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11 December 2005 @ 10:03 pm
I am not all right. Not all right at all.  
I'll just put up a few emails, and then explain.

hee hee

I must say speaking for myself that boredom is a form of depression and needing outside distractions...just like being alone is totally different from being lonely...I LOVE being alone, not so crazy about being lonely. :-)

I wanted to touch base about my visit back east. I expect that by this point you have figured out that there has been a rift between Gerri and Cathy and I. Much sadness etc. all around, but resolution doesn't seem to be coming anytime soon. I'm sure you can understand that I'm not comfortable going into any details with you about what happened without Gerri's approval/participation. That would not be good for any of us.

Which brings me to the point that it looks like this visit will be too hard to coordinate logistics (and emotions...), getting you out to Northampton. I was hoping it would work out-and I'm sure it will down the road. When do you get your driver's license??? :-)

I'm very sorry to have you be in the middle of this ??? I don't even know what to call it...and I do hope that the future will bring some healing for all of us. I'm sooo glad that you and I have been able to stay in touch so regularly, it helps make up for the lack of visits-for sure!

I guess this is your opportunity to see adults muddle through the stickiness of life as best we can...in all our glorious wonder, and our glorious muck-----sometimes it's just not that easy to be okay with someone you really love---and there's nothing you can do about it, no matter how much you want to-deep pain and deep love are so tightly connected.

Next visit we'll figure something out for sure!! No excuses!!

love joan

That was the first one that really got to me. I mean, these two women (Cathy and Joan) are like aunts to me. Aunts I actually LIKE. I come to find that they'll be both around TOGETHER, and I'm invited to visit. ...but then, of course, it falls through. It'd be too emotionally difficult on the three of them, Mum included. Even though they aren't talking to Mum. That puts a wall between me and CathyJoan. That hurts, and hurts a lot.

My reply told her of the pain, and I replied with my normal wit. It was authentic, though. I wasn't hiding anything behind the wit. When I replied, I was there. I got this back, just now.

As usual, you respond to life's challenges with insight, humor, and a lot of hutzpah....

I'm very sorry that this has affected you-of course all of us don't want that at all.

Life is continually full of suprises, and certainties can turn on a dime. Both in to the positive and of course to the tragic. My goal is always to ride with it, watch it--be honest, and TRY to be as mature, and positive as I can...but if life were easy---what would we talk about? react to? and push up against? I've certainly grown in unexpected ways since the fallout with Gerri-although some growth you can live without :-)

And of course you can call me anytime. My number is (303) 494-3388. We will plan better for next visit for sure...Maybe even this summer. Cathy and Laura are looking to adopt a baby this year-which might mean a wedding-which means I'll be back for that. But I don't know...and my friend Julia and I are planning an east coast tour the summer after next. Starting in DC and working our way up to New England.....

We took our first photos yesterday outside (thus the flu I'm currently succumbing too)..we got a great gig for March that requires photo and press kit for their website by tuesday. We've been postponing the whole demo photo deal for months, but now we HAVE to do it. Actually kind of exciting. People who see us are really liking us-and referring us to other folks. For the first time since we started, I'm really starting to think we are going to get really good-not just pretty damn good :-)

I'll send you the photos once we choose....

How's your hip by the way??? Pain factor? surgery???


I don't have it in my to reply right now. I was just bawling my eyes out. For once, the tears actually came OUT. As in, I CRIED. I haven't actually cried in a long time, and I know I'll have more of it to do tonight. My emotions are currently in a state of shock.

A wedding. That is quite a possibility with Cathy and her love Laura, especially if they are planning to adopt. I already knew of that, but Joan didn't know that I knew. If there were to be a wedding, who wouldn't be invited? Mum. Cathy and Laura would probably think about inviting me... What if there was too much pain? I don't even care about that, or if I'd be invited. The thing that is most painful is that after YEARS of Cathy and Mum being the best of friends, something like this could happen. Has happened. It's lasted more than a year, that I know. I mean, a rift big enough to keep Mum and Cathy from talking at all?

I don't think they know how much this fucking hurts me. Or maybe they do, but they don't have it in them to forgive eachother. Cathy wanted to come to my forum graduation. I wanted her to come, even though I knew it would hurt Mum. I love Cathy. She's been a figure I looked up to growing up since before I can remember, and this fucking HURTS! My chest is in physical fucking pain. Enough to cuss and cry. It's ironic that it all resurfaced during the weekend of my forum. The forum often talks about creating breakthroughs. Hell, that's what it's ABOUT. A large amount of it is based on forgiveness and loving until it hurts. Well this hurts, too. Because they won't forgive, and they won't love. They aren't letting it get through. The love they aren't giving is building a wall between them.

I miss Cathy and Joan. So much. I love them, and I have since I was a baby. I hate this. I fucking can't stand it, yet there's nothing I can do! Mum knows I wish with all of my heart for the three of them to make up. Well, really, for Cathy to make up with Mum and for Joan to make up with Mum. I think Mum wants that, too. No, I know it. But it isn't happening, and it's hurting me as much as it's hurting those three.

This is all making me shake. My jaw and lips are trembling. I feel weak, exhausted. But not physically. No, not physically. Emotionally, spiritually. My love hurts.

I need hugs. I just wish I had someone to hug in real life. -Sigh.- This is going to be a long night.
Current Mood: depressedDevastated.
Current Music: None.
Kentthe__empress on December 12th, 2005 04:21 am (UTC)
Aww Kiwi, I'm so sorry that you're being hurt like this. Although I don't really understand what you're going through, I understand the feeling. The emotional exhaustion. I wish I could give you a real life hug. Sadly, all we have is LJ *hugs.*
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on December 12th, 2005 11:59 am (UTC)
Thank you. -Hugs back.- It really means a lot.

Emotional exhaustion really bites. It makes me want to come home and crash.
==Vicky== ==Viki==kimburu on December 12th, 2005 06:45 am (UTC)
I don't know what happened between the three of them and it's none of my business to ask (but I am curious)

I want to chip in to how you feel, not that I've been in your situation, just that reading it scares me because when you came over to see me nothing seemed wrong at all and for things to break so suddenly in a strong friendship like that is... just really scary. I mean, I don't know the details, I don't know if something happened to lead up, like cracks in the ice..

Anyways, if there's anything I can do to help... let me pitch in a hand.

And if it helps to think, you'll be graduating in 3 years and then you can do whatever you want so if you want to see someone you don't need permission to do that. And your mom should not hold that against you if that's what you choose to do.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on December 12th, 2005 12:02 pm (UTC)
Well, see, there's the "problem". I don't know, either. I just really don't want to know. I have been told that one of the women did something that had to do with Mum without her permission, but I've really never asked. I don't think it's really my buisness, either.

Haha. You've actually MET Cathy. Haven't you? I mean, we slept over at her house. I just don't remember if we actually saw her. I think we did...

Thank you for the offer. =D.

See, I think Mum would let me go if I wanted to. She was prepared to on numerous occations. Cathy has invited me to two concerts and then a visit when Joan visited. Unfotunately, none of them have worked out. Mum said yes to all of them, even though it hurt her. She's empathetic to my feelings, at least.
Lauradorktape on December 13th, 2005 03:10 am (UTC)
:( i'm sorry that life can be crappy like that sometimes

usually time heals all wounds.. emotional and physical.

haha i dont know what i'm talking about.. but basically, i hope everything eventually works out well between you, your mom, and Cathy/Joan
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on December 14th, 2005 02:14 am (UTC)
Hahaha. Thanks. =D.

I suppose time does heal...but time with friends is an excellent bandaid! -Nods.-