June 2nd, 2006

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.


Why didn't anyone tell me I'm a horrible person?

Really, it'd be nice to have the truth.


So Jean asked if I would stay friends, good friends, with her. I've been a complete chicken and haven't. And I missed her birthday because not only am I a horrible person, but I have a horrible memory.

And I don't check myspace enough. But that's because I don't like it.

Ugh. I wish I could remember birthdays! Sometimes I remember them enough to put them on the calender. But do I remember to look at the calender? NO!

Oh, a secret? The reason I don't usually give out my birthday is because then I won't be hurt when people forget. 'Cause yeah, as the horrible person I am, I assume everyone else will forget because I do. My own birthday sneaks up on me.

More UGH! So now I'm sitting here, knowing all this and knowing how much I must be hurting her and knowing how much she must hate me (ohhowmuchshemust), and I'm still NOT CALLING.

... because I'm a wuss. And I don't have any courage andandand...

I can't believe I would do this to someone. I can't believe I COULD do this to someone. We were so close, in 8th grade! She was the ONLY one I told, with that deepest darkest secret... I've skimmed the subject with others, but I told it ALL to her.

And I let this happen.

I feel really, really horrible.

(Yes, I know that I'm not actually a horrible person and all that, but I still know that I've been handling this horribly and that what I've been doing is vile.)

I really should call her. I know I should. I'm just wondering if words will come out when I open my mouth.

(Because words don't always work--even for me.)

So when will I?

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