Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus
cranky__crocus

So I'm home on a sick/mental health day. I really need it.

I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start with Superbowl Sunday or whatever. I was hanging out with Snoopy and Toast (Amanda) since I had slept over Snoopy's. She had work and stuff, so I drove Toast back to Willis'. I was hanging out with her and Kyle looking at the awesome pictures he had on his computer. (I was also very proud that I didn't have to leave the room because he was smoking.)

So Willis' comes home with Ziggy and Jason, sees us, and says, "You two are staying" flat out. Near that time I started feeling sick from the smoke (I don't think my body handles it well at all) and went to get a drink of water. I guess I hadn't thought Willis was being serious because when I was getting the water I said, "Gods I don't want to go home for the Superbowl." She said good, because I was staying there. For once I was absolutely fine with someone being that assertive with my plans. I agreed.

I was playing around on her laptop and we were watching Jason play a very strange dancing video game. I said, "Guys, Snoopy will probably try to call when she gets off work, right?" and Toast went kinda wide-eyed and replied, "She doesn't try to call me because she's afraid Kyle will pick up." I thought that was a bit strange but I shrugged and made sure to put my cell phone in an open place where I would hear it ring and be able to pick it up quickly. I was slightly unnerved by the strange looks I was receiving.

When 8 o'clock came, I decided not to call because I was still receiving some not-so-nice looks when I mentioned it and I didn't think Snoopy liked the football game much (but I knew she would have come anyway). At the end I didn't because I thought it was like the Rawley situation. At one point they all went out when I guess Dan was there, and Toast said she had told Snoopy that it would be best to invite me anyway, and that Snoopy had said I wouldn't have come (I would). I don't know if she actually believed I wouldn't come, but I kind of looked at it the same way. I'm sorry Snoopy. I really hate when friends-of-friends don't like each other. It stinks all around.

I am not sure at all why the Willis family likes me so much. Or at least that's the feeling I got. I hope I'm right, since every time Kyle walked by me he would stroke my head and I thought it was really funny and cute. Anyway. Part of the reason I stayed was because I knew there would be drinking and drugs, and I decided that I really needed to figure out how to remain Human and Kiwi in a situation where there were substances, ESPECIALLY when I didn't plan to take part. I think I also stopped Toast from doing it a little, but it always comes down to our own decisions so whatever. It was nice to have some support I guess. So since tonight was so successful and I didn't get entirely weirded out and was able to just not do anything (blech on it all, blechblechblech), I'm not so afraid about the college scenes.

I drove that Nick kid (who kinda freaked me out a LITTLE, but all was good) and then Willis and Ziggy to Zig's place. My car stalled on the way there. (BTW, it's an automatic, really not supposed to do that.) But I guess Willis appreciated that I didn't completely freak out or anything. So then we got it up and running and even though I wasn't panicking or anything, I just tried to keep driving safely and stay away from the other cars. I knew there were a lot of drunk people on the road and it was dark. The whole scene was eerie and somewhat surreal, especially when just Toast and I were driving home.

I confronted her a little on her agreeable-ness and how it hurts/angers me MORE when someone softens or dilutes the truth and then I hear about it differently from someone else. And I know there's always the possibility of a misinterpretation on mine or someone else's part, but I guess I always got the feeling that it was happening. I tried to be nice about it. There are a lot of times where I'll say something and I'll feel the environment darken a little bit but all she does is do a little awkward laugh and squeak out a, "yeah..." after letting out a little air through her teeth. I always get the feeling that she has way more to say that she just isn't. Maybe it IS my imagination, but I just wanted to know. Sometimes I wish she would just call me on my shit because I think she's one of the only people I know who could notice when/what I'm doing AND be able to call me out on it in a nice way. And 'course sometimes I wish she would just grab my shoulders and shake me if that's what her head/heart/soul/whatever is requesting that she does.

So I dropped her off and she was really down about Annika (I was guessing that there was more that she wasn't telling me, but I found out about that at another point online anyway) and we parted ways. I went straight to bed when I got home.

Monday wasn't all that exciting. I went to work to tell them that I could start working Mondays again and not Thursdays because I have the course 6-10 on Thursdays, not Mondays. Laura called later and we had kind of a mixed-signal phone conversation, but I get that she was just trying to be nice and stuff. It's just another one of those situations where I wish people would just say flat-out what they want. "Yeah Kiwi, I don't really want to work Mondays, but if you absolutely cannot take them back, I'll keep them." Because she already knew I could take them back since they were my days before the class, which was no longer on that day at all. xP. I worked long and hard on my Raven transcription and interpretation and even woke up early in the morning to do more of it and my maths homework.

Tuesday morning I printed stuff out. Activity period was during Bio II when Mrs. Cooper had planned for us to go to the gym to exercise to get a handle on how our heart works during exercise and all that. Plant Guides wasn't on the list. I raised my hand and asked, "Plant Guides?" She gave me a look and inquired, "Do you really have to go to that? No, I know it's your choice..." She said the last sentence softly. I thought it was downright unfair, because she hadn't given the other people a hard time (for PROM COMMITTEE and things like that) when they are usually in class far less than me, don't do as well (I hate pulling that card), and could actually PARTICIPATE in the activity. I told Mrs. Cooper, "I can go there and just check in, then scurry back. I wouldn't have been able to participate very much anyway." I looked her in the eyes for a few seconds and she looked away first. "No, you're right." I went to plant guides, all was well (except that, y'know, it stinks this year) and I came back to watch the class running and walking and jogging around in circles. I couldn't participate. Mrs. Cooper and I chatted some.

Third period, I guess, no one did his or her homework well except for me. So we had to do four of the homework problems again in class and pass them in as well. I asked her why we had to do them again if we did them for homework and she told me I had been the only one to put effort into them and get them right. English we passed in the Raven, listened to Mr. Dufault's dramatic reading of it, and watched the Simpsons' take on it. Then double Plant Materials and Ms. Watson wasn't there (we knew she wouldn't be) but I was a Bad Girl and didn't feel like working, so I drew some and then spoke with Lindsay and Dana. Which is always weird because Lindsay still doesn't like me as a friend. But we all got along well. I want to throw a Rock Band party and I would LOVE to invite Lindsay, but I know that a) she doesn't like me as a friend (likes me as less), b) she would ignore me all night, probably and c) it would just cause problems. But at least things are working out a little bit better now.

I didn't work on my floral project in Interioscapes just because I didn't have it in me. I didn't have much of anything. The Landscape Lady gave me two weird looks when I was leaving the classroom and then I was paranoid about it. Mr. Lee took me out of Garden Design (thank gods, I'm so sick of Garden Magazines) and I got to see his presentation on his trip to the Mojave National Preserve. He's so proud of us that it's just completely hilarious and a little bit cute. It was a fun time.

On the way out the Landscape Lady (I always feel so bad for not knowing her name--I only know her first name, I guess it's Sheri) came up to me. I asked her how her job search went (she had been planning not to sub again when she found a real job) and she said that things were going well and she was expecting an affirmation the next day. She seemed really down. I understood that the 'weird looks' she had given before were her looks of sadness. She told me she would miss subbing for the kids like me. She checked out my spikey dog-like-collar from Providence Gay Pride and asked me where I had got it and such. I told her to keep in touch with news, since she had suggested she would. She sees Ms. Watson in the gym every morning.

I read in the hall for a while after school because I got addicted to the book. Mum asked me to drive Dweeb to his driver's ed. thing at 5. I drove home and hung around. Val called and told me my student had canceled. I called Laura and we talked about food and she invited me over for some time after 6 to eat and hang out. I started feeling more gross and went downstairs. Read HP5 to make myself feel good and ate little breadthings that were apparently our High Tea meal so Mum laughed when they came home.

We watched Torchwood for a while. Don't like it as much as Doctor Who. Haven't become very attached to the characters. Hoping it gets better. Came upstairs and decided I was too zoney to do my homework, especially since I wouldn't even be in academics today, and tried to go to sleep early. I started feeling really gross with a horrible headache. After an hour I went downstairs to get a drink and then came back upstairs. When I woke up in the morning I decided it wasn't in my best interest to go to school and I really needed a mental day. I slept until Laura called me and I apologized for not being in for Plant Guides, and then I slept again until almost 2.

I feel better now. It's going to be tough catching up, though. I have a field trip to New England Grows tomorrow and I'll want to be made up before Friday. Geh.

I also have been feeling very down about the whole Voting thing, so I'm going to rant here and it's going to probably involve a lot of swears and I guess I would suggest your not reading it, I just need to get it down.



I am fucking glad that I am 17 and not yet 18, but I'm ALREADY feeling pressured--yes PRESSURED, not ENDEARED or MOTIVATED--to vote. I know that's what a lot of you want. I hear things like, "Oh it's in your personality, Kiwi." Really. And how long have you Ruled the Realm of Kiwi, hmm? Who is in charge of my fucking personality and what I fucking do with it?

Not voting does not equal fucking "youth apathy." Politics is not my medium of change! I am NOT apathetic! I write letters, I push bills, I fund raise, I walk for change, I speak out for awareness, I will BE THERE FOR YOU when it comes to social action! Politics in the voting sense is not where my comfort lies. And I am NOT saying that's it's fucking permanent! Maybe in years, like many adults around me, I will "grow into" (I use that term lightly) politics. So many adults who are way into politics now tell me that they weren't into politics when they were teens, yet they STILL pressure me to vote! Do you FORGET what your thoughts and feelings were when you were my age, and merely remember that you didn't vote--as if there was nothing behind it? One doesn't decide not to vote for no reason, in some cases. In cases like mine. I have just as many feelings behind Not Voting as many have behind voting for their candidates.

And a few thought-oriented reasons are: 1) I am not 18 yet. 2) I am leaving the country before the year lets out, and I DO NOT want to be on any national list or anything of the sort. 3) Again, it is not my medium for change.

I do not have faith in politics. I tell anyone that right off. I also always say that if anyone comes around whom I am 100% sure I would WANT running the country, I will sign up and vote. That isn't the case right now. I will not settle for voting for lesser evils.

But beyond that, it is as wrong for people to pressure me into voting as it is for me to pressure someone not to vote. This is my business. Politics, to me, is a very personal matter. I really don't think people should go throwing themselves and their beliefs on politics onto other (non-consenting) people. If you're both in it for the spirit of Debate and Conversation, go for it! (Read as, if it's consensual, I'm all for it!) But I am not a consenting party! I. Am. Not. Interested. Leave me the FUCK alone!

I do not mock you or disrespect you or think less of you for voting in a system that I do not have faith behind. I will be happy to know that you are following your beliefs and being true to yourselves! If it is your desire to vote and you don't, THEN I will be disappointed! I LOVE seeing you all so passionately supporting something you believe in!

It is just NOT where I am. And isn't your democracy there to create liberation and stop oppression, when it comes down to it--beyond personal political beliefs? Isn't that what you rave about for America? Then why oppress me, a non-voter? Sure people think they're doing the opposite in trying to get me to vote--that they are trying to lift me up, not suppress me. But if it is not in my interest, and I am not consenting, that is NOT what is happening.

I remember hearing a quote from my father (who does not vote) once: "The aim of any authority is to make its existence unnecessary." I'm not sure why I put that up, but somehow hit seems related. There are many things in politics that I do not back or agree with, and that go against my heart. It is my choice to refrain from it.

This is why I never want to turn fucking 18. I dread it. The thought of it makes me CRY. And so much of it stems from this. I wish people would just leave me the fuck alone. I'm still the same person. You call me saying, "Damndamndamn Kiwi, I'm off to campaign for [insert political choice] and I will NEVER get these signs ready, can you help?" who will be the first one to come? I will drive my little rear over there and spend however long helping you until my hands are sticky with glue and smarting with paper cuts. I want to support people who are living in the name of their own beliefs, opinions, and heart's desires!

Please, PLEASE support me for doing the same.

I am not looking for debate at all. Please do not reply in the spirit of such things. I will not delete your comment (I do not believe in censoring anyone in that way), but it is doubtful whether I will reply and it will probably make me cry. I don't want to censor you. But sometimes, people can know when to censor themselves.




Sigh. I just want to globe-trot and save the trees and ecosystems. Maybe I really should become a hermit. I want to learn to be a part of Grandmother Earth, a true human in an interconnected and natural web. Why does humanity make me cry so much?
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