Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus


I bought the swimming trunks.

I went to Merf's and saw the bunnies.

I came back and vegged.

Emailed back and forth with Shaya. She's so honest about her fears. The way I was with Mrs. Cav... Somehow I think this is a healing experience. Shaya comes to me the way I went to Mrs. Cav, and this time I'm doing all the things that I wished for Mrs. Cav to do but she never did. I love the woman and I know she tried. I know it's hard to be vulnerable and human, especially when one thinks it's inappropriate as a teacher. I understand that. I still think this is healing with Shaya, which is surprising--it's not something I ever shot for or hoped for or imagined. I do see many similarities between the two of us. She's a very mature young woman. In many ways I think I'm more similar to Shaya than Mrs. Cav, if only in her ability to open up with time. Even Mrs. Cav admits that in her 54 years she has not exactly learned to do that, and she got too far with me to even be entirely comfortable. Hmm.


I put on the trunks with my regular two-piece tankini thing and I LOVE it. Also picked up a sweatshirt that Grampa and Memere got for Dweeb that he doesn't like. Blue and soft and warm with a skateboarder on it or something. He told me I looked like a jock so I smiled.

My printer isn't working so I didn't get to print out my paper information and organize and outline it. I'm going to continue thinking about all of it. The more I think about it, the more structured and organized it becomes in my head. It makes the outlining and then writing a breeze. I'm pretty much excited.

Tomorrow we may or may not go to Northampton to pick up the Outback. I hope we can. I have to call Lisa at 10 regardless to say whether I can work for a while or not.

Wednesday I have Spanish at Bridgewater and I think I'll meet Shaya for a bit afterward. She's really excited.

Friday I have Spanish at Bridgewater again and I think I want to see if I can use the pool. Wonder if I can find a swimming cap. Apparently they're required.

I'd feel like Michiru. Giggle. I'd keep picturing Ami and Michiru. (Pardon the Sailor Moon references. We all know I'm a dork. No one's trying to hide it.)

I went out at around 10:15 because I saw the moon. I ran down the road and just stood there in the middle of the street babbling to the moon. I looked around and realized that I felt like part of America. I was berating myself inside for spending so much time watching anime and watching a movie instead of being productive, then I looked around and saw the flickering lights of TVs on in every house. I noticed just how close two of the littler roads of my street are. I felt very boxed and confined. When I started listening to the sounds around me, I felt freed and able to fly. I looked to the moon again and asked for further guidance with my choices and life's path.

People expect great things of me. They tell me as much. I know they tell a lot of other people I see, but it comes out of their lips almost as expected dribble, as if its required of them to say such things. I check their eyes and don't detect the warmth and expectation that would come with the words. When they turn to me and say the same things, their eyes are streaming out these expectations and hopes. They push out ahead of me as bricks to these many different pathways that I might choose.

But which one will I take? Or will I let my own ideas flow out of my eyes and head and dreams to create my own path?

I think that one. But I wonder where it will lead. (Regardless, I know that the moon will be shining above it.)
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