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Kiwi Crocus
10 May 2007 @ 09:49 pm
Went to school with little stuff today 'cause I had the plant show. Went to Mrs. Cav in the morning. Her eyes were sad when she was unpacking her stuff, and I could tell she was thinking about something hard and was mainly in her head. I asked tentatively if the morning had treated her well, and she said her aunt was very sick in the hospital. That she had spent the evening in the hospital with her. "Well, not her, really, her sister," she said. "I know she's 80-something so I know I could say, 'well, she's had a good life,' but that just isn't helping." I nodded and listened attentively. After a minute I said, "I'm sending you a hug right now."

Because I can't really touch her. She's been so afraid of the student/teacher line, and it got worse a while ago when we had both been horribly sad and I put my arm on her shoulders. It made us feel better. But there had been people in the room at lunch, and the next morning she had said we had crossed a line, we had made others feel uncomfortable--that if she had been male, eyebrows would have been raised. And it's true. Eyebrows already have been raised amongst my peers because I'm gay. Even though it isn't fair. So I understand all that. But in being so cautious, she's gone even beyond most Aggie teachers. The Aggie is loosey-goosey with teachers and students. At the Aggie, it's okay to sit down next to a teacher and be touching shoulders. To hug. To fool around and punch arms and realize that they're human. So in what she's been doing to avoid crossing the line, she went waaaaay on the other side past all the other teachers. Mrs. Cav has always been formal. Now it's even more so, and while at the same time it's frustrating, I understand. But nowadays I feel guilty when she goes to hug me or when I hold her hand for some comfort. I look at her as a mother and a friend and a teacher and a mentor and a kindred spirit... not as anything else.

But I understand. So I wonder about what it'll be like next year when I'm no longer HER student, and then after next year, when I won't even be a student at the school at all. But it scares me too so I don't think about it. But I would really love to give her a back rub when she looks tense the way she did for me once when I was a sophomore, just because she's kind hearted and compassionate and saw me in agony.

But she perked up a little by the time I left. Went to the plant sale. Acer and I hung around doing nothing 'cause we didn't have a job, and my hip hurt, but it was alright. Did a few English questions.

The plant sale was nice. I liked that my goofy hat kept me out of the sun. Though I wasn't very good with the pricing, I was good with the people and making them feel comfortable so I still felt useful. Hanging out with Acer and the other people who passed through was fun. Being around Ms. Watson was humorous.

Took my twenty-minute lunch break to go to the last half of physics to make sure I stayed caught up. It was good I went. I gave my lab group--Jimbob and Frapp and Britt--my lab report 'cause they didn't have theirs, so Jimbob was able to do the questions he was supposed to do. Gave Josh my English questions so he could give them to my English group--Brittles and Bethaloupe. I stayed a few minutes beyond the lunch I was given for the plant sale. I stayed into the lunch I normally had with Mrs. Cav, mainly to check on her. She was really concentrating on getting that part of the physics lab right. She looked really...down, though. Even angry to a degree, though she says she's not very good with anger so I don't know. But we were okay and laughing when I left to go back to plant science.

Apparently Ms. Watson had guessed that we would make more than $3000. Cassy, halfway through the sale, had found change in her pocket and dumped it in. At the end of the sale we had #3,000.08. It was fabulous. We had popsicles in the teacher's lounge and locked everyone else out, 'cept for people who had worked the sale.

Didn't have to take my botany quiz and didn't take my floral quiz.

Visited Mrs. Cav on the way to the bus. She was smiling more and joking. I was glad. Hugged her tight before I left--that's when we're allowed to hug, when we're saying goodbye. But as I was afraid of, it has become more a perfunctory move, really. Last year I wouldn't touch anyone and no one could touch me, so when I was finally able to hug her it was special. Now they're not usually special. But today it was.

Bus ride was nice, drove the van home, and stayed outside with the dog for hours. First in the tree and then under the tree. I just sat and watched and listened and smelled. Didn't want to taste. It was so lovely. Saw a wonderful, large butterfly and a little chirping bird right above me. Watched the bugs maneuver around. Felt the wind. It was fabulous.

Wrote a story for Mrs. Cav, it's in my writing journal kiwish_beat.

Now I'm really down again. It's way too hot. I printed out most of the stuff I need for school. I'm not letting me panic over not having my topic picked for math yet. It isn't worth it. Mrs. Czyrk will help me, she said she would.

I looked up hip replacement recovery. A story for another day.

Today was a good day. I just wish it didn't end with my feeling like this.