May 9th, 2007

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)

Good gods, I'm just a mess.

Not in that normal 'Kiwi-is-a-mess' way. No panic attacks in school, no random bursting into tears, no running to people just to share my soul.

This one is different. I'm shrugging school off. Not as in I'm trying any less or anything--I'm still trying my best and it's still apparent, I just don't panic so much. And if I get two points off, big whoop, two points. Little disappointment and then it's over, because how much are two points on a test in junior year going to affect my life? I don't even care, seriously. It's a 98. I'll live.

I still have the urge to cry at random though. Sometimes when I'm talking, sometimes when I'm silent. My body wants to cry. Maybe my soul, maybe even my mind. I don't know.

This time last year and the year before, I was asking, "What's going on with me? I don't understand."

This year I just feel sad. And this year, I KNOW that my mindset is off. The years prior I didn't know, didn't understand.

This year I look to the future and see the immediate negatives, and I know that's off. It isn't Kiwi. That's not what I do when I'm normal and healthy. When I'm normal and healthy, I look to the obstacles and plan how I can continue to work through them to find positive outcomes or at least learn from them.

Currently, I just look at them at cry.

I think: "I can't wait for it to be summer."
and then I think, "No wait, 6 days out of school and I get my hip replace so I have to recover for a month and re-learn how to walk and live. Then three weeks of camp in which I don't see my school or church friends. Then summer reading."

I think: "Fine, then I can't wait for senior year."
and then I think, "But wait, no. I'm going to have to do an extra AP course or two with the local high school, plus all my regular classes including Spanish and probably not enough studies, plus two SATs throughout the year and an SAT course as well as planning for going abroad and how it's going to happen."

I think: "Okaaaay then, I can't wait for college."
and then I think, "I'll be so busy catching up with everyone, because they went through English school systems and were specialized in at least something they wanted to do by the time they graduated. They're farther ahead than I am and I'll have to play keep up while doing all this work."

Normally, I would be excited for the chance to have a new hip for the first time in more than three years. Normally, I would be drooling at the idea of Rowe and all its spectacular, nature-y wonders. Normally, I would be excited for senior year and all the new fun I get to experience with my new baby hip. Normally, I would be looking to college with anxious excitement and smiling an unsure but hopeful smile.

I like spending time at Snoopy's. I hate being at my house, alone with myself in my room. I don't inspire myself to do my work. I barely motivate myself to write or talk to people, or even turn on the TV. I sit and steam. Not meditate--I can barely do my evening 20-minute meditations nowadays.

I can't sleep well. I think I have bad dreams haunting me, but I can never remember them. Possibly something about going to talk to people and talking about hair and eyelashes and my skin tone while underneath, I'm screaming. Silent screaming. I don't even know what I'm screaming because I can't hear myself.

Something like that. It's the image I have when I wake up.

School is going well. I get happy when I'm in school. I stay happy for a while when I'm home. I get sad. I call Snoopy, force a smile onto my face and a giggle into my voice, and go over. Get a bit happier but feel okay enough to let my guards down. Motivate myself to do my work.

I still don't feel I can fully talk to anyone, and I don't know what to SAY either. That's the most frustrating part. Over the years I've learned to talk with people, learned to get things out. Currently I can make up an excuse to keep me from talking to ANYONE, even knowing that they're usually not true.

Snoopy -- too much of her own stuff, I don't know what to say, it would be "awkward" (Dear Kiwi, define "awkward.")
Mrs. Cav -- tries to give advice, give answers, gets uncomfortable around negative topics and gets slightly squirmy.
Parents -- start talking about college.
Brother -- doesn't get it, too much into the freshman-boy mindset.
Church friends -- busy or far away or too snappy online and makes me cry.
Other teachers -- too personal, not comfortable enough.
Guidance councilor -- ...haha.
Therapist -- gets paid to (which is a really weird excuse, but my brain has its own inner--odd--logic that somehow still half makes sense).
School friends -- either don't care, have too much on their plates, or wouldn't get it. Or give me advice. Or get uncomfortable and start squirming.
Muggzzey -- doesn't talk back, only wants me for my food.

There. Excuses for everyone.

Enough angsting into my livejournal. I want to get better. I really do. And I still can't wait for hip replacement--it's always on my mind. It doesn't leave. Ever.