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Kiwi Crocus
27 March 2006 @ 09:54 pm
It did, for a while. Apparently not.

I skipped over my Hers homework. Granted, I do that a lot. I have since the second week of freshman class with Steele. I planned to do it tomorrow on the bus, as it is just reading.

I was reading a Minerva McGonagall/Xiomara Hooch fanfic that was quite lengthy... and after a very intimate part (do not read as sexual) I started crying. That seemed mildly normal to me; it was a touching part.

Then my breathing escalated and I was hyperventalating. I clutched my new cane, which I've been stroking all night long, closer. Soon I was almost silently crying out in agony. 'Over what?' I thought over the nigh inaudible sounds of my choked sobs. I couldn't find an answer.

I did find a solution, and IMed Quack. She helped calm me down with an exercise including Ferry Beach. Thank you.

This morning I asked Mrs. Stelle the symptoms of depression. She's now convinced I'm depressed. I'm actually quite sure I've slipped into a bit of a depression, myself.

I'll talk to Mum about talking to a therapist, and see if we can set it up. It was Kat's suggestion. Thank you for that.

So yes, I had a full-out anxiety attack, and I haven't had one of those for a long while. I feel better after it, though.

I also realised... I've wanted some touch. My friends, as faithful as ever, have abided to what they believe to be true about me: I don't want hugs or touching. It's slipped, with most of the people I know. When they see me cry, they back up and try to comfort me from there. The me that loved that such a short while ago would have, as I said, loved that.

... I've been wanting a bit more, but I didn't ask. I could have asked. They would have done it, even more easily than staying away. After all, it is their natural strategy of comfort. They only picked up something else because I had told them it comforted me more.

I'm going to talk with Makuchan and Kleppy about this. They'll understand. I'll branch out from there.

Tomorrow's MCAS. Long composition. As Quack reminded me, it should be easy for me. Even enjoyable. I can do it.

I better get a good night's sleep, though.

Goodnight.
 
 
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