March 8th, 2006

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.


I, just a moment ago, before going to livejournal, decided I'm going to go to guidance tomorrow with my friend and set up an appointment. Because though I've talked to her a few times about some of the problems we're having, none of the talks have been the causes of these problems and even if we've touched on them lightly, we haven't yet completely shared ourself. I'm done with that. Tomorrow, or the day after if it need be, I am going to talk to her. Really talk to her. Not just this talking to be right, or listening to her only to the point of finding where I can make her wrong.

I'm going to talk to her, share myself with her. Tell her what's up and what I'm up to, because she deserves to know. She's my friend not some object I'm close to that I can beat up on when I feel hurt and then act out of anger. She's a human being that likes being cared for, receiving copliments and not complaints, being loved and not hated. So it's about time I stopped being some big block of cement that must never break under pressure ( even the largest amount of cement is eventually split up by roots).

She's felt the wrath of Kiwi for a long time, as I've claimed that I "don't know how to fix it". That's because I don't need to "fix" it. I need to create something new, a mindset where we can be close the way we were before I decided I needed to blame her and complain about her. New possibilities. So yes, tomorrow I talk to her.

That was my comment in reply to Snoopy's comment. I started typing and it just... came out.

Today I was so busy looking through these "anti-Kleppy" glasses that I forgot, or buried, that she's a wonderful, amazing person that I love dearly and want to be friends with. I've seen her as something I can't stand. Maybe a reflextion of myself. So convinced was I that I was right and she was a horrible person that I managed to overlook the fact that she's a superb friend with feelings; ones that have been hurt by my actions.

I had a long talk with Fae. Through her side of the conversation as well as mine, I was able to pinpoint how blind I've been. All these assumptions and perceptions and views and stories and how much I've "suffered". Oh, such a tale of woe. It's about time I saw through it.

Tomorrow I will make this work. I will not let myself stop talking before I reach the foundation. I will be unreasonable with the guidance office, until they let me have my talk with Kleppy in the sort of environment I'm looking for. I will not go unheard.

This entry might have different meaning to those that have finished The Forum and (or not) the Advanced Course. The paragraph above uses quite a bit of Landmark-lingo. "Making this work" is not to be taken as I my smashing myself against a wall until it crumbles. It is saying I will take whatever loopholes needed, talk to whoever I need to, and do whatever must be done to get this to work. "Being unreasonable" is not going in with an attitude and forcing the guidance workers with a knife to their throat. It's not taking "no" for a permanent answer. It's working beyond it and, again, making things work.

I feel as though quite a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and tomorrow the feeling will increase.

Thank you, Fae. Thank you, Makuchan.

Thank you, Kleppy.

I might stop calling her that. I started calling her that in anger out of an act I saw as "bad". I'll ask her what she wants to be called.

Edit: Haha. I've now got Charlene and Roger (The LandmarkEducation Forum leader and the LandmarkEducation Advanced Course leader) asking me in my head why I'm waiting. "Why aren't you on the phone right now talking to her? Why wait until tomorrow? Why wait?" and then "When are you going to talk to her?" I almost feel like shouting, "At the next break!" but I'm the only one in the room. I'm sure my dresser doesn't care if I'm calling someone over the next non-existent break. It amuses me when Charlene and Roger are in my head. 'Course, they're always right, but... I don't always listen to them. They're just another voice. I choose to wait for tomorrow to talk to Lindsay/Kleppy because I choose to wait for tomorrow to talk to Lindsay/Kleppy. (Chocolate or vanilla?) Mmm. More Forum stuff. So maybe I'll be a bad girl just this one time, and wait for tomorrow even though it would probably be better to just call right now.

Or will I? Gosh, Charlene and Roger, you're just as convincing as ever.

Hmm...I only have one person on my flist that's done the Forum. I don't even know if she reads my entries, heh heh. I wonder how many people don't understand what I just said?
  • Current Music
    Take Me Under || Three Days Grace.
Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

All set for now.

So I didn't exactly call her. I did see her online, and sent her the link to my journal. I had her read what I had written, and tell me what she thought of the idea. She's all for it. She's also all for having Makuchan come to one, as well, so that all three of us can talk.

I feel so much better.

Those seconds before she replied killed me. Not really. I enjoyed them, in some "sick" way.

But after she replied, complete ecstasy. Seriously. Overcoming fears is a thrilling feeling. I don't need to go out and jump out of a plane to get the feeling, either. It's really easy to get it in "regular" life. And I don't need to go and get in huge fights with friends.

I don't know. I guess I call it courage. Then I feel like I'm being an arrogant prick. But... I guess I am courageous. I don't try to be it specifically, but I try to live a life I love. I guess courage comes with that, though it starts in me.

Now I'm not really getting anywhere.

I was in a really awesome chat.

-Is Angelina Jolie.-
I made a boobcake wallpaper. Haha.

... ATfEH = A Thorn for Every Heart.
  • Current Music
    A Night to Remember a Morning to Forget || ... ATfEH.