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12 September 2011 @ 01:28 am
 
I would give anything to have a friend show up in my room right now and pet my hair until I felt comfortable.

That desire makes me feel very silly.

Plus, my room is in such a state that no one could safely get into my room even through Apparition. Kiwi stuff from ages seven to 21...so much to go through.

It's my room, but it's my room with input from all those years... Right now I just want to create a room for me, 21-year-old just-post-college Kiwi, where everything has a place and (sometimes chaotic) organisation and sections and the feel of a tower-burrow at once and the feeling that I can flop anywhere and be comfortable in a space that is mine.

I'm working to create that. Little seven-year-old Kiwi is sitting on the dresser, playing with horse and unicorn figurines; 11-year-old Kiwi is crying over bullies and then getting lost in the smiles and rainbows of her inner day-dream sanctuary; 15-year-old Kiwi is frowning and glaring and writing the pain of her dying hip into novels and role-plays; 17-year-old Kiwi is giggling, writing letters and watching Harold and Maude. I don't mind any of it, but I'll enjoy the vivid memories more when I'm experiencing it from a room that feels like me.

I've always re-organised this room after transitions; it was one of the ways I would realise I had experienced it. I think random room-recreations happened about once a year, some simpler and some that turned my room upside-down (well, not quite, but I would have if I could have!). I just need to do it again...but it feels harder this time than it has ever felt before, which is understandable. I'm trying.

Until then, I don't really feel I have a place. Having a place is very important to me.

Uh, yeah, post-graduation blues are pretty thoroughly kicking my arse right now. There's that. I'm not feeling as hopeless as yesterday. There's that, too.

But oh, the hair-petting would do a trick. I guess I'll just have to pet my dog instead. (Oh, the life of a recent grad-of-any-level. I'm sure you've all heard and felt it all before--apologies!)


(Dear School,

It still feels weird that we've broken up--we were together for so long! Thank you for the parting gift; I'll cherish it always. You're still too intense for me right now, but I don't think I'm angry anymore... I may give you a call in a year or two or ten. We have some great memories and I'll miss you dearly. We may be able to stay friends, for you know my soft spot for textbooks...

Love,
Kiwi

P.S. I do miss homework a little bit. ...a lot bit. Don't tell anyone.)
 
 
Current Mood: confusedConfused.
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on October 14th, 2011 12:54 am (UTC)
Thank you for this! Just what I needed to hear. ♥ Thank you thank you.
Feather Quill: Unconditionallovefeatherxquill on September 12th, 2011 06:51 am (UTC)
*hugs*

I remember the feeling, and even three years later, I'm still in the limbo between graduating and starting a 'real' life. It's very weird at first, but I do hope you can start enjoying the freedom a little, soon.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on October 14th, 2011 12:54 am (UTC)
Thank you. (: I think I will soon, when half of me stops expecting to go school. And when I start creating some actual structure to my life--like starting to think about moving, I suppose. Can feel a bit stressful, but at least it's doing something! :D
(Deleted comment)
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on October 14th, 2011 12:56 am (UTC)
Thank you for this. (: It's nice to know that I'm not alone. (I don't even have my uni books, since I hardly bought any and the few I did buy were unlikely to make it all the way back to America, as heavy as they were!) I'm hoping I can find a new life that's just as fascinating and also fun. (: Thanks again for this!
Miss M.: ladybirdsmiss_morland on September 12th, 2011 07:38 am (UTC)
I agree with everything the others say. It may not be much of a consolation right now, but you'll be all right! I have so much faith in you. <3

*pets your hair*
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on October 14th, 2011 12:56 am (UTC)
Thank you thank you for this. ♥ I really appreciate it. *Hugs.*
Shivshiv5468 on September 12th, 2011 07:56 am (UTC)
I still wake up occasionally in the middle of the night thinking my homework is due tomorrow, and I can't remember my timetable, so you're not the only who misses homework.

For a given value of miss.

Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on October 14th, 2011 12:57 am (UTC)
For a given value of miss.
Ahaha, thank you for the laugh. I needed it then and needed it again now upon re-reading it.

My father tells me he still wakes up with exam nightmares, so I guess I'll never be entirely free of uni; I suppose it'll haunt me like any proper good ex should. Only this time I can flip it the bird and not be losing marks/sexual privileges...
therealsnape: SS Life can be sweettherealsnape on September 12th, 2011 12:06 pm (UTC)
*pets hair* - the icon does not, perhaps, show exactly what you hope for, but in my own Snapely way I do make an effort at this empathy and kind messages thing.

Joking aside, of course it's a time where you feel strange and disoriented. The work you spent so many waking hours on has ended, and nothing has taken its place yet. But it will, in due course, and you'll feel much better.

tetleythesecond puts it beautifully.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on October 14th, 2011 12:58 am (UTC)
Thank you for this--for the laugh and the reassurance! I truly appreciate it. ♥
CaroRulescarorules on September 12th, 2011 02:02 pm (UTC)
lol @ missing the homeworks ! :P

Reorganizing your room sounds like a good idea.
tt: sorrytwisted_twister on September 12th, 2011 02:45 pm (UTC)
Sorry that this time I can't share anything off my own experience, and I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way.

I never felt what you experience, and I never went to college/university either. I was really happy to not do anything after high-school and just be, then I did my service, which was an unpleasant experience for my non-conformist ways, so I was all too happy when this ended without me being jailed (deserved it, though!), and then I just floated about until I found a job in a music store, then music lable, and when I was fired (because all of you younger people started stealing music on the Internet) I never even bothered to look for another job. One can lead a life full of uselessness and still find love and happiness, it seems. It is still rainbows and small moments of joy for me, even if I do not lead the 'normal' life society expects us to live, and I certainly still not sure if I know what I want to be when I grow up (beside writing as well as Kelly, Tetley, TRS and the rest of you lot)!

So, my Words Of Wisdom for you will be:

--don't do what I did ---

NOT! ;-)

Actually, what I say is that no matter where life takes you and how long it takes you to get there, you can still enjoy the way WHILE walking. You are now back home somewhere between graduation and your life as an adult? Great! Enjoy it. Nobody says you have to start behaving like an old person pronto! You don't have to decide now on your life-mission. You may. You can. But you don't have to. Give life a try, explore your horizons, do a few experimental jobs, rest a lot, write a lot, read even more, party some. Be a child! Responsibility will fall on you anyway at some point, why rush it? Embrace your doubts and strong emotions because these are the forces that will pull you forward later in life.

Right now, if I understand what you say, you feel a void and you wonder what can fill it. Let life fill it. In time.

Meanwhile, take another virtual hair petting from me; I know it's not much, but if it helps to know, you have my love from the distance.

And just a note about practicality: arranging your old stuff is the best way I know to prepare for a new life-phase. Good luck with that!

Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on October 14th, 2011 01:05 am (UTC)
I find your life experience incredibly valid. I know I went to university primarily because I wanted to and love learning (although there was certainly pressure there, and I would have felt it had my decision been not to go), but I also don't think I would mind a life more like yours eventually. I wish. I think part of the stress of the moment is how pressured I feel to move on to the 'next step', running straight into a career and earning money and all that. And of course I would love to get out of my parents' hair. But most of the recent grads I know tend to just pick up odd jobs for the years after graduation, figuring out what they like... But my mother keeps mentioning 'benefits' and 'health insurance' which of course I know I need because I'm a 21-year-old with a hip replacement...it's all just a bit much sometimes, you know? I want to make some mistakes and a few stupid decisions and just float around for a bit figuring out what I want from life, how best to suck the marrow from the bones of life, without thinking of things like health insurance for my next hip replacements or possible issues. Arrgh it's frustrating! I just want to kick society for not caring for the individual!

I guess I'm having trouble because in one moment my mother will be stressing the notion that for once in my life I am free of stress and don't need to be freaked out, while the next not hushing about possible jobs and health insurance. I just think my head is going to explode.

Thank you for your comment, all of it! And especially for taking the time to write it all up! (I'm sorry for taking so long to respond!)
?elsceetaria on September 12th, 2011 09:03 pm (UTC)
::pets your hair raondomly::

::Hugs::

I understand this post completely. The crazy feelings will pass, will change with time. Things will get better. You will find your space and your purpose.

(For months after I graduated, I kept thinking I have to write a paper, which became I have to write. I missed doing research and all that jazz)
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on October 14th, 2011 01:06 am (UTC)
*Hugs back.* Thank you. This comment meant a lot to me. ♥