Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus
cranky__crocus

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Thoughts on a Bumpy Road.

School went very well. Even though I didn't study for my history quiz, I think I remembered it well enough to pass with flying colors. Steele adores my writing style, anyway--hopefully that'll scrape up a few points. We'll see. I've got a Newspaper Cover Project to do in her class. I need to find an important female figure from the Revolutionary War. This should be quite a bit of fun.

On the bus, at the same time that Cat was, I was thinking about how a specific CD seemed to change my life. Not seemed. It did. I just didn't seem to notice as much as I should have. I'm so happy with my life right now; where I am, what I am, who I am, who I know, and what I'm doing. It's all just... right for me.

It wouldn't have been, had it not been for the album "Dizzy Up the Girl." The first song on it, for instance: "Dizzy."

You're cynical and beautiful;
You always make a scene.
You're monochrome delirious,
You're nothing that you seem.
I'm drowning in your vanity,
Your laugh is a disease,
You know you're everything I need.


I was hurting at the time, and when I heard this song, it wasn't about some girl I had latched on to by the heart. When I mouthed and sang these lyrics, I was thinking about me. The person I wanted to be. Someone with a spine, someone I was proud to be. I wanted to be proud to walk up to someone and say, "Hi, I'm Kiwi." I wanted to feel like I was more than a unique name--I wanted to be me, and not be dragged by down by some normality I didn't believe in.

Everything you are
Falls from the sky like a star.
Everything you are,
Whatever ever you want.


This song, and all the other songs, helped me realize that I didn't want to go to some rundown highschool that pleased few interests of mine. That would mean letting go of friends, and at least loosening my grip on a few of thems. It meant having bravery, and having courage. At the time, I didn't think I had them. These songs, these lyrics helped me work them up over time.

I wanna kick at the machine
That made you piss away your dreams.
And tear at your defences
'Til there's nothing left but me.
You're angry when you're beautiful,
Your love is such a tease.
I'm drowning in your dizzy noise;
I wanna feel you scream.


I wanted to follow my dreams, and I wouldn't reach them by walking down the halls of King Philip. They would be followed at the Aggie. At the time, I just wanted to be a vet. I wanted to care for animals and not have Spanish rolling off of my tongue. I wanted my friends, but I knew I couldn't let that hold me back. Besides, I wanted new friends, as well. The idea of a clean slate excited me.

So I applied for the Aggie, and met Cat. I got myself over my shyness, and the hardest time I've ever had with her was that initial hello. Especially since I had to do it twice. The first time, she either ignored me or couldn't hear me. I wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't heard me; I didn't have much confidence in that hello. The second one was more forefull, more of a, "Yes, I AM Kiwi and I'm not going to be gulped by shyness. I will say hello to this girl, and I will get her to talk. Because she has cool pins on her purse." What other reasons did I need? She interested me, the other girls in the group didn't. But I did it. I said hello, and we ended up chatting for a while. That was the second hump I got over.

You know the lies they never told you,
And the love you never knew?
What's the things they never showed you
That swallowed the the light from the sun
Inside your room?


Then I hit hip trouble. Actually, I slid into it. One second I was the star of defense in my soccer game, and the next I was waking up from surgery with two screws in my hip. I remember all of it very clearly, actually, but that's what it feels like when I skim back over my memories without diving into any in particular. At school I thought I was depressed. Hell, maybe I was. But I managed to be myself from the confines of my wheelchair.

There, a blur! Oh, that was Kiwi flying down the hall in her wheelchair. She ran over your toe? Ah, a pity. She probably meant to.

I wasn't that mean to anyone, though. No, not at all. I managed to open up quite a bit more than I thought I had, now that I'm looking back on it. To Jean, to Snoopy, to Ali and Robin, to all of these people. In that opening up, I was able to let go. I still liked them a lot, but I was able to loosen my grip on them and in that grasp my future ever tighter. I mean, I was on the way to becoming a farmer! Well, vet, anyway.

Three months later I was faced with another surgery. I didn't meet Evan when I as down there, but Mum and Da took me on a whale-watching tour at one point. I was feeling might down at that point. What kept my spirits from plummeting to the point of no return? Why, Dizzy Up the Girl! There I sat in the boat, uninterested in whales. It was my fourth one in two summers. I had never been all that interested in whales in the first place. So I sat there with my modern-looking portable CD player, a sketch pad on the table in front of me, a pencil in my hand, and headphones locked firmly onto my ears. The music coming from them was the song, "Hate This Place." Somehow, it comforted me, even if in a strange place.

The picture I drew was of me pushing a dream-bubble away. Now that I look back on it, it wasn't only that I was saying, "All right. I've accomplished this dream. I'm going to the Aggie to become a vet." it was also, "These aren't dreams anymore. This is my future." Somehow, that thought kept me from drowning all the passengers of the boat in tears.

Even now, I listen to the lyrics of these songs I've belted out so many times and smile. They hold memories, and old conversations I've had. I can think back to those annoying walks down the stairs at KPN, but then being rewarded with a great class from Mrs. Osborne. I can also wince and then grin at the memory of then having to stomp BACK up the stairs to suffer through a horrible algebra class alongside Snoopy. Oh, we learned so much stuff. ...about Chad Michael Murray, from Cherry (it's interesting that I can remember giving her the nickname from the earings she was wearings, but not her actual name.)

I got through my summer with the help of Brad and the Goo Goo Dolls. There was barely a moment where my thumb wasn't diligently typing a text message to Brad or my headphones blaring the music I had come to love as a mentor of sorts.

Then came the Aggie. I now had Counting Crows to add to my list of heart-felt music, though not so much as the Goo Goo Dolls. I picked up a whole nother realm from Tamora Pierce. Da had picked them up during my first surgery, as he had known how much I loved Tammy's writing. I hadn't read any of them, as I feared dipping my toes into a new realm by my favorite author. I wanted to stick with my Kel, Alanna, and Daine. Personally, I think the books were just waiting until I was ready.

Well, at last I was ready. I up the first and second, as I have them in two in each book. I read the back of Sandry & Tris's books, and wished to read them. And so the journey began. It was still the beginning of the year, and I was near friendless. I had Cat and Lisachan, who I had met at Cat's party and had but one sleep over with. Other than that, I was enjoying the distance I kept from my peers at school.

I read and read, and eventually made friends. Linschan, Makuchan, and the rest of the geometry gang. We shared interests, and got along quite well. My reading continued. I latched onto Rosethorn fast enough, and was even more thrilled the second I realized that she was with Lark. Rosethorn was also a gardener and plant mage, so she had a lot to do with plants.

At the same time, I was beginning to notice that I was enjoying plant class more than animal. I mean, how couldn't I? Watson is quite a great teacher, and the material interested me. As guilty as I felt about it, I didn't like the animal material. I didn't care about sheep or cows or pigs, and my liking for horses had already dwindled. Cats and dogs interested me, but not enough. Now trees, soils, and other green life--who knew they'd be so fascinating? I hadn't know. Watson had. Rosethorn had.

And so my inner battle began; animal and plant. At first the animal seemed to have triumphed. When it came to picking our major, I was quick to put down Animal and check off a few electives in plant. Plant snuck in an attack quickly after that, though, and I found myself changing majors only days after. Natural Resources truly amazed, inspired, and intrigued me. I put that down as number one.

That is how I found myself leaving ninth grade. I had a great group of friends, inner strength I hadn't even dreamt I could have, and a decision behind me. I had been out as bisexual in eighth grade, when I fell for a girl and then went through the classic stages of heartbreak. It wasn't surprising to me at all when that transformed into an only-female attraction over the summer. Actually, it didn't even transform. It had always been there. I had never been attracted to boys, and especially not their body. Some people don't believe that, but I'd have to give a big "Screw you" to them right here. Believe what you want, but that's what's true for me. Growing up, I had never wanted to kiss a guy.

I had wanted to kiss a girl. I had showered with a girl and enjoyed it. I had become close friends with only girls, and strayed away from guys. I didn't like them. They were icky.

I'm just gotten over that. But I still wouldn't want to kiss or do anything of that type with a guy. I still don't get feelings of that kind for them.

Those were my thoughts on the busride home. On the busride to school and during school, I was deep in thought about something similar but different. Have I changed that much since 8th grade? Previously, I seemed to think I was a completely different person. But I'm not. All along I had wanted a spine, and to be me, but I had been! Not in elementary school--I had coppied others through all of those years to fit in. Even in seventh grade.

I had been tired of that in 8th grade. Sure, I still admired a few of my peers. I looked up to Heather, and I'm sure I coppied her in multiple ways. But this time it wasn't to be cool. It wasn't to fit in. If anything, it just made me stick out further. I'm not sure why I did it, but I did. It worked, though. I got in touch with me. I came out, and not as sexual orientation. The me that has always been in me and I had hidden to try and fit in came out.

I had a spine all the time. Sure, I might not have spoken my opinions louder than others, but I lived them all the same.

This has been a very long post, but it does say a lot about me. Sorry for stealing your format, Cat. =] I was honestly thinking about the very same thing on the bus. It was iPod inspired thoughts, as my favorite song from "Dizzy Up the Girl" had come on.

That's ironic. I put "Dizzy Up the Girl" on right before I started this, and it just ended. If that doesn't say something, I don't know what does. Hopefully all that I just typed!

It's time for Steele's project, some more online stuff, and then novel writing. I need to get a few thousand words today.

'Kaythanksbyyyye. ~Cro.

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Tags: deep thinking
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