Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus

  • Music:

Not Happy


I'm mad depressed. And though I say that in a joking, kiddish sort of way, I'm not.

The past two days I just can't raise my spirits at all, and when I think about the rest of the summer I just die a little bit on the inside. All I can focus on is the bad.

Like working 5 hours a day in that ticking, stagnant pool of insurance information with bickering lesbians, a woman way older than me who still lives with her mother and speaks as though she were four years younger than me, a girl whom I'm not sure likes or dislikes me, random people in and out, and dogs that jump up and scratch my face. (Out of all of those, I would gladly take the dogs. I love them best.)

I miss people. My heart is so lonely. Not for school, really, at all. That pretty much shocks me. My job makes me lonely and I've only had it two days.

I'm going to change my hours next week to maybe 9a.m.-2p.m. and see if that makes me feel any better.

At least I have Maine trips and Sandbridge to look forward to. I think I'm going to check the greenhouse up by Wampum corner to see if they're hiring or want any volunteer help.

Speaking of volunteer, I need to get that NHS hours thing worked out. But since I was so lonely today and hung out with Toast after work, I didn't do that. Geh.

Things to Look Forward to This Summer:

- Snoopy's Prom (Friday).
- Snoopy's Graduation (Sunday).
- My Graduation (Wednesday).
- Maine trip.
- Sandbridge trip.
- Northampton some time?
- P Town trip some time.
- Sleeping in a tent in my back yard.
- Art and painting.
- Cleaning through all of my crap.
- Exercising?
- Swimming.

I can't think of more at the moment. Need to figure out what the best way to organize my hours is. See if I can find a job that doesn't make me a depressed blob, just a slightly aggravated person or something, without letting Lisa down times ten.

Some time I will have a long-arse post about the last day of Senior year, the prom, and New York. With pictures.

Just not now. Going to play some soft music, throw everything in a pile (my room gets messed up again when I'm depressed), and read. Cry when I need to.

Maybe I should start meditating again. Ah. All these things that keep me a centered, balanced person and I keep forgetting them?

Damn you, medical billing. Damn you, insurance companies and your unwillingness to do anything.

Damn you, fact that I have many times needed both for the continuation of my "normal" life.
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