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Kiwi Crocus
03 March 2006 @ 08:43 pm
I just talked on the phone with Makuchan for 3 and a half hours. Most of the time it was pretty deep, and I did cry around three times while on the phone with her.

She's now aware of the trouble's Kleppy and I are having with eachother. She hadn't known before; no surprise, considering that Kleppy and I were attempting to hide it. Hopefully it'll be one step closer to things working out.

We kept reffering to the problem as similar to divorce, with Kleppy and I divorcing and Makuchan the child. It was slightly humurous in that bitter humor sort of way.

We ended it with the sillies, as is best for us. She's probably just starting to write right now. I have to do thank you cards before I can do anything else. I'll most likely draw and then write.

I don't feel like such a horrible person anymore.

The moral of the hidden-drama story that I've left out of this journal is, "Don't get a crush on Kiwi."

It hurts me a lot, too. I can't count the number of times I cry myself to sleep from the fact that I can't return feelings. It's been happening a lot.

Maybe I should just become mean and unattractive. That'll solve all of my problems. ... 'course, it'll bring on a whole set of new ones. Ugh.

Maybe I'm safest just becoming a priestess.

I keep thinking about all the girls I've liked in the past, and how I always seem to like the ones I know I'll never have. As if it's to keep anything from happening. I guess that makes a lot of sense. I really don't feel ready at all. I do feel a lot of pressure towards it, though, and it pains me. Because I know I'm hurting a lot of other people, and I don't mean to at all. So it hurts me too.

I wish I could do the whole highschool love thing. Or any love thing. But right now I'm just so not feeling it. I like to write about it, fantasize about it, yes. But it's not what I want right now--it's what I want to look forward to for the future. When I'm more mature and either out of school or further along in it. Not when I'm freshly sixteen and a sophmore.

So yes, I hurt a lot when people have crushes on me. I wish I couldn't feel them. Usually I guess before anyone even tells me, too. I don't like that. Just... no one should like me.

I'd love to put "Why would anyone, anyway?" but as much as I'd like to save myself from sounding arrogant of self-assured, I can understand it. If I were someone else (and not a clone of me) with circumstances that offered a crush on a girl, I could understand falling for me. I'm still not very comfortable saying that.

People should just stop liking me.

(No, this isn't me feeling horrible. This is me contemplating things after a lovely conversation with a friend. Yes, you already knew I was odd. Or at least I hope you did before reading my journal.)
 
 
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