Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus
cranky__crocus

Complex

I have a piece of writing that I NEED to write. But when. That is the question. Gehhhhh.

Last night I had a semi-dream with Mrs. Cavanagh and Shaya, and then I had another weird semi-dream I couldn't remember. I got 2 1/2 hours of sleep because I COULD. NOT. SLEEP. The fact that my life is about to change completely is keeping me awake.

I woke up, got ready with the fam, realized I am no longer used to getting ready with the fam and was annoyed with them, and drove to BSC. We saw Pantaxi for a moment. Brittles, Bethaloupe, Makuchan and I went in to get drinks and we had much fun. Went upstairs and Pam was walking by as I was dancing. Professor Pam Hayes-Bohanan, who taught me Spanish. She was shocked to see me, asked me questions, and said I should stop by class. Because she was about to teach the class I had been in last year.

I said goodbye to Makuchan, who zoomed off. Brittles and I went to the science building. I stood in the doorway and waved. Pam ushered me in. She told the class I was there, in Spanish, and said I had taken the course last year. I asked if I could give her a goodbye hug before I left the country. She urged me to email her, and told the class I was going to school in England. She said something else about me that I didn't catch because Brittles had started talking.

We said goodbye and I drove home, listened to music in the car, and went to work. Drank coffee. Really good mood. Intern, turns out, does not dislike me, I charmed her with my sarcastic wit and good nature. Smiles. I put up with Aetna and loved BCBS RI. Got work done. Chatted with the girls before I left. Many inappropriate but lovely conversations.

Home, no Internet, opened up the computer room window and went out to read on the roof. Did that for a while. Dweeb told me he wanted food. Val IMed me and it went to my phone. We set up we would go out together. Val told me it was Mrs. Cavanagh who was her Spanish adviser (still, yay, Mrs. Cavanagh didn't stop! She loved doing that.). He told me she said, "Hi," to me but that she said it quietly. When I was on the screen. My heart warmed.

We met at the parking lot after Dweeb finished his homework. Drove us home for a little bit, then over to Outback. Val and I shared a salad and had kid meals. Dweeb had a blooming onion. We drove home. I gave Val the book, we read on the roof together. Then we went in and read in the playroom with the boys.

I then realized I had never given Lisa the number of Elizabeth from church, because I didn't have it. She needed a babysitter for tomorrow from 7.30-9.30. I IMed all the UU teens from my congregation. Steph thought she could, but after Lisa called discovered she couldn't. I told her I would work harder. Drove to Val's, started calling everyone. Even called Bill for directory numbers to people. Got cell phone numbers. I am astounded with the numbers of calls I made. Finally I got Emily, junior at the Aggie and member of the congregation, to do it. She's excited. I get to see her for an hour beforehand probably. Had a funny conversation with Rachel. When I called Lisa she said, "You really don't want to babysit my kids, do you?" (If I didn't find a babysitter, I had said I would do it as an emergency sitter since I'm TERRIFIED of children but they like me and I'm still a good babysitter.) I told her that wasn't it at all, really--that I loved her children, but when they were around, and not when the kids were my responsibility. It made my ovaries hurt. She laughed.

Then I hung with Val some more, wrote a note to Watsonii to go with the botany placemat I'm giving her from Laura, and found my way home.

Shaya meeting tomorrow after school. Will brush against another kindred at the time. My nerves in my brain, body and soul (? maybe?) are tingling. Wonder wonder wonder. Have to plan another outfit. Nervous. Excited. Sad.

I feel very self-conscious, with all the Sheroes drama, of the fact that I really do like everyone. I feel as though I should be ashamed of that. It scares and hurts me, even though I'm only putting the feelings on myself. I feel as though to be a real Shero I have to be more like EL and Elena, whom I admire but do not share many of the sturdier qualities with. I can stand on my own two feet. I am not blown over by the wind. I can stand up for myself when someone gives me a punch. But I receive few punches of which I know... I just like to disagree with more softness, make it known I do not agree, but that I do not hold judgment with that or hold it against someone--but that I also do not hold others judging against them. I may roll my eyes and raise a brow sometimes, but that's about it, really. It's all good fun for me, until people start getting hurt, like now. Because I don't consider my friends bullies. And I feel as though I SHOULD be considered a shero even as I am one of another hue, so it makes me sad that my feelings point me toward the conclusion that I am lesser. It makes me sad. I am also forever trying to convince myself it isn't true.

I also wonder, sometimes, if things are said about me. And I think I know what they would be. I could understand them being said. And I think, in the end, if things are being said, I'm glad they are--that others are getting the venting and bitching out. I stop thinking about it more then. But still, from time to time I wonder and get a little pinch.

It also confuses me when Sheroes swallows things like a hungry maladjusted monster. It all gets seen by someone, it all goes around, it's more likely to be butchered by separate points of view if others are soon not able to view it. It reminds me of Aggie drama. I wonder why people are so frequently so quick to shove things under the rug, as if we can't see the pile accumulating underneath it.

But today was nice. I'm going to go read and complete the only Fraser assignment I've ever had, reading the book she lent me.
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