatly. I've found that that class tends to annoy me out of my mind, even though I like the teacher. The topics, I guess. The whole class stresses me out, even as part of the curriculum is to tell us that we shouldn't stress out. Park management Mr. Lee took forever to get in. People talked about hayride. I wrote and looked at Lindsay's head, whispering, "I hate you" over and over again. Seriously--I do not like myself very much at all right now.

And I hate that I can't stand Dana and Lindsay (Makuchan and Kleppy) most of the time that they're together. Lindsay just takes Dana over and they become LindsayDana, Lindsay who pretty much ignores me or barely tolerates my presence. But if they want something from me oh how kind they are. Good greens, it's obnoxious. But I hate most that sometimes, rarely, we have these perfect moments in which the three of us are just wonderfully in sync and understand each other. And they share most of my sense of humor, which isn't true of other people. And even with Lindsay, no matter how much I dislike her in a moment, I always remember how I can never truly dislike her for all the wonderful times we have. I wish I could just be truly friends with them or not at all. Instead, they exclude me so I move farther away thinking it will hurt less, but then I get excluded more and it hurts more so I distance myself more... It's a horrendously vicious cycle.

Quite a bit of the day, when I was alone, I was thinking about how much I wanted to just find someone similar to me. I do the whole "Similar Stick" thing because the "Opposites Attract" doesn't work for me. I don't feel opposite to anyone. I feel like parts of me match up with everyone, but that other crucial parts are entirely missed. I keep wishing to find more people I click with at a more bonded level. It's not impossible--I've met people "like me" before. Those times are wonderful. But never at my school, and usually not even particularly close around me. It's always sad.

I had a double wood shop and I started feeling alright again. By the time I went back to Mrs. Cav I was happy. We spoke briefly, I don't know what about, and she left to go off to her meeting. I printed out directions.

I got lost once on the way to Red Tomato and cried as I was driving. I got on track quickly and arrived very close to on time. We finished early. I got to come home. My family invited me to watch Battlestar Galactica (or however it's spelled) and of course I wanted to, but I have junk to do. And obviously I haven't done it yet.

I don't like being home. I don't like being at school in the afternoons. I don't like being alone. I don't like being with others. I don't like having friends. I don't like not having friends. I don't like ranting. I don't like shutting up.

Maybe I just don't like?

I'm too stressed. My entire personality seems to have changed. And the more I can't stand myself, the more I can't stand others. I get annoyed with absolutely everyone, and my tendency now is to just want to leave and be alone with a book. But then I feel hurt for being excluded.

It's all ridiculous. I'm just going to go do some crummy work, because I don't feel like being on the phone or speaking with anyone. Or maybe I'll write. No, probably not. Maybe clean my room. Hah.

I'll probably do the minimal and farking sleep, because I can't stand any of this. My hip is better, but what happened to my quality of life?

Why, good greens, can't I DANCE?

Holy crow I hate this. I hate you, college. I hate you, SATs. I hate you, homework. I hate you, test anxiety. I hate you, directions. I hate you, feelings. I hate you, ranting.

I keep wanting to stuff all my emotions down the way I did freshman and sophomore year to regain some sense of normality, but of course I remember what happened those times and how unhealthy it is. Maybe if I had an ACTUAL talk with Mrs. Cav. Half the time we talk and then later I go over all of it in my head and just feel self-conscious.

This is all crummy. So for once, I'm actually going to shut up and go away.

Ignore all this if you want. Heck, I halfway want you to. But this is who I am right now, as much as I detest it. So let me alone. ...just, please don't LEAVE me alone, because I can't HANDLE it alone.

Composure is over rated.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Where did I go? Where is Kiwi?

I hate business management because I have to look in the mirror.

And I don't feel good about it.

Because they don't take compassion or sensitivity into account. They don't take someones ability to drop any mask and dance as though no one is watching, when she knows everyone is. They don't care that someone can enter a room of strangers and meet kindreds within minutes. They don't care that someone can look something feared in the eye, sigh, take a deep breath, and do it anyway.

What do they care of courage? Empathy? Love? Dance? Song?

They want the five factors of life. Cells (living), obtain and use energy, responds to environment (zombie), grows and develops (physically), and reproduces. They want money and fame and the American Dream, for us. They want people to be numbered and boxed.

But what about the other stuff? What about the stuff I used to count for, in the eyes that mattered?

Used to, before I met the Man. Before I cared about all this stupid pointless stuff more than I should. Before I let it get to me, crawl under my skin, sink into my very being and change it for the worse.

What about me? Where have they put me? Where have I allowed myself to be sent?

Damn the fucking Man, people. Damn the man.