September 5th, 2007

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I don't know how long this entry will be. I'm back on my own computer, with the keyboard that I really like.

I woke up at 6 and got ready for school (which felt good). I was driven to the bus stop, where all of the freshmen were staying in the cars. I stood and waited for the bus. When it came I got on and was immediately disappointed in the talk of all the freshmen. I somewhat expected that. Then there was a girl still at the stop, who appeared to be just getting out of the car even though the bus was beginning to move.

Had Ed stop and she came on and sat seats ahead of me. When we were moving again, I went up and sat in the seat across from her. I told her, "That happens to me all the time, don't even worry about it." We started talking and laughing and having a good time. (Apparently she caught her backpack on the door and couldn't get it off.) I told her about how my mother honks incessantly when it looks as though I'm going to miss the bus. We both have WoW-nerd brothers who have to come back home to go on Raids.

Mr. Cooper had me direct the freshmen to the cafeteria, since I was going that way. We talked more. Right before she went to go in the cafeteria I remembered to ask her name. It's Nikki--I told her that Nicole was my birth name too, but that everyone around here calls me Kiwi. It was a nice meeting.

I greeted Mrs. Quinn and the lunch lady and Mr. McMahon (I don't even remember how to spell his name) and all those people. Went up to the Admin. building to see the principal. Turned out she had gone down to the caf. (Apparently Mrs. Lemere/whatever is her secretary now or something?) I ran back there and Mrs. Lemere and she were together outside the caf. doors next to Rm. 8. I asked about getting a letter for taking the Placement Test (I never needed it) and went in.

Greeted Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Cavanagh. Didn't have time to talk to anyone, sat down. Joked around with Lisachan and stuff. When the TV was on and active, she went to give someone bunny ears. Mrs. Cav looked up from the back of the room and asked, laughing, "Who was that?" We all jumped and turned around. She smiled and asked, "Oh, it was you, Lisa?" and we all laughed.

The class was pretty boring. The Professor did read Green Eggs and Ham in Spanish, though. That was entertaining. Mainly we went over syllabus and stuff. How to create accounts. At the end someone was saying, "Ahhh, I don't remember how to go get that form!" and I said, "You should definitely IM someone to find out! In fact, we should make a master list of IMs in this classroom." "And facebook!" someone added. Another fellow student furthered with, "Yeah, a facebook group!" We all laughed.

Mrs. Hoegler circled me looking for a cane when I was on the phone with my mother. It was wonderful seeing so many of my teachers again. Mrs. Brown was excited to see me without a cane. Mr. Dufault was excited to see me in general.

We left and Mum took me to the RMV. Got my temp. license and went back home. I checked my email briefly and my fics were commented on! Even minerva_fan did! I've been watching her and her action in fics for, like, more than a year. She just seemed so neat. One of the "Deb"s. And she friended my writing account! I'm pretty much completely shocked.

I went to CCRI. Ran around finding out what to do. Talked with everyone no problem. Took the test, it wasn't terrible but wasn't fun either. Passed enough for the course--nothing needed in reading, 'Math Grid 5' class for math, but again I passed enough for the course. Got the add slip and went home.

Online, called Snoopy. Went to her house. Read. Paul came over. I was pretty gruff in general. Snoopy and I went to CVS. Robin wasn't working. We went to Staples and I read as I walked around. I think I'm going to do that whenever I get the chance at random times/when walking. Otherwise I'll have no reading time. I already write at random times as it is. Oh, and I bought green pens. Since Snoopy paid more than $25, she got a free calculator, picked purple for the color, and gave it to me. Squee.

We went back to her place. I was sad and stressed. I drove home (I have to remember about paper bags and stuff--Snoopy, Mum says you should totally go for Shaws and they should help you out). Ran in, made a call, ran back out.

I called Mrs. Cav. When she picked up I said, "Hi, it's Kiwi. Could you tell me in a believable voice that I'm a capable and intelligent person!" She replied, "Of course!" and we spoke. It was wonderful. Then I drove to CCRI. I ran around again. One of the girls I asked (I was looking for the stairs) I had said, "Excuse me?" in varying ways and she hadn't paid attention. I hadn't thought her rude or anything. When I was near her again I tapped her on the shoulder and asked her if she knew where the stairs were. She pointed to her ear and told me she was deaf. I thanked her and took a few steps in a general misguided circle, then came back and got her attention. I did a sign that was easily gathered to be stairs--two fingers walking up in the air--and gave her a questioning look. She shook her head, pointed to herself, and told me it was her first time here. I laughed nervously and put my head against my hand, then pointed at myself and nodded with a 'me too.'

I found someone by Admissions who was being told, "It's right about the 1800s!" I asked her if I had heard '1800s' and she said yeah, she was trying to find them. So we went and found them together. I asked, "Have you taken a college course before?" She said, "Sure." I asked if it was right for me to be nervous out of my mind. She said I would be fine.

I found another guy going into my bio room and we walked in. He searched around and told me there were no seats. I was perplexed because I thought it was supposed to be a 7:30 class and it was 7:10--not everyone would be that early. It turns out it was the 7:00 class, and that was because I did a really bozo move. The Wednesday course I was interested in was 4:00-6:25, even though Admissions hadn't been clear. My mother had even told me to double check! But of course when I had looked I had expected to see what I wanted to see, so I did...even thought that wasn't the reality. It didn't even strike me that everyone was looking at me funny. That sort of stuff just doesn't affect me. Instead, I went outside and sat down. I cried.

Then I called Mum, left a sad message and request she not yell at me (she's guilted me a few times, but no real yelling--that's good) and then went through my phone book to find someone to call. I called Pashi and she had been working on a journalism thing. We spoke and I felt calmer as I walked around trying to find the way downstairs and then outside. It was really hard. All the exits looked the same. I said goodbye when I went to drive toward the highway.

I missed the way to get onto 295, so I went beyond that (knowing I had missed it the second too late, of course--wrong lane, stupid darkness) and kept going. Took the next exit. I wasn't panicking or anything, but I called my mother. After that I started panicking. She's good at making me panic. Eventually she put me on the phone with her Rhode Island-er tennis friend and he guided me home.

I came home, Da worked on my computer, we all talked, and things are confusing.

But I think we've decided to, as we had chosen before, have me take the college course second semester. And they both think I'll get in. If I don't...well, it'll mean either I go for a foundation year in science (expensive) or I stay here for a year and then go, or I go to school here. Any choice means I go to a good ecology school. I know I'll survive.

I just would have been too stressed. My head was already exploding. I was so stressed/nervous/anxiety-filled that I was almost puking. Which was why I hated that I was half-relived when I missed the class.

And as I write this, I really think that will be my decision--go back to having the college course, Organismal Biology, be semester two. Then I'll be able to plan for it, there will be less going on, yadda yadda. I really need time to look into American colleges, scholarships in general, and go into college essays. With my regular work load and, for another month, the SAT stuff.

I think this is what will keep me sane.

I had planned to go to sleep at 10, but Mum kept me up a bit and I wanted to finish this so I stayed up a bit.

Xandor is in Snoopy's physics class. My best friend and my brother. I'm afraid I'll come up--not because I hide things from either, but that I stress different things with the two of them. And it's not as though I have a "Do Not Cross" list (which would probably be more helpful, because I would then be able to talk with both of them) but it's more of a...well, when I'm with the two of them together, and the topic changes to something about myself I'm not comfortable with in the amount of details/understanding either one has, I can divert the subject and talk about it with both later when I'm comfortable. But when I'm not there... And of course I'm worried that the two will end up good friends and that it will be weird but A) I don't see that happening so much and B) even if it does, it's known to happen with students and it's not too bad. In the long run it could make my friendship with both (and the time we spend together) even better, but it's still 'weird' to think about the two being in a class completely separate from me at their own school when she's a Senior, my age, and he's two years younger, a sophomore, regularly in a lower class. And the fact that I took the class last year, combined with the fact that he's taking the same math class as me this just feels strange. Things are connected in a way they never have been before. Not that it's bad or horrible. I just have to adjust.

And Rawley keeps hitting on Snoopy. I'm not even going to go into that one, for now. But I'm really disappointed in the whole lot of it. How EVERYONE is taking it--including myself.

Now, I'm going to bed.