May 25th, 2007

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Woke up at 5:30, did the getting-ready thing. Bus in the morning. The seniors had taken the staff parking and were tailgating in the parking lot with Senior Breakfast. That was cute. Mrs. Cav called for my attention from there. I stayed with Pantaxi and Casey until I saw Mrs. Cavn moving towards the caf building, then followed. Printed out my greenhouse sheets and chatted.

MCAS history pilot test was horrible once again. Had to keep wiping the anger from my face and staying blank so I wouldn't make others uncomfortable. Answered what I could, was too drained for the open response. I wrote a letter of apology for not being more helpful, and hoped that they were still getting some useful results from others. Went back to flori and did stuff for the flori monopoly game. Taught Acer how to properly use glue. Growled at Joey for annoying me and apparently threatened to kill him. More like:

Kiwi: "If you don't move right this minute, I'm going to grasp your throat with my hands for three minutes without letting go." [Glares.]
Acer: [Looks over.] "Wouldn't that kill him?"
K: [Frowns at A.] "Glad you got the point." [Glances at Joey.] "Or I'll rip off your arrogant smirk and plaster it to the wall while making you watch."
Joey: [Laughs.]
A: "Why would you want to do that?"
K: [Growls.] "Because he annoys me." [Eyes Joey.]
A: [Chuckles.] "I love that you say it so bluntly."

(Joey and I are friends and normally get along, but he can be really annoying sometimes. I requested politely that he move and he eyed me but didn't, so I asked with a little more oomph and he moseyed a half an inch, and then I got miffed.)

Boty worked on the lab and Ms. Watson was off with the sophomores. Greem we went in and watched "Catch Me if You Can" with Mrs. Madison's career development class. Ethical choices and all.

Phics lab. Horrendous. I was a cranky beast, but that never ceases to amuse Icca and Pantaxi. Pantaxi has apparently been talking to everyone about how I managed to go on a shopping spree and get five cool things with five dollars. (Found a beat-up but good hackey sack and washed it, found beat-up but savable sunglasses and washed them, found a good reversible hat--two for one!--for $3, and found leggings and tights for $1 each.) We pouted through the lab and hardly got anything done, but it was okay because Mrs. Cav didn't expect us to and the class got basically nothing done.

Depressed during lunch. Talked with Mrs. Cav then went with Morgy to get lunch. Was more sarcastic than I normally am, but that was 'cause I was in cranky crocus mode. Apparently I am amusing when cranky. Ate lunch talking with Morgy and Mrs. Cav.

History notes and then fell asleep when he gave us the rest of class. He gave the intern people a good-bye speech. I thought it was cute. Woke up all discombobulated. Maths listened to Amad's pretty bad project (she kept making herself confused and then swearing at the other kids) and then Brenna's pretty bad project (didn't have much to teach, didn't have a definition for what she was teaching, didn't keep the class manageable). I hope I do well for the project. English we had a quiz I didn't know about. Hadn't read chapters 9-21, but had read the book before and watched the movie. Didn't do WELL but I didn't get a 0. Somewhere in-between. :). I'll catch up later and do well, since I actually like the book. It's easier the second time through for me.

Didn't want to leave Mrs. Cav especially since she thought I had driven and got to stay with her. Went out to the bus sadly and then ripped out my cell phone on the way, called Mum, and got her to say it was okay to stay after a while and have her pick me up. I scurried over to Mrs. Cav's room and surprised her. Held up my phone, "I'm quick with my phone!" she laughed. She organized her stuff and I watched her, as it often happens. Sometimes I cried because I was sad.

Before we had to leave, the fact that I have 15 (14 now) Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays left before hip replacement hit me. Especially since I'm using three to be up in Maine, and I don't want to go but don't want to hurt my uncle. This time when she caught me crying she asked what I was thinking about. I told her and she looked at me almost in confusion.

"I don't know how to help you, Kiwi," she said. "Not with this." I almost laughed, but shook my head. I told her she didn't have to, that wasn't what I was looking for from her. She always thinks she has to have these wise words for me, ideas of what to do. That simply isn't true. Her company helps me. She walked to me and said, "It'll all be okay" as she hugged me. I rested against her collarbone and shoulder, and after a few miniature sobs felt better. She remarked, "Just the cards you're dealt..." I said, "I was never very good with cards." "I hate cards," she replied. We laughed. I told her as she continued getting ready to leave that that had been the perfect way to help me, that she had done just the right thing.

I hope she knows she helps me like that. As much as I value her words and ideas, that's not what I go to her for. I go to her because she touches my soul and makes me feel connected. I feel connected with her. So as much as her words reach me mentally, her hugs and connection help me more.

When she was packing up her car I swallowed a few times, acknowledged my fears and let them go...and asked, "Do--do you think you would be able to visit me while I'm recovering?" She turned around suddenly and said, "It'll be the summer, right? Of course! All you have to do is ask." Then she paused. "Were you worried about that?" I nodded slightly, but continued smiling as she mentioned that of course she could. I would just have to tell her when, we would have to work on setting things up, and I would have to remember that if I didn't feel up to it that day I had to call her and tell her I couldn't do it until a later date. She walked over and hugged me, saying, "I'm glad you told me." She grinned. "After all, I can drive!" I smiled and replied, "I won't be for a few weeks, but then I'll be back in action!" I waved her off and sat under the bus tree, thinking about life, mocking birds, and Mrs. Cav.

Someone came up and sat down next to me. I love it when people do that silently. I looked over and saw it to be Icca. We talked a little, checked in with each other. Then we started laughing and came back to ourselves. We discovered that the thing I had been staring at in front of me in the parking lot was a small dead squid or something, probably from the animal science building. "Only at the Aggie..." I muttered. She took a picture of me with her cell phone. We got each other's number again and I asked her to send the picture to my email, but then had to do it myself 'cause she didn't know how.

Got picked up, talked with Mum on the way home. We both almost cried--her at Hannah's death, me when she talked about nature-walking and all the things she still enjoyed at Maine--most of which I can't do. Got home, cleaned up parts of the kitchen, then picked up Xandor from practice. Internet. Wrote a ficlet in response to a prompt. Posted it in the community. Will post it in kiwish_beat.

Going to Maine. Sigh. It'll be painful. When I'm in Maine, it feels as though time hasn't past. My body and mind prepares to do all these fun things, and then it crashes down on me that I can't. But worst of all is that I always realize how CLOSE I am, but how I'm not yet there yet--and between where I am now and how I'll be then, there's a huge mountain to overcome. I know I will. It's just scary. I cry from fear and sadness and goodbyes, but I know I can do it.

Onto the fun stuff!

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