September 18th, 2007

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Today I woke up at 6 and got ready and studied for my Bio quiz. Had Mum sign my permission slip. Xandor had a migraine, so he was home from school. I drove to school and got there at 7:30, which was what I was shooting for so I'm glad I made it even when I left late (but didn't have to drop my brother off at Dunkin Donuts).

I greeted Mrs. Cav in the morning with Pantaxi, then went off to my locker. I saw Mrs. Quinn when I was leaving to go to the Spanish room and she said we were meeting in room 1, her room, instead. So I went there.

When I got there, I walked up to her and caught her attention politely. I said something along the lines of, "Hi. I just wanted to say that I was...a little hurt by a comment yesterday after the quiz, when you said you had been 'just testing who was working.'" She looked up at me in a concerned, apologetic way and continued speaking, which was good 'cause if she had spoken then I wouldn't have felt very heard. So I went on, "As you know, I got a 40, but it wasn't because I don't do my homework or don't participate in class. I know I was really sensitive after getting the worst grade of my life, so the comment just hurt."

She said she was sorry, that of course she never meant to insult anyone. She smiled and said I didn't need to take things personally, that she meant it at other people, but of course she had said it to the class so she apologized. I told her I only took things personally when I was already really sensitive, when it hit a nerve, or with MATH which is a bummer. So she said she was going to help me out and that I could stay after any time if I needed the help. Then we talked and had a good time and I went to go study some more.

Everyone joined in and we were talking while I was studying. Then we had Activity Period and National Honor Society. We voted for officers--President was the only one we needed to vote for, 'cause there was only one person to volunteer for the other slots. We got to vote for both, for co-president, if we wanted.

We talked about NHS stuff and I studied at the same time. Panicked a little bit 'cause I wasn't feeling confident at all, especially with how much studying others have done. I went in and tried to keep myself from panic. I checked the test when I got it, and realized I knew everything. Calmed down. Wrote everything down, passed it in, and went to the bathroom. (Oh! I got a 103/the top grade possible on that quiz we took before. I had thought I got two parts wrong, but I hadn't. I was really surprised.)

In the bathroom there was this giant centipede that looked as though it had two heads. When I was done I poked it gently with the bathroom pass and it fell off the wall and started scurrying toward the trash can. I grabbed a wad of toilet paper, caught it gently, and picked up another wad of toilet paper. Then I realized I didn't know any juniors in bug class, so there was no point in my having caught it. (I already felt bad enough for having caught a bug with the intention of giving it to someone to kill, but I thought it would help out the kids with their project and then they wouldn't need to kill extra bugs to realize that some of them didn't work or something.) But then I put it down in the trash because I didn't know anyone. And now I still feel guilty, because I've probably killed it for no reason by putting it in a trash can. I doubt it could get out.

Went back and then went off to pre-calc. We went over our homework (I did it and understood what we did during class). I copied the biology notes I had missed while in the bathroom. Mrs. Brown came in the room and Abby shouted, "Hey, Mrs. Brown! Guess what I got on my math quiz!" Mrs. Brown huffed and asked, "What?" "95!" I looked up and said, "And I got a FORT"Y!" The shocked expression on her face was priceless. Almost worth getting the 40, though of course not really. (We took it the other day, three questions from the book we thought was just class work, and it was pretty difficult--turned out to be a quiz.)

I saw Shaya (the freshman I work with at Red Tomato) by my locker when she was on her way to Biology. She seemed excited to see me. I'm glad she turned out to be talkative and neat. Really intelligent. Good vocabulary. She had the preventative surgeries on her hips that I was supposed to have but missed (so I fractured it traumatically and through a long process needed it replaced). And we both love Wicked and Rent. Which is cool.

I dropped my stuff off in Mr. Dufault's room and went to the cafeteria to get food. Came back to his room and ate. Class was alright. I didn't pay all that much attention--it was easy--and instead started writing a School Song since Snoopy said stuff like that amuses her. I'm not sure I like the song. Not finished anyway.

Makuchan isn't talking with Pantaxi because she told Eater about how Makuchan cheated on her boyfriend. I didn't know who Pantaxi liked, but now I do? And apparently he likes Makuchan? But he was an idiot--instead of being angry at Makuchan, it would make more sense to think of it as his having more of a chance, since she's obviously not doing well with her actual boyfriend. But he doesn't have a chance since she likes TJ anyway, so it doesn't matter. I wish he would just like someone else, someone specific. And that Makuchan would stop talking about how much she wants to hurt Pantaxi, because it's just annoying and I can't say anything because they're both my friends and Makuchan knows I didn't take sides. But yeah. It's all pretty yucko.

Makuchan forged her permission slip and we made our way to Park Management. Some people didn't even have slips, but Mr. Lee said he didn't care. We all went anyway. I kept a poll going of, "What genre novel should Kiwi write for National Novel Writing Month?" I don't think I'll finish anyway, but it's always fun. I got 20k words last time. Not too bad.

We cleaned up the park playground a bit. I spoke with the director and when I was hopping around mentioned, "I'm trying out my new hip." He told me about how they put his grandmother's in backward, didn't X-ray it, and were wondering why she was limping for 5 years. I'm glad that didn't happen to me. We went for a walk, went back to the bus, and came 'home'--haha, I put that for the Aggie without thinking.

Shaya in the classroom when we went back (late) and picked up our stuff. She greeted me and I went off to Brodeur's class. We did an easy sheet and then hung around. I finished my project in ag. mech. Talked with Acer about martial arts. He agrees that when I'm legal to drive others, he should point me to his house and I could hang out at his house and see his Kung Fu place, too. And his instruments.

Shaya said goodbye. I'm glad she's happy to have a friend. I went in to Mrs. Cav's classroom and hung out. Mr. Howes was doing a chemistry thing with a student and Mrs. Smith was doing something. A freshman came in and asked for help with her locker so she could catch the bus, so I went to help her and opened it easily. Told her about the extra turn. Mrs. Cav had stopped the buses. The freshman went off and, after a minute, Mrs. Cav came back asking if she had made it on the bus. I told her I thought yes and we went out to check. Came back in and chatted.

It's much more flowing between us now that I'm not her student. It's nice. I showed her my heart (the project I did in woodshop that's a heart with a flower burned into it) and she said, "Oh, good, you can wood work! Maybe that means you could make me a bathroom pass." I looked down and asked, "What about this one?" "Well, you would need to drill a hole in it," she said. "Two, really. And Rm. 4 on it." I told her I didn't know how to drill holes, but could ask Mr. Richards. And she smiled and told her that I could wood burn Rm. 4 on the back, all excited and such. I thought it was amusing. Left it in my locker to ask about later.

When we were going out she stopped in the teacher's closet and saw that the little cookie-cake-thing was still there. She chatted with Mrs. Wall and then offered me some. She went to cut it, and then said I should. I took a step forward and stopped, not knowing if I should go up since I didn't know how much to cut. I'm terrible with things like that, but I always make a decision reasonably soon.

But before I did Mrs. Wall said, "Oh, she's shy, better do it." They laughed and Mrs. Cav cut it. I was blushing. "Where should I put it?" she wondered allowed. I said, "Maybe a tissue." Mrs. Wall said, "Tissue? I barely know you." And we all laughed. Mrs. Cav asked if I wanted edge or middle, because the middle was too mushy to her anyway. I didn't know what to say or really feel capable of speaking, so I shrugged and made a noise. She gave me a look but cut me a piece and put it on a tissue. Mrs. Cav and Mrs. Wall kept joking. It was really nice to see Mrs. Cav with a friend. Even though I was embarrassed, it was nice.

We walked out and I said to Mrs. Cav, "Uhoh, I'm too shy to say goodbye!" but then turned to Mrs. Wall and said, "Thanks, and have a nice afternoon!" Mrs. Cav laughed. I told her it made me giggle to be called shy sometimes. While we were walking I told her about how I'm not good with taking food, since I'm always afraid to take too much or too little.

She turned and said, "Well, I would have said either 'we have five other people who need to try it' or 'eat as much as possible because we need to get rid of it.'" I guess she saw that I was feeling a little outwardly red and embarrassed, so she turned to the landscaper kids working nearby. "Could always bring it out here if we wanted that. But alas, it isn't mine to give!" We laughed and she went off with out a hug, which is fine. I'm not going to put up assumptions because they'll just hurt me. I'm sure it's just 'cause I was carrying too much stuff.

But she's right. I need to work on the whole 'getting food' thing. It wasn't so great to just stand there and have no answer when I was being asked questions about what *I* wanted, especially since by doing it I made Mrs. Cav have to cut and organize my piece. And sure it was the teacher's room, so I was uncomfortable about that in general (I fear those, but am taken to them frequently), it still would have been better to have had more to offer.

I drove home. There was a gathering of teenagers and a police car. Some people were hugging, others leaving flowers by one of the street-side displays. I felt horrible. I bet a teenager died there in an accident.

Considered calling someone to hang out, but decided I didn't want to so just came home. I sat in the car for a while and planned to do homework right away but totally didn't.

I recorded some music just for fun. I loved one of my test songs. I'll probably put it up here if I can figure out here.

I read Snoopy's labeled_girl post at some other point and was hurt by something that had been said, so made a comment saying so. After a back-and-forth, I realized that I had misinterpreted. Left a comment saying so.

That one worked out. But lately we've been arguing a lot more. And I don't think it's her--I mean, I know she's single now and that she doesn't do well being single and changes a bit, but it's more than that. Because I'm having problems with friends in general at the moment. With Makuchan and Kleppy, sure, but when am I not having troubles with them?

I think I miss Rowe. A lot. Every time a 'Rowe song' comes on the radio, I remember it all in one overwhelming flash. 6 glorious weeks of Rowe over the last two years. I remembered, particularly, my discussion with Cait. We were both discussing completely opposing opinions on two things that were held very close to our heart, yet we were able to do it in a completely civilized (no, KIND!) way that made us only closer and didn't hurt either of us at any moment. She complimented my ability to do that later on. And normally, that's what I like to do.

But being back I think I've changed for the worse. I mean, sure, discussions around here aren't Rowe discussions. And very different people. But I would think I'd at least be able to avoid getting into actual ARGUMENTS--I hate those! I don't even like DEBATING. I like DISCUSSING.

It's really been the worst with Snoopy. I always feel myself getting pricked by comments she doesn't mean in that way, or questions, or debate style (not a bad thing), or whatever and because of that I'll grow annoyed/angry just because that's what happens. And then I'll get caustic, and I'm sure it hurts her back. But of course it's not really what I want to do at all.

I don't really know what's going on. And I know that I need to just step it up and start a conversation with her. I don't even know what I'm afraid of in general. I guess, mainly, of getting angry and saying something out of anger that I don't mean. Because I get angry a lot lately. Especially with "why?" questions and "so?" answers which she tends to use a lot, which is fine--people do that. I guess I'm just not compatible with it at the moment, when I'm annoyed by everything.

I think it just all comes back to how much I miss Rowe people and feeling honestly connected and emotionally strung together. Feeling similar and as if I fit in. I'm not feeling that around here at the moment--even less than I normally do. I either feel horrible and stupid, or too mature for my own good (and even saying that I feel completely conceited).

So I don't really know what's going on. Snoopy answered Rawley with a definite no, and when she was looking for me to be proud of her, I didn't show that pride. And I'm being so critical it's ridiculous, but I never know it in the moment. And why do all the questions bug me so much?

Probably because I don't know the answers. Or if I do, I can't explain them. The way I feel sometimes when I can tell that Mrs. Cav has experienced something I haven't, and I know that I won't have her knowledge on the subject until I have that experience. But instead of getting frustrated I tend to be excited to gain that experience as I grow in life.

But I really shouldn't be this critical. And I don't feel in control enough with the situation. I know I should change my attitude. The whole forum junk. "You say, you do, you are." I'll say I'm accepting and ready to be a good listener/adviser, I'll do what accepting, good advisers would do, I'll be a good, accepting adviser... But I'm not doing it. I'm just so exhausted.

Coming home has been one shock after another. Filled with SATs and school. And I think there's something between Snoopy and I that we're not talking about, but I don't know what it is and so I'm afraid/don't know how to bring it up. And what if there isn't? Or if we come to the conclusion that there isn't but there actually is, so we end up feeling weird around each other but not having come to a solution?

Not that things aren't weird already. And we HAVEN'T come to a solution. I don't know, maybe she hasn't noticed any of it, but I think she has. We're arguing more than we ever have. We get snappy with each other. Often we're less playful than we used to be. Going there used to be a break from life. Now I get headaches.

I'm speaking in circles, because I'm thinking in circles, and it hasn't been getting anyway. I must not be participating in what I preach. I will figure out how. And since she will be reading this, I think it will work as a catalyst.

Maybe that's why I get annoyed with the questions. Because I have so many in my own mind going on at the exact same time. Where do I have room for the answers?

I'm not as together as people thing I am.

What to do, what to do?

Tomorrow is a short day. I'm going to McSpleeny's house. I'm going to run around like a goon and play DDR and be a true dork. And do homework. I feel good there, when issues aren't brought up.

Maybe I'm just an arrogant prick. Yeah, I think that's actually part of it. Moving somewhere new won't change that. But really, what is my problem? Friends are too important for this. I really wish I would stop being so petty.

Hello, Snoopy. I'm sorry if any of that hurt you. I think there's something up. I don't know what it is. Should we talk about it some time? If you want to, I'm game. As long as silence for thought is allowed. And honesty, because that is always good. I'm sorry, again.

Now I have a headache. Time to get off and do homework.

Here's the Test Song.

Here's another one.

And here's a really weird song! Not my regular voice. Had a lot of fun with it.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I don't think I am who any of you think I am.

I don't think I am who I think I am.

I think I am everything, and I think I am nothing (and so I am not who or WHAT I think I am).

Here is a nice, short entry. But it may be even more difficult to digest than the last. Length is funny that way, isn't it?

And no, I don't like myself very much right now. So I'm going to eat, do homework, and think about nature.

I'm a terrible friend and I hurt an innocent, lost insect.

These days have not been my days. Will tomorrow? Will the next day? Will next year?

I think I'll make them. I've always been too dogged for my own good anyway.

Now to chase off the headache.