?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
16 April 2013 @ 01:43 am
 
I am still not really back. I just didn't want anyone to worry about anything extra terrible, given I'm a Masshole (I'm from Massachusets and am currently in MA; Boston is my old and sometimes-current stomping ground, when I'm more up for stomping than I am these days).

I'm fine. I didn't make it into Boston for any activism (or activity at any length) despite being invited. I avoided the news for much of the afternoon and evening because I knew I wasn't stable enough for it; I asked questions of my friends bit by bit, in little pieces I could handle. Spent the evening throwing a surprise birthday party for a dear friend and we all stuck together. I think we needed it. Came home and was finally able to look it all up myself, including pictures. I remember walking that part of Boylston many times from Gay Pride Parades and other Boston days...

I've heard from almost all of my friends, who are safe and either made it out of the city, were safe where they live/work, or found some other safe place to be, occasionally with strangers. Rev. Sunflower (the associate minister I like too much) doesn't have Facebook so I don't know, but I think Rev. Caroller (the senior minister) would have emailed us if there was anything to worry about. Rev. Sunflower lives less than 3 miles from where the bombs went off.

I wish I could make it into Boston tomorrow evening for the Arlington Street Church vigil (that's sort of my adoptive Boston church) but it's too tiring and expensive. Boston is a strong city of resilient people--we're a bunch of hardasses--and it's touching to read about all the "helpers", as Fred Rogers and his mother would say.

But it's still fucked. I cry for a world in which any people feel the need or drive to call out in such away, let alone so many in recent history. I feel plenty bruised and broken and not-whole and angry at a boatload of shit in this world almost completely driven by my own species and often race, but I am solidly standing on the side of love. It's the only place I'm ever going to be, whether I'm on my own two feet or on crutches or with a cane or on wheels or with a sodding prosthetic. And it doesn't make me a patriot despite the day of the year; it's not about My Country or My People, it's about All People and All Countries and this world that wasn't born with property lines.

Blood on Boylston. Just...damn it, I am sick of this shit. Sick of this world, sometimes, and this invasive species of which I am a member. Sometimes the good can shine through for me, the aftermath of loving kindness and support and outreach; today that doesn't seem to be the case.

But I'm okay, in the way that I'm always okay, so there isn't need to worry about that. I'm home safe with my grumbling dog. There may be two or so more not-really-personal posts from me soon and I've been able to comment a bit more lately than I have in a while, but I'm still not back back. Keep well, my dear ones; you all are in my thoughts.

(Some of this may not be as PC as I often strive to be; I apologise if I offend. Additionally, any mention of prosthesis comes from my own fears and is not a reference to the Boston Marathon or events of the day.)

[Crossposted from dreamwidth.]
 
 
Current Location: Not Boston.
Current Mood: depressedDepressed.
Current Music: Voyager.
 
 
 
minervas_eule: springminervas_eule on April 16th, 2013 07:51 am (UTC)
Hi Kiwi - good to see you at LJ for a bit, even if it is for such a depressing reason.... you've been on my mind a lot *hugs*!
Kiwi Crocus: Seasonal || Kiwi in lights.cranky__crocus on April 16th, 2013 08:07 am (UTC)
Hello Minnie. (: I still linger a bit--now definitely more than before. Thank you for your comment. ♥ You've been on my mind as well; I saw the pictures you posted the other day and smiled (hopefully I'll get to commenting more regularly again soon, but I can't say I'm holding my breath; I'll try).

I got your letter yesterday; my housemate brought it along when she came to visit. I smiled and laughed at the ladybird sticker on the back and said it was cute but didn't know what it said. My housemate asked why, I explained that it was in German, she laughed and said that she hadn't even noticed. I smiled again when I used Google to translate. Your letter certainly did make me smile. I'll try to write back when I can, likely when I'm back at my house with my stationery supplies; I've only got a bland notebook here.
minervas_eule: springminervas_eule on April 16th, 2013 11:07 am (UTC)
How nice to hear you got the letter! Don't feel you have to write back, it was supposed to be my special treat... I am happy enough reading your comments here on LJ &hearts
Kiwi Crocus: HP || Pomona || Herbology wand.cranky__crocus on April 17th, 2013 03:01 am (UTC)
Oh, I don't feel I have to, but I certainly love doing snailmail. (: I get very into it. And especially given that my commenting here on LJ is so sporadic, hah, I feel it's only right. (;
therealsnape: Judi as Wilhelminatherealsnape on April 16th, 2013 11:13 am (UTC)
Good to hear from you, even if it is for this dismal reason. I was beginning to get seriously worried. I do hope you'll feel well enough to be really back soon - we miss you!

And thank you so much for your faithful Hoggywarty commenting!

Kiwi Crocus: Judi || Compact & portable giant.cranky__crocus on April 17th, 2013 05:58 am (UTC)
Yes, quite the dismal reason.

I'm sorry; I certainly didn't mean to seriously worry anyone. Can't believe it's really been approaching a month since I last posted. I hope I'll feel up to coming back soon, too; I miss you all right back.

Of course I had to finish the Hoggywarty commenting. I do like to keep my promises, even if it takes a long while. (:
shadowycat: Ocean Homeshadowycat on April 16th, 2013 11:47 am (UTC)
I'm so glad to know you're okay, and hopefully all of your friends and family will be, too. Such a sad, horrific ending to what has always been, in my memory at least, a day full of fun and inspiration. ~hugs~
Kiwi Crocus: Seasonal || Hot chocolate.cranky__crocus on April 17th, 2013 06:07 am (UTC)
All my friends and family are okay. I have some friends with horror and fear stories, but all physically fine. Just spooked. Certainly a sad and horrific ending to such an event and day. I'm glad, at least, that Boston will be hosting it again next year--resilient, strong Boston.
lash_larue: Bluetlash_larue on April 16th, 2013 12:53 pm (UTC)
PC just doesn't apply when it comes to this kind of insanity. This is gut-level stuff.

I will admit that now my reaction tends more to sadness than rage.

"We have met the enemy, and he is us." - Pogo 1971

L

Kiwi Crocus: Nature || Open light crocus.cranky__crocus on April 17th, 2013 06:10 am (UTC)
I think I'm torn between sadness and rage, still. Good quote; all too true.
redbeargrlredbeargrl on April 16th, 2013 01:51 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry that it took such a horrible event to bring you back to LJ (even for just a check-in) but I admit that it's made me feel much relieved to hear that you are in a reasonably safe place. Seriously, I do SO miss you, and hope that life starts settling out for you sooner rather than later. Life can suck, but your friends will aways love you.
Warmest Bear Hugs,
J
Kiwi Crocus: HP || Minerva || Time stood still.cranky__crocus on April 17th, 2013 06:15 am (UTC)
I'm sorry it took such an event, too; I always intended to write some sort of explanation for my absence but none has come out right. Glad to have given you some relief.

I miss you to! And hope life starts settling out for me sooner rather than later, as well. I'll find out on May 6th what's up with hip, provided insurance things go through alright, and then I'll hopefully have a step to go from there. It's hard to get myself to think about jobs and money when I feel broken inside; even back in high school I went through a period of depression and apathy with things like schoolwork before I later flipped toward the opposite and threw myself into them.

But I'm having a brief moment of faith, so I'll ride on that: in the end I'll be fine, because I always am, and I'll come back because I always do. Thank you for sending me love to tether me so I can't go adrift, and so I can follow it back home later. ♥

Warmest Kiwi hugs right back.
CaroRulescarorules on April 16th, 2013 06:54 pm (UTC)
Glad to hear you are safe. *hug*
Kiwi Crocus: HP || McMin || Wand grasping.cranky__crocus on April 17th, 2013 06:16 am (UTC)
Thank you. *Hugs right back.*
?elsceetaria on April 17th, 2013 04:51 pm (UTC)
I'm glad to know that you and those you love are all okay.

But it's still fucked. I cry for a world in which any people feel the need or drive to call out in such away, let alone so many in recent history. I feel plenty bruised and broken and not-whole and angry at a boatload of shit in this world almost completely driven by my own species and often race, but I am solidly standing on the side of love. It's the only place I'm ever going to be, whether I'm on my own two feet or on crutches or with a cane or on wheels or with a sodding prosthetic. And it doesn't make me a patriot despite the day of the year; it's not about My Country or My People, it's about All People and All Countries and this world that wasn't born with property lines.
This was beautifully written, and I agree. The only place to be is on the side of love.
Kiwi Crocus: Seasonal || Toast the season.cranky__crocus on May 16th, 2013 06:00 am (UTC)
Thank you. It's comforting to know that even when I'm that sad and angry, perhaps my words can come out well. ♥