July 13th, 2007

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

I'm going out of my mind.

I'm sorry I haven't made an entry. Fact for fact, I don't like making incredibly sad/angry entries at the moment for some reason. I guess I feel that with people calling me a 'strong person' I don't want to let people down. But I think that's rather horse dung.

I'm terrified to look to my future beyond Rowe. Not because of senior year at the Aggie. Because of how hard my dream is to achieve. Getting to England isn't going to be the 'skin off my nose.' It's going to be my whole face. I don't want to lose my face.

I have this incredible anger all the time. Sometimes I mask it. I'm scared, because I can't source it. I don't know where the anger is. I thought having another visit from Mrs. Cav planned for the future would lessen this. Instead? I get angry thinking about her coming over. This is so ridiculous I just get even angrier.

I'm also incredibly sad/depressed. I wake up at 2-3 in the morning when I can, depending on when people come to wake me up. I have a nurse here Monday and Thursday to inspect me and draw my blood. My blood thickness level is unstable. It went from 1.5 to 2.5 (proper amount with the drugs I'm taking) the time before last and, as I found out today, it's 1.5 again. Other days I wake up for hard PT with my PT person. I like it when I'm doing it. It's moments like these, when my anger overtakes me, that I just glare at the thought of all of it.

I still have visitors. I wish visitors made me happier. Wonderful women from church who bring flowers and food.

I miss my friends. I don't even think having them around would particularly make me happy. It just continues to confuse me. How does someone crack through my anger and sadness? Heck if I know, because I definitely don't. I go to sleep anywhere from 1-5 a.m., usually 3. No one bugs me. I let the TV drone on and I don't listen. I keep my laptop next to me, hoping somehow that a message will pop up and demand that I exit my side door to be whisked away to go somewhere. Feel human.

I hurt with my friends. Snoopy's situation combined with mine makes me cry. Then again, everything makes me cry. If I collected my tears I could use the glass of them to take all my handful of pills morning and night for a week.

Sometimes, I have these brief seconds of happiness. They only drive me further into madness when they're over. I want to go back to being human, being Kiwi.

I hate that I can mask it all. When someone IMs me and seems happy, I put on a mask.

I wish I didn't miss people so much. I want to be around people, but I don't want to talk or even smile or laugh. I don't know what in green's name I DO want. I would love to say 'I want a shoulder to cry on' but it doesn't seem that I need a shoulder, since I happen to cry spontaneously. And anyway, when people come, I put on the stupid mask anyway. I hate it. I haven't masked things to this extreme since sophomore year.

I miss Snoopy (and I think of her first because I just replied to an entry, it is not in order of importance. I would never do that). Neo. Abbi. Aubrey. Kleppy. Makuchan. Mrs. Cav. Lash. Sandra. Kathy. McSpleeny. Pantaxi. Icca. Mrs. Czyrk. Mrs. Brown. Jenne. Molly. Fae. Beans. Elena. Morgy. Jean. Even Dave. Treebum. Nora. SafiMoyo. Sapph. Evan. Heero. Merf. Arah. Pashi. Carol. Char. Eka. Robin-Eli. Bear. Renae. Hitomi. Kat.

So many more people. But when I think, 'What would you do if they were here?' I don't know the answer. Cry?

Looking at my life currently, yes.

And you don't have to give me all the optimism phrases. I'm a clever girl, I know them. I know all the things I could look at in my life--how soon I'll be able to walk, how quickly Rowe is approaching, how nice it is to have all these people who love me in my life, my character assets, my loving parents and good environment, etc. I see them. I also see my feelings, and they are above.

I'm in a snappy, cranky mood. I'm sorry. It's that anger. I need to get it out.

I still love you all. Kiwi will be back soon, I'm sure.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Mum was texting me around 9 a.m. (so I'm surprised I remember) and she had some very nice news.

I get to keep my old hip! She made three calls to figure things out, and a woman named Maria has the parts of my hip in a jar on her desk. I can't believe it was actually saved.

This makes me very happy.

Inside, I am laughing.

My hip will still be around!