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06 June 2008 @ 06:32 pm
Ari called me during work. I said I would call when I got out.

I called her an hour after work, at 6. We organized a plan for how I would get there for her mother's "I just kicked my lover out of the house for her third cheating escapade and I'm really sad" lesbian party. Because I don't know how to get to Andrew's house since I've only been there once and it was by bus, but Ari lives near BSC and I've been there quite a few times including to her house.

And I said I would call my parents and then call her back and I was sure it'd be fine because they're always fine with the stuff I do, especially now that I'm paying for my own gas.

But I called Da and he sounded really serious. And he told me I couldn't go anywhere because we need to have a conversation about my university funding. A family conversation. And he was really down and serious.

This is going to hurt like hell.

So not only can I not go for now (we'll see about after the "meeting"--they're playing tennis for hours first anyway, and I don't know what condition I'll be in when the conversation ends), I currently feel like crying. And I'm frightened.

And I know I'm going to be ripped to shreds. And I deserve it, but it's, again, going to hurt like hell. And now I'm already crying.

So I think I'll go cry lots and see if I can get out all the tears so I don't have any to cry during this "conversation."

Fuck. (Yes, I said the word.) I'm afraid.
phyrablaze: broodyphyrablaze on June 6th, 2008 10:42 pm (UTC)
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 6th, 2008 10:51 pm (UTC)
Yeah. It made me remember your entry.

We should cry some time together.
lash_laruelash_larue on June 6th, 2008 10:43 pm (UTC)
I will send all the positive thoughts and energy that I can find.

Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 6th, 2008 10:52 pm (UTC)
Thank you. There might be some picking up to do after this "meeting," but hopefully I won't be too bruised or broken.

And if I am I know just the right people to go for to help heal me up.
lash_laruelash_larue on June 6th, 2008 10:57 pm (UTC)
Hopefully it won't be in the fatal category. And I'll be around.

I really love you Kiwi, you're okay.

Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 6th, 2008 10:58 pm (UTC)
It's hard to get fatal on me. But it has happened before.

Thanks. Glad to know I'm OK. =D.
magellan.myowncliche on June 6th, 2008 10:45 pm (UTC)
Oh, honey, I don't know what to say. I only hope this isn't too awful.
I'm hugging you so much in my head right now.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 6th, 2008 10:53 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I think the hug his helping with my shivering/shaking.

I'm trying to apply for scholarships as quickly as I can right now but my school is ridiculous and didn't even have official GPAs for us because they screwed them up too badly.

I don't want to be screamed at or guilted. I am so afraid and saddened that it's crazy.
101mutts101mutts on June 6th, 2008 11:13 pm (UTC)
Masel Tov.

Sending positive energy.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 6th, 2008 11:14 pm (UTC)
Thank you.

I would love for my stomach to stop flipping all about. Apparently, like many other stomachs, it approves of practicing its acrobatics when its director (I consider myself its Director and not its Owner) is terribly upset.

Silly organs.
101mutts101mutts on June 6th, 2008 11:20 pm (UTC)
Maybe if its Director meditated it into stillness it might listen?

Comment below is mine, also, silly computer didn't remember my identity.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 6th, 2008 11:21 pm (UTC)
Director is scrambling to apply to scholarships and has thus far finished one, since it took a while to write an appropriate essay.

I thought the comment was probably yours. Smile. I just wanted to make sure. Thanks!
101mutts101mutts on June 6th, 2008 11:35 pm (UTC)
I have a hard time believing Director is applying for scholarships while she is replying so quickly to comments. And I also have a hard time believing I am studying for Biology SATs. I trust we will return to our appropriate foreboding tasks in time. May I inquire you can't ask for help from Mrs. Quinn or Mr. Huff? Out of school, it being Friday? As, always I am willing to pass on messages, and I see them both frequently.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 6th, 2008 11:38 pm (UTC)
I am now looking up scholarships on a website before I apply to more through FastWeb or whatever that program is. I can reply to comments so quickly because a message is sent right to my email, and I always keep that up, so I'm immediately told (when both the website and my email are working correctly) when someone has replied. That fact with my speedy typing make quick work of my replies.

Good luck studying for Bio SATs. Glad I didn't have to take those.

I can get help from Mrs. Quinn and Mr. Huff when school is back on. It being almost 7:40 on a Friday, that unfortunately isn't an option right now. Ah well. Thanks for the offer!
(Anonymous) on June 6th, 2008 11:16 pm (UTC)
Oh, and the positive of (y)our school, though, is that there are plenty of people who would bend over backward to help you with scholarships (probably not the same people who messed up the GPAs) if you need it.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 6th, 2008 11:18 pm (UTC)
Very true. And if I weren't such an idiot to not apply for scholarships until it's far too late, that would be very true. I can probably get help getting my true GPA as well--from Mrs. Quinn or Mr. Huff--but I can't presently do that. =/.

May I inquire as to who commented?
lash_laruelash_larue on June 6th, 2008 11:35 pm (UTC)
I envy you being your stomach's Director. I am my stomach's bitch.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 6th, 2008 11:39 pm (UTC)
As any good Director, I take enthusiastic suggestions--my stomach has a mighty fine "growl" for when she isn't pleased with her treatment, which is frequently neglect.
Kentthe__empress on June 7th, 2008 12:33 am (UTC)
Good luck <3.

I'm sure this isn't going to make you feel any better, but I think I should have told you this yesterday - during your graduation your mom was upset because you hadn't applied for the scholarships that your school gives. I'm sorry if that upsets you more, but I have a feeling she's going to go off on you about that, and at least you'll be prepared =/.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 7th, 2008 01:43 am (UTC)
No, I completely knew that. That was why I was ready to be ripped apart. I totally expected (and deserved) it.

Don't worry about not having told me yesterday. It was one of those "I should tell Kiwi--but wait she knows" sorts of things.
Kentthe__empress on June 7th, 2008 01:51 am (UTC)
Ah, ok. Did you already have the meeting?
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 7th, 2008 01:51 am (UTC)
Yup. Now I'm on the phone with Ari and about to eat chips and salsa.
Kentthe__empress on June 7th, 2008 01:56 am (UTC)
How did it go? Did they just basically tell you to apply for scholarships?

Oooo Ari :P.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 7th, 2008 02:00 am (UTC)
It went pretty horribly for the first long while but then it got better. It's a really scary time for all of us. I don't think we're the only one in this situation, though, even as I am going across the country. I think pretty much anyone at our financial level sending kids off to a prestigious school when they have another child up to college-bat in two years is going through this.

Yuck on the economy.

We're trying to make lists on stuff we should do.

How sick are you now?

My throat hurts but I think it's just from the crying.

'cause if you felt well enough/not dead enough you could bunk here if you wanted to and help me sort of get ready for the party, and Laura and Mary Fran have parties tomorrow. What graduation parties are you going to?
Kentthe__empress on June 7th, 2008 02:16 am (UTC)
My throat and head still hurt, but not as much because I took Advil. I think I'm going to bed soon though...I can't be sick tomorrow, I have to work. Not until 6 or 7 though. The only party I'm definitely going to is yours, I wasn't invited to any others...well, Jean invited me to hers but it's on the same day as yours.
baelee on June 8th, 2008 03:17 pm (UTC)
Try to think of it as FUNding.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 16th, 2008 09:09 pm (UTC)
You are silly.
nora rosekashmirdreamer on June 8th, 2008 10:24 pm (UTC)
i feel your pain. college costs too much. and i totally forgot your party was today and i'm really kinda sad now. :(
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 16th, 2008 09:10 pm (UTC)
college does cost way too much.

Don't worry about the party. I'm sure you would have fun, but knowing that you cared is just as excellent!