May 29th, 2007

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Back from Maine. Got one text message from el-jay people (which I adored!) but that was it. I was a bit saddened. I cried, I healed, I'm alright. I can understand why people wouldn't call.

TJ called and he learned about my upcoming hip replacement. Had questions about general anesthesia, and I told him I've been under it four times.

Today while I was doing my character list for English I called everyone who had her on my contact list and no one was available. Makuchan called back and gave me the information I needed. McSpleeny called back to tell me it probably wasn't due tomorrow 'cause we aren't supposed to be done with the book.

I went swimming today. I was self-conscious about being in a bathing suit, but I managed alright. Plowed right into the very cold water and dove. I stood there with everything but my neck and head in the water, listening and watching and feeling and smelling and tasting. I stopped being cold...or really, I didn't. I felt the earth under my toes, the water embracing me, the cold surfacing me, my own heat pressing out and enveloping me, and the air above me. I felt utterly connected and at peace. It was wonderful. One of the best feelings I've felt. I then swam about and had a jolly good time, giggling and all.

/Now I'm home doing Mrs. Hoegler's work. I'll be tired tomorrow, but it's alright. Mrs. Cav won't be in because she'll be at her aunt's burial. She's relieved to have the extra day to get herself together. I'm glad she has it. I'll sure miss her.

We talked for 45 minutes on Saturday. I had sent her one reply to an email before that, sent another later that night. She replied while I was online on Sunday but I haven't replied yet 'cause I'm not in the mood to write an email. But goodness I love that woman.

She said she loves me too, as hard as it is for me to hear and as hard as it is for her to say--because I'm a student. She says it'll be easier when I graduate, that we'll be peers. It's the first time she's mentioned our relationship beyond graduation. I knew there would be one, but I'm just so glad to hear her say something about it. About the change that will come, because we both know there will be one.

Anyway. I better get cracking on the work. I don't know how other students can procrastinate and write a paper at this hour. I remember I used to be able to, but what a silly thing for me to attempt now! Glad I'm not writing a paper. Just some random loose ends for my English teacher. Nothing huge.

Oh. A picture from Maine! It's from a cell phone so it isn't too great of quality and I liked it much better small, but here it is.

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Night everyone!
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Didn't wake up until 6:50. I didn't have enough sleep to get up and shower early in the morning. Went into school, hung out with Makuchan and Kleppy and Cat, went to class. Flori quiz. Acer was late and tired. He told me about his summer job. I wish I could have one of those. Next year, next year. We did some stuff in Career Development that wasn't that important. I've been writing a letter to Aubrey from Rowe. Oh, one of the sentences I had to read from a silly letter in Cardep was, "The laws of physics do not apply to me." I giggled.

Third period GSA. Mrs. Hoegler didn't show up even though she said she was going to. We had a few people there, and quite a few people cared but others didn't. We can't plan anything because my school needs 20 school days on the calendar for it to go through. So it was a bit of a goodbye. Next year, president or co-president or not, I am GETTING THINGS DONE. Even if I have to do it all. I get tired of people volunteering and not doing it, permission slips not being organized by advisors, whatever the case is. In other clubs the higher-up people do it for the rest of the club. Maybe that will just have to happen for this one. Some seniors jumped into the pond. I saw them circled around it, and saw one carrying floats and boogie boards.

Boty we weeded. Ms. Watson kept me constantly laughing. After I was done weeding I sat there and looked at my stomach, my sides. I wondered what people called me, if it wasn't fat. I'm not fat. I'm not skinny. I have sides, have a belly. I'm not light. I'm sturdy, the wind won't knock me over. I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. I am who I am at the moment, and that's good enough for me. I just have to keep coming to that conclusion, because I keep feeling large. But either way, it isn't going to change if I think it. Accept who I am. Be happy with who I am as a person, physically and whatever else. Makuchan calls me 'soft.' That makes me giggle. Ms. Watson drove me and Acer back in the old arbor truck. We then laughed with Icca about physics and how reading a paragraph in the book leaves us understanding nothing.

In phics, since Mrs. Cav wasn't there, we did book work. I just kept my book out and worked on my character list for Conlit. Finished it off even though it wasn't due. During lunch I printed out the literary terms, gave Morgy a copy. Printed out the Alice Walker information. Went and grabbed lunch. Talked. Found out in history that most of the pages for the Alice Walker stuff hadn't printed.

In conlit we didn't get much done anyway. Corrected a quiz. An old student came in with her son, so Mrs. Hoegler was entranced. I couldn't get the printer to work. We didn't even go over anything. It was as if nothing was due at all. In maths we're learning some trigonometry and so far it hasn't become overly tricky. After class I talked with Mrs. Czyrk since Mrs. Cav wasn't there. After all, I like Mrs. Czyrk a lot. Love, really, though people get weirded out by my loving teachers, I know. But they're people. They do so much for me. Growing up, out of anyone, the ones I was closest to loving was teachers. Now that I can love...well, I love them easily. It comes naturally to me. She has so much faith in me, I wish I could have that faith in myself. She knows I will do the work and get things done and things will turn out well. She always knows I will do it. Why can I not think that myself?

On the bus I thought about that. I'm so sick of going from both extremes. Arrogance runs in my family, and I fall victim to it sometimes. I hate that feeling. It makes me feel conceited and selfish and narcissistic, and I hate it. So I try to rip the feelings out, and instead I am left with these feelings of inadequacy and that I am not good enough. I don't like that either, but in the name of some unnamed and untrue Good I keep myself there instead of going to arrogance. I wish I could find the middle ground. I don't want to think I'm not good enough. I don't want it to have to be that I'm Too Good or I'm Not Good Enough. I want to be in the mindset that I am as good as I am, and that is good enough. That I will get better in the future because I work hard. There, should that be so hard? I'm working on it. It feels better when I say it. I will remember that. Maybe write it on a card and keep it in my wallet or something. "I am as good as I am, and that is good enough. I will get better in the future."

Grammie picked me up. Once again, her driving scared me. She saved me from having to pick up Xandor, though. Came home and went online. I felt pretty horrid when I couldn't get a single person on furcadia to talk to me. Then, somehow, I stumbled upon this dream. Said hello. Got a hello in return! I was soon a part of the gang. It was glorious.

I did my physics homework--took extensive notes on the computer. Extensive notes help me. I will highlight them and it will help me further. I want to continue doing well in that class. Every class. I hope I still do well in English. And history. And Mrs. Brodeur's classes, which are always a mystery... Sigh.

28 days until hip surgery. I keep wishing I had someone around me to constantly offer a hug when I needed it, which is often. I know that can't happen. I get so happy, and then I go down. But I always get happy again, and that gives me hope. Then there are the moments of contentment that I love above all others. When I am content, I feel balanced. Connected. Even and centered. I love that feeling.

Mrs. Steele told me she admired me. That I never bitched and moaned about the adversaries I faced. I was completely flustered, not understanding how a grown woman could admire someone like me. But I know I have admired people who are younger, and so I know it is possible. I'm thankful of her support. Her admiration...I don't know what to do with that. Just smile and hug her, that was my answer. Say "thank you." Ah, Mrs. Steele.

I have felt very lonely lately. For the first time in my life, I feel attractive. I don't feel like scum of the earth, either. I feel that I'm getting somewhere, working for something, growing into myself. Showing my true colors. And so I am sad when I do not meet others "on my level" in my life, whatever that means. It's not a wordy thing. My brain doesn't go, "That person isn't on your level, Kiwi, it won't work out." It's a feeling, when it's there. I notice it when it's not, I soak in it when it's there. I don't know what it is or where it comes from, and it isn't even only a part of romantic attractions. It is a part--or not a part of--any king of relationship I have with someone. I wish I could feel it as part of a romantic feeling as well. To know that I can, even. Wish I weren't so lonely.

I wonder, sometimes, if I am hanging onto someone from another lifetime like Hitomi was. I don't know if I consciously believe in reincarnation, but I think a part of me does. I think that my soul--or going by other beliefs, the pieces of my soul that have come together for me in this life--has loved deeply. I don’t know if I would have the bravery Hitomi had in letting myself free from it, either. I would be afraid to, afraid of…what? I don’t know. If there are past lives, I think past parts of me have loved incredibly deeply. And so I wonder, even if it is idly--for I will never now--if I am holding on to someone from long ago, even before this birth in this body. Always thinking. I'm always thinking. Smile.

Sometimes I feel like the moon's lover. I look up at the moon and picture this beautiful dark-skinned woman with glowing hair and eyes and lips and nails, depending on the cycle of the moon, looking down on me. I never know where that one comes from. Silly fantasy? I'm sure we all have them. I still feel like the moon's lover sometimes, as silly as it is. Giggle, Mum used to call me Moongirl because I started my moontime on an exact full moon.

Well. Those are a lot of Kiwithoughts, aren't they? There are always many of them. McSpleeny tells me not to worry. "You just think too much, Kiwi, that's your problem." She's probably right. I do spend an awful lot of time thinking of all sorts of things. But I think that's what the daydreaming my younger self did turned into.

I still daydream. I think a lot of the thoughts are daydreams. Maybe Kiwi, Lover of the Moon is an extensive daydream. But isn't it fabulous?

I think so.

I have one song that I keep singing over and over. It reminds me of Mrs. Cav and Gar from church. "For Good" from Wicked.

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  • Current Music
    For Good -- Wicked.