May 16th, 2007

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Woke up and snoozed for a while. I was just so comfortable. Got up, slipped into my rainbow, and went about my morning business. I had an email from Mrs. Cav telling me she was going to be visiting her aunt in the morning, and would I tell one of her students she was sorry they couldn't meet that morning?

As for the rainbow: Two mini youth pride flags, one up in each half braid. A rainbow tie, my rainbow dogtag necklace, a Rainbow City shirt (black spaghetti strap with "rainbow city" written in rainbow), rainbow belt, armwarmer, armsock, wristband, belt, stockings under rolled up jeans, and shoelaces. It was certainly rainbow day in Kiwiville.

Got some mumbles on the bus. The sophomore Gina said she liked my school spirit. Val smiled at me. I know she wants to do things like I do, in her own way. She will someday, I know it.

Ate lunch in the cafeteria slowly. Makuchan said she liked my outfit, then went on her way over to plant science. Kleppy wasn't in today--poison ivy. Korkor commented on my rainbow, but wasn't that kind. Then he didn't stick up for me when his friends made fun of me. That upset me--he's supposed to be my friend. He claimed me as his "little lesbian" freshman year, and now he ignores me. At least when there are others around. It saddens me. He has no reason to be ashamed of me. But when he's with his friends, he doesn't treat me very well. Ouch.

When I was walking to plant science I was harassed by some boys in my year or the year bellow me. "What is this, a fuckin' gay pride parade?" Mumblemumble. I don't like the way I responded--I swore at them to 'something off.' I don't like swearing, and I don't like that it brought me to cussing...but I wouldn't stay silent, and that's what came out. I growled at them. I knew it wouldn't do anything, that also lecturing wouldn't do anything... One said, "I'll pay one of you five bucks to go up and take one of her fuckin' flags." There is no way to win with them, and it has nothing to do with me. I won't let their own insecurities pain me more than I can stand. I'm not ashamed, and I wasn't even wearing the rainbow because I'm gay--being gay doesn't make people wear rainbows, and wearing rainbows does not make people gay.

I was harassed like that a few times, but I'm okay. The others loved it. I felt fine the way I was. They were just a burr between my toes. There was a lot of mumbling and all, but the happy "squees!" I heard far outweighed it. I knew I would be the only one participating before I donned my rainbow, and I knew that I would be teased and harassed. I chose to anyway. Someday, I hope, things will change. I know rainbow holds meanings, but it's also a combination of colors--a combination I enjoy and have enjoyed since I was born. But it's not about the color. I'll continue to be who I am and work to change things. I know that I saw hopeful looks today, people looking and wishing they could live like I live. I like helping them. It certainly outweighs the hurt.

Did pretty well on my flori quiz, I think. Passed in my OSHA certificate. Went out with Ms. Watson's class to weed the admin. building beds. It was a lot of fun. :). Makuchan kept picking up and naming bugs. Abby made fun of us, but she can be mean anyway. I don't mind her. My friends and I had fun. Acer was a ball.

Phics was normal. We went over problems. I stared at the board a lot, but paid attention. Had lunch with Makuchan since Kleppy wasn't here. We "stalked" Mrs. Cav on her daily trip to the bathroom (as creepy as that sounds, we normally walk there together since it's down two halls and we usually want to go together--she goes in the staff area, anyway). Makuchan shoved herself into a gym locker. We all laughed.

We finally finished the documentary we've been watching forever in hers. I got a 95 on my test. Pretty alright. I got a 110 on my quiz in conlit--McSpleeny got a 111. That was fun. :). Understand what we're doing in trialge and that's always fun.

Mrs. Cav told me her aunt is being moved out of the hospital. I'm so happy. I lit a candle for her at church, but didn't tell Mrs. Cav. I've been praying in that way I do. She was happy. I asked if she wanted one of the corsages I made, and she said no thank you. Asked if I would wear it, since it matched. I said no, probably not. "Your mother?" she asked. There was another question in her eyes--I think to ask if I had forgiven my mother--but I couldn't tell. For some reason, I said no, probably not. The last time I gave something to my mother she didn't really thank her... I'm not upset with her or anything, and I'm not sure why I said no, but I did. Mrs. Cav then asked, "Xandor?" and I finally smiled. "Only if I want it eaten!" "Eaten?" she asked, surprised. "Yeah," I said. "He'd probably feed it to the dog." We both laughed and she decided she would take it. She tried to hook it into one the button holes of her shirt. I felt bad since I felt as though I had forced it on her...but I was glad that she was happy and smiling. I wasn't really sure what was going on with me at that point. I had been thinking of her when I made the corsage.

There was a cell phone adventure with my mother, my grandmother, and me. We figured it out eventually. I ended up driving to Sherri's--my therapist. Had to turn around once, but I got over there fine. We had a nice conversation. Going to write an "Ode to my Hip." Say goodbye. We talked about quite a bit.

Came home and did my work. I wrote a personal paper rough draft for Mrs. Hoegler, even though it's not due until Monday. I wanted it out of the way, at least one of them. I'll probably do a different one. At least I have one done, though. Sometime to mess with. Got some practice. So now I have my greenhouse sheets and my personal paper done, and I can relax for tomorrow's gay marriage party and then Ferry Beach.

Today was nice. :). I'm glad I got to be rainbow queen again. I had missed that. Even when people tried to pierce me with looks or mean phrases, I felt this...Rowe presence around me, like a really comfy cloak. It was fabulous.

The insects are out now, munching on the tender plant foliage. Another part of spring. I like the sound of the rain outside my window, hitting the oak and mystery tree just out of view usually.