I drove to school and went to room 8. Mrs. Quinn was late and mentioned that Mrs. Cavanagh wasn't there even though she was there yesterday.
My heart flooded with worry.
Spanish was dumb and I read my book through it. Did the class evaluation or whatever.
Bio II we finished our notes and watched a movie on olfactory senses.
Pre-Calc we spent the time trying to figure out why the other class' way of solving combinations had stopped working. It was pointless. I read and helped out here and there.
Lunch I printed out SparkNotes and had a conversation with Betty. She asked me how I was doing with the sleep. I told her I was trying, and that I kept napping after school. She said that was good--I should continue that with reading and resting, too. She said I work so hard and I'm always a do-gooder and I'm so hard on myself. I guess. The lunch lady who served me joked with me and said we seniors had sophisticated tastes, unlike the picky freshmen. I ate alone, read, and hurried out when the bell rang.
Am. lit. we discussed and I took notes. Danielle and Tyler and Jimbob were at each other the way Danielle and Abbi had been in Pre-Calc. Mrs. Quinn had made a spectacle of it. She now understands why people say, "You need to just relax!"--because it annoys most people when they're already miffed. She suggested we try it on her when she's angry. Hah.
Double study I got an email from Carolyn asking about the book that she loaned me and Arah. And I remembered that I couldn't find it. I replied with a very sorry email about how I had dropped out of playing and on top of that lost a book she loaned. I felt horrible.
And I'm Leader of all these groups I'm in and I wonder how I got here. I'm someone who completely supports equality groups in which everyone is just working together and helping out. People keep running to me and all I have to offer is past experiences. I feel so useless. I'm trying, I just... sigh. This is killing me (and now I'm Holden Caufield, great).
Shaya and Renae and Emilie were around, the latter two being very loud and kicking each other and all that raucous. I was fine. I looked at pictures of Rachel Carson to make myself feel better.
I told Mrs. Brown in the elevator on the way up that I had picked Reading University. She was pleased I had made a choice. On the way down I was wilting and she looked at me going, "What's up?" I replied, "It's Wednesday." She said a few times, "Oh thank God" and I was confused. God tends to do that to me. God = confusion.
I realized on the way out that being active and a leader in the GSA was so hard because I want to get out of school so much. I don't really feel anything holding me back there anymore. Friends are great, yeah totally, but I don't feel a great pull anymore. I'm not really learning. No one wants to be there, there is very little learning going on, and there's nothing to do. I'm deeply miserable.
Garden we had a sub and I went into the first greenhouse in the natural resource section and sang. Came out and chatted with Tom and Bonnie. It was actually almost friendly and it shocked me.
Interioscapes we had Mrs. Shipley as a sub and I was a sarcastic snark-machine and that was about it. I did a little bit of HP writing. Just random stuff using the 'word of the day' from dictionary.com.
Practically ran out of the building, grabbed my Spanish book, and drove home with the windows down.
Mum and I looked at Reading housing. I am going to be so broke for years to come.
It's alright, though. My idea of "success" is either living in a really cheap and shabby apartment with bad furniture or with roommates or living in a sort of Community House with lots of other people, like the hippie-way. I'm not looking for anything Grand.
I read some Crybaby Butch and studied for my bio quiz on diagrams, which is the only thing I have tomorrow.
My brother is getting a 71 in English. I wish Mum would stop comparing him to me. I'm sure it doesn't help him to be compared with the girl who always gets like 100s in English and writes perfectly fine. He brags about his "perfect memory" but he can't remember stuff for quizzes. Then again, it's Catcher. My entire class hated that book when we had it with Hoeg. I don't know how I did so well in that section.
I randomly remembered back to freshman biology and smiled to think that Mrs. Coop used to have us put all our tests and quizzes in folders marked with our names so we would have them when it came to study for term tests. It was so cute.
I took a two hour nap and woke up.
Came here and had loads of emails.
Carolyn forgives me. GSA dates are being discussed. Stay-after times are being discusses.
Senior youth cleaning activity under discussion.
Life tires me out. Tomorrow bio 6-10. Wonder if I'll get my research paper done.
I'm going to glance at a few scholarships--Mum's going to kill me in the face for not applying to any--and go to bed to do more reading.
I'm just so useless all the time!