February 11th, 2006

Rainbow || Rainbow northern lights.

(no subject)


Mrs. Brown is great. I look forward to her class daily, regardless of whether I understand the math or not. Her teaching style works for me, but mostly I like her. She let us tell our Dufault stories during class, and laughed along with us. She gave Josh strange looks with me when he talked about puting Big Red wrappers on his forehead. She cares if I'm okay, and laughs with me when I'm not. I really like Mrs. Brown.

I was an idiot during plant science classes. I missed Horti yesterday, and Brodeur said today that the project was due at the end of the double. So I boogied, but... didn't make it. So even with Squirell's help I still worked past the bell. I ran to envitech to ask Lee if I could finish my project for a minute. He seemed miffed and said no, telling me I had to come to class. I told him I had to grab my stuff and ran back to Horti to grab my stuff, the project, and the cover page in the printer.

I was late to envitech. I didn't have my horti project done by the time it was supposed to be done. My hip sucks. I was/am having trouble with friends. I started crying when we went out to the fields to get soil samples in the freezing cold. I was with Elaine, and she was so surprised when I told her about being late and not having the problem done. "Kiwi, you're slacking! That's so not like you!" and other things. She then saw me crying and was even more taken aback. "Kiwi, you're crying!" Then she helped me feel a bit better since I could talk to her more about it, and we laughed about my tears freezing on my cheeks. My laughter was bitter, but still.

Lee still likes me, and thought my paper was good. I apologized for being late, and told him I had been an idiot about the whole thing. He said it was fine and that I shouldn't worry. Mertz let me get tape from Nelson's room. The forestry class, Kleppy included, went out to move big-ish trees. I can't do that, so Kleppy and I went to the bathroom. Then I got us to go in and visit with Watson. That was amazing, too.

I talked to her very freely about what's going on. One of the things she said, ("It sounds like your family has a lot of decitions to make.") hit home. I hope to be as great with words and picking what to say as she is someday. She shooed us out to finish grading the freshmen papers and I went happily.

I finished the project when the class came back in. Tracked Brodeur down to the flori lab. She helped me get a stapler, and let me pass it into her there. She still likes me. I felt so relieved when I left the plant building it wasn't even funny. Not because I feel uncomfortable there (it's the opposite) but because I had cleaned up the problems. Green day is my favorite day. (I saw Cat a lot. Still tried to be all show-offy and impressive, as well as dramatic. I hate when I get like that. Especially when I do it with her.)

I spent a while after school at Grammie's. She let me play with the soiless mix from what had been one of her basil plants. It felt so good to feel the material under my fingers. And the smell, goodness. It's my favorite smell in the world.

Katie came by for a surprise visit. Called Hitomi about maybe getting a job at her parents' shop at some point. She's going to tell me when there's one available.

Had fun with Katie. Lots of laughing. Near the end I made the mistake of looking up hip fusion. Meltdown. She left before it got bad; we were both very tired. When she left I started feeling sick and numb. I IMed Ally and Elena, and they helped me enough to let it out. It felt better to be sobbing. After that multiple people, including them, helped me feel a bit better.

Kat told me she's booked a cheap hotel. I want this to work out so badly.

Mid-breakdown, I started talking to Kleppy since she had come back from her shower. We finally talked about how our friendship hasn't been working. How she puts up the attitude when she gets defensive and how I get angry when I'm feeling hurt. How she, in her head, tries to make me out to be some horrible person but knows I'm not. How I do the same thing to her, and how angry it makes me in that I half want to be right but STILL know it isn't true. So we talked, REALLY talked, and things are going to transform. I love Kleppy.

I made a post in Blowing Off Steam on sheroes. I haven't done that in a long time. I feel better.

I want my soccer ball. Tomorrow, I look for it. If I can't find it, I buy a new one, even if I can never find it. It'll be my version of a teddy bear.


I'm so tired.
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