May 20th, 2007

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Alright. Time for a post before bed.

Ferry Beach was unique. We knew it would be. I didn't even have my brother there. Many people didn't go--Arah, Pashi, and quite a few big FUSF families. The weather was "poor" according to the general crowd, though I quite enjoyed it.

I had mood swings like crazy Saturday morning. I was crying when Quackie came over and asked, "Can I have a hug?" I jumped up, said, "Sure" and then asked, "Why?" She told me she had missed me and as we hugged I sobbed. Why? Oh, spirits know *I* don't know. We laughed a little while I was crying--for my uncontrollable tears come even when I laugh.

I found out that my brother is indeed being bullied at school. Caleb told me. It pains my heart. Xandor doesn't talk to anyone, either. Caleb says it is because Xandor is arrogant always. Cocky constantly. Sigh. For as much as I love and adore my brother, I know that to be true. He is opposite me with the way he announces his abilities--I shove them under the rug and pretend they are not there, that I do not have them, that I am not "great" at anything so no one will notice my characteristics (not a good way to go about things). He announces everything, brags, and goes about being snooty (also not a good way to go about things). Somewhere in the middle is a happy medium I'm working on attaining. So far, he is very pleased to stay on the arrogant and cocky side. I'm hoping that will change as he grows. I think it will. He is maturing as slowly in his life as I did quickly in mine. Through it all, though, I love him. He is my brother after all.

I had a good time with Gar and Steve (dubbed "Anti-Social Steve" last year). He is no longer that anti-social, though he did mainly follow Gar and I around. Well, me. They apparently dubbed me their leader and so they followed me around, which meant I polled them often as to what they wanted to do so that while they were following me it was to somewhere they wanted to be. Sharing leadership is fun.

We ventured to the beach and back. They got me to eat some. I wore my little red dress and my hair in a pony tail. I look very different from how I have ever looked in my life with my curling brunette hair and my body the way it is. I'm still not used to having these brown curls.

The talent show was amusing. I got to know Tom a little more. (Sometimes I wish I had an attraction to boys just so I could fall madly for him.)

I wore my black-with-rainbow-tracing cloak everywhere. I love cloaks. :). People thought it was great.

Claudia gave me the spiky bracelet she told me she would give me. The sixth graders hung around me often and it was fabulous. I loved hearing their stories and watch them interact with little Sarah the seven-year-old with a fourteen-year-old attitude. Claudia was very homesick. She was always very excited to see me. On Saturday night when Duncan Sings-Alone was telling stories, I kept catching her watching me. I remembered when I used to watch my role-models and people I looked up to, and how embarrassed I used to get when they would catch me and look away. So I just smiled at her whenever I caught her and looked back at Duncan. She would smile back. Sunday for breakfast she was at the table across from me and we made faces at each other and giggled. Also Sunday, she came onto the beach with Sarah and Sarah's family while I was there with Gar and Steve. I had rolled up my legwarmers and yoga pants and had taken off my cloak, so it was apparent that I don't shave. It struck me how worried I was that she wouldn't accept that part of me. I think she gave me an odd look, but more one of slight wonder--as if she hadn't seen any other girl near her age who would defy such a sure part of society as shaving. I remembered, once again, that in 6th grade I had never met anyone like 11th-grade-Kiwi either.

And so it dawned on me, as I am now apparently a mentor of sorts, that the acceptance-string goes both way. At the same time that she's worried about continuing to have my acceptance, I'm worried about it from her--and in that we can connect all the more, smile deeper, laugh harder with our humanity and vulnerabilities. I will remember this for my relationships with MY mentors, when I am the one being mentored. It is a two-way street. I had the idea before, but I "get" it now that I have experienced it.

Steve may have liked me. Our parting was slightly awkward. I think he wanted to hug me, but I was never sure and so we just made awkward fumbles until I decided a high five would be in our best interest. I hope he didn't like me. Until this year, I swear, I had never had male interest in me in my life. Now I have younger male interest. Where is this coming from?

I think it was around my 15th time in a row going up to Ferry Beach, since Mum and Da have been bringing me up since they joined. It was their first church activity, before even a service. They had viewed it as a vacation they could afford. I have always gone. This year, it hit me how often I have gone. First it hit me that the last three years I have been handicapped while there and now I am so close to being 'normal' again. So excited--won't it come?--but also so scared--please never come. Then I remembered back to different Ferry Beach memories, when I followed Quackie around like a puppy. When I was Pashi's little friend. I remembered Kids for the Earth, the ecology camp I went to there. I loved it.

Lots of remembering. Connection. There was no Carol. That was strange. Many different things. I wonder what next year will be like. Officially made it into a new journal! The one Gar got me for my birthday. <3. Eeei, I drove 125 of the 138 miles up to Ferry Beach in the rain on Friday, and then all the way home today--some of it in the rain, some of it in BAD rain. I'm getting better with this.

Got a Ferry Beach sweatshirt! Black zip-up hoodie. I'm glad. It's so comfy and comforting. I feel good. Tired, but good.

Today I read this on a postsecret and almost cried: "You are not boring or vain or simple or mean. You're colorful, complex, and have a beauty that's all your own. And for the record, you are infinitely nicer than they give you credit for."

I don't know why I almost cried, but I did. That paragraph just seems so beautiful to me.

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