This has been one of the strangest hours.
I was looking through google for "kindred spirits". Definitions, experiences, beliefs... Every time I read something, my heart would flip. "That's true with Mrs. Cav and me!" and then "That one isn't! What if this kindred spirithood isn't true...?" and I realized how ridiculous that was.
It isn't even about her, really.
I have amazing friends. Hopefully, we all know that.
I look at them and think, "I would do anything for them. I would sing until my voice dried up, climb mountains until my footsteps eroded them to hills, and swim across oceans just to watch them smile. I trust them with my life."
All very honorable thoughts.
People say friendship is a two-way street. It is.
But when I try to reciprocate it and think that these friends think the same of me, I freeze. I have been doing so much work to think better of myself. Think positively, work things through without hurting MYSELF in the process (because normally I hurt myself more than anyone else).
Then I recognize thoughts like that, and what bubbles up after them. Feelings of inadequacy. That even if these friends DO love me and trust me, I don't deserve it--that I'm not good enough for it.
When I see that, it makes me think, "Wow, no wonder I'm having troubles with Mrs. Cav."
Because it's the deepest friendship I have ever experienced, going even beyond what I would define as regular friendship. My connection with her is so deep that sometimes I just feel we're connected on a different level, kindred spirit level.
But while I'm having all these pesky thoughts of, "What if it really isn't KShood?" it's hard to just BE with her. Without my acts and interpretations and guards. It is also said that letting a friend into one's heart is also allowing the person to hurt you most.
My fear of rejection bubbles up every time. And somewhere deep down in my heart, I know that Mrs. Cav wouldn't do that to me, ever. Would never cause me that sort of pain. Wouldn't say, "Oh, hey, you know? You're not actually the person I thought you were, we're not connected at all, goodbye." I know that because I would never even consider doing it to her. I love her too much.
Yet when those thoughts come up, I get scared anyway. Because with how close she is to my heart, she could rip it out and stomp on it harder than anyone I've ever met. Harder than those I've loved romantically and/or physically--neither of which I do her. So I'll feel those fears and put guards up--start rambling, bumbling, making a fool of myself.
Sometimes I think that I'm lying to her. Not in words, just in Self. That the Self she knows isn't the real me, just some Honorable spin on it that isn't true. But then I begin to think that no, she knows me best of all--she has seen me un-measurably happy; in deep cesspools of panic and despair; so bitter that every word drowns the room in sarcasm; so full of love that my heart expands to every niche of the room. She knows me from the very tip of my scalp to the very last cell of my toe in the ways that matter to me (as in not physically, or psychically, or through scab-picking questions).
Which adds to the fact that if she ever turned her cheek, I would turn to stone for a good long while and experience pain nigh intolerable. But she won't, and I need to begin to understand this. Same with my other friends. Because even if they do? I'll be all right in the end. But I need to trust and love--and love and trust that other people are doing the same of me--so that I'm sharing my whole self, and being open and authentic and true. Letting nothing get in the way of my Self.
Because while I'm worrying about if I'm a good enough friend, what my friendship can be defined as, and what the other person is thinking of me at any given time, that's what I'm doing.
Distorting the Self. Showing something that isn't truly me, in the purest sense of the thought. I'm doing exactly what I fear I'm doing--and if I would just be courageous over the fear, I wouldn't be doing it anymore!
Ahhah. That makes more sense to me.
It's still taking a long time to realize that people can love me, and DO love me. That I am loveable with my flaws. I'm getting through old hurt of lost friendships and realizing that I can do this. I can give myself wholly and completely and even deal with the pain if it happens again in the future. Really, the pain hurt less than the memories of the pain do. It won't be immediate and it won't always be 100%, but I'll be trying. Friendship.
I'm loveable and I love you.
(Yes, yes, one of my well-known incredibly long entries. =). You haven't seen one of those in a while.)