June 5th, 2007

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Today was my pre-op assessment screening or whatever for my upcoming hip replacement. With the help of Mrs. Cav I decided not to go to school at all, despite that I could have made it in for two or three periods. I got almost 10 hours of sleep. It was wonderful.

Listened to music and napped on the way to the hospital. Signed in. Went into the registration room and we got out quickly 'cause Mum had pre-registered. Went upstairs. Sat in the waiting room. Was called for whatever came next.

It was a nasal test, to test for a staff infection. So I had swabs stuck up my nose. Felt a bit like cattle. Mum found Angie, who had helped her a lot on the phone, and I sat there watching them for a minute. Back to the waiting room. Was called in and saw the nurse practitioner. Explained my "history" once more. Sometimes I forget how long it is. Had a physical check up. Have to stop taking my medication before the surgery--that will bite. Had my blood drawn at some point. When I took of my sweatshirt and put out my arm the nurse said, "Oh, beautiful! It's sticking right out for me" about my vein. Then I just watched her work and asked questions about the different vials she was using, how many, etc. She said I was very good. Had to pee in a cup. Yaaaaay.

Back to the waiting room. Called to see the head of anesthesiology. No new information. Waiting room. Called for PT. Very quick once more. Waiting room. Social worker or whatever wasn't there. Went to get my X-rays and CT (CAT?) scan done.


Nurse: What is your name and date of birth?
Kiwi: Nicole Miranda St-----.
N: Do you have a middle name?
K: Miranda.
N: Do you have a middle initial?
K: ...M.

Had those done, not exciting. 'cept that the woman who did my x-ray had also had a hip replacement, and I totally couldn't tell at all.

Mum's language was a bit foul through the whole thing, so I requested she watch her mouth a little to be a bit more appropriate. She pointed out that I was in a ripped sweatshirt and PJ pants, but I tried to tell her it was easier for all the appointments. She didn't believe me. But in actuality, it made getting my blood drawn easier. Made changing into the medical frock and back again easier. I didn't have to take off my pants for the x-ray because it didn't have any metal. A few other things I forgot. So though I didn't look fabulous, it was really handy and people appreciated it.

Grabbed food from the cafeteria. Harlan adjusted me at Train Boston. Napped on the way home. At one point Mum asked, "Do you think Mrs. Cav is at school? Why don't you call her?" and I said I didn't think so. The next time I woke up we were at school and Mum was asking if I saw her car. I knew I wouldn't, she has yoga on Tuesdays... but it was nice of Mum to check. We ended up getting the absence excused, too.

Back home. Went online. Avoided my homework. Merf came up and brought two sundresses that Molly had been giving away and Merf thought I would like. A bag, too. She hung for a while and left. I called Snoopy. Decided to go over there to do homework. Waited for one of my parental units to come home, got in the van, reversed to the end of the driveway, saw Da coming in the volvo, and switched cars.

Got over there and talked. The computer wouldn't work well for me, so I didn't get my greenhouse sheets done. Did my maths homework and my English question. Couldn't find any more shrubs I wanted for the botany sheet, so I'll be a regular student and do the rest in class. Typed up the English question. Did stuff on writerscafe.org/

Rawley sent a text message flirting with Snoopy. "Why can't I stop thinking about you?" or something. We were both pretty shocked. We've never really witnessed Rawley--or anyone, that much--being so forward. Especially to someone who was dumped the night before. I actually didn't like that fact very much...I would think Rawley would wait a little while.

But my stomach just about exploded. I didn't know why, at first. Because my ex-girlfriend whom I liked but didn't really like me was texting flirtatiously with my supposed ex-crushgirl? It hurt, actually. It made me realize how much Rawley really hadn't liked me. It's okay. I get it and all, just admit that it hurt once more. Snoopy had asked earlier in the day if I still liked Rawley, and I said no. Wasn't lying. But how awkward it made Snoopy feel, and how she didn't know how to reply... We tried talking about it, and about what it felt like to like/love someone, but how am I supposed to know?

I hope I was helpful. I don't know.

But one of my first thoughts with Rawley's text was, "I hope this gets me to stop liking Snoopy" which surprised me. And I never know. Then thoughts/feelings of liking Snoopy kept bubbling up while I was there, and my stomach was very upset. But I didn't want to tell her especially knowing that she was saying, "I wish only one of them [Dave or Rawley] liked me. Or neither. Why do people have to like me? At least there are only two" and she wished no one else would tell her.

But I don't really have anyone else to talk to, save for my livejournal. Hopefully she'll get this after this is all worked out. She wanted me to promise not to let her get back together with Dave. I wouldn't promise it, and I told her so. I wouldn't want to stand in the way if she really did want to get back together. At the beginning of the evening she was thinking "no way" and at the end she was thinking "I don't know..."

She told Rawley she needed some space. Rawley said that it was fine, that she was worth waiting for.

I'm not sure I felt like crying. I don't want to like Snoopy. Worst of all, I don't KNOW if I do--because it's not a mental thing--but it's torturous because I think that's so. Rawley mentioned in a flirtatious line she couldn't stop thinking about Snoopy. What's my excuse for how often I think of her? And I always feel guilty. So, so guilty. Because she's always with someone, and it's usually someone I grow to love--Amanda or David. Exception for Nelson, but I didn't even mind HIM that much. Even Emily doesn't make me want to retch or anything, I do sometimes quite like her.

I don't think I would work. I'm not for her. I'm never sure enough, and I think she needs someone who knows what he/she wants. Rawley, as forward as she is, at least knows what she wants. Me? I over think everything. Don't trust my own feelings enough if I can't look at them through a mental light.

We understand each other. When I speak of how self-conscious I get sometimes over my not shaving, and how I sometimes think I should shave just so people won't feel so awkward around me, she plain out asks me, why? Why should I? She should be able to shave if she wants to shave, I should be able to not shave if I don't want to. She should be able to have pink hair and piercings if she wants to, I should be able to have naturally-colored hair and few piercings if I want to. And sometimes when I mention how hard I try in school or what I put myself through for grades, she'll say I could stop, but I don't feel pressured. I like that.

She's great. I KNOW I love her as a friend. But do I have other feelings for her? I think I do. And I wish they would go away, because they're misplaced. She already has two people who like her. She doesn't want a third. I don't want to make anything harder for her. And honestly, I would love to see her with Dave or Rawley even though I would be hurt. Rawley is obviously gahgah over her. Dave is obviously in love with her. What am I?

I'm happy to be her friend. Talk with her the way we did tonight. Help her out when I can.

Ah. I'm conflicted and confused. C and C.

On the way out the door I spotted the Bleeding Heart plant again, and smiled. A bleeding heart right outside her door. It was just too funny to me. On the ride home, I went slow, like I always do at night when there's no one around. I like to go the speed limit or even slower, so I can look at everything. At one point I saw a meteor or shooting star. I swear it must have fallen from the heavens all the way to Earth, because the arch it had was amazing. It warmed my heart, even though I was sad. I wished that Snoopy and Dave and Rawley would be happy. I asked in a little side note off to the side, may I be happy too?

I'm sorry, Snoopy, I didn't know where else to put this. I'm sorry. So very, very sorry. And if you want to ignore that this entry ever existed, I understand. I really do.