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08 June 2011 @ 10:36 pm
 
This post contains TMI. If women who don't constantly wear bras, are willing to talk about most anything and are learning to love their bodies (non-sexually) offend your sensibilities, I would suggest not reading. (I also have to express curiosity as to why you might be reading my journal in the first place; there's no fic here...)


Setting the Scene: Kiwi, by the fridge, reading Harry Potter fanfic out loud. Mark walks in. Kiwi inspects herself to make sure she is viewable to semi-public (this step probably should have happened sooner). She finishes making couscous.
Kiwi: "I seem to have taken the time to apply socks, shoes and clothing but not a bra. I apologise if my breasts offend you."
Mark [who is gay]: "I love your breasts."
Kiwi: "All's good then. Although I feel as though I'm disillusioning the household."
Mark: "Huh?"
Kiwi: "Out of thinking that large breasts actually stick up near one's chin without assistance." [Kiwi sits down, crosses her arms and eats her food.] "Instead it's more of a boobquake."
Mark: "Boobquake? Like, seismic waves?"
Kiwi: "Precisely. Butterflies, you know."

This, in my mind, attaches to three things I have been contemplating lately.

1. I am not fat.

I mean, media-wise, yes, I may be considered fat. But since when have I appreciated or assessed my value based on the stick culture, anyway? I've just been letting it sneak in. Size (qualitative rather than quantitative) is defined by the beholder which is, in my life, me. I declare that I am not fat. So today I took out my jeans and cut them into the jean-short-cutoffs that I have been too afraid to wear for fear that I Am Fat - but a) I could be fat, wear them anyway and still be attractive and b) I've decided, again, that I am not fat. I'm never going to have my mother's tennis-toned body or my brother's I-sprint-even-when-I'm-drunk lanky form. I'm always going to have flesh and curves and muscles and fat.

2. I like my body, and that's what matters.

I'm always going to have flesh and curves and muscles and fat - and stretch marks and hair and scars, too! My body is unique and interesting. It's also mine. Thus if I like my body, that's good enough, and I can present it however I want. So today I am wearing a tight-enough shirt, jean-short-cutoffs, a hoodie tied 'round my hips and my Docs - and that's fine. It isn't fair that I wasn't wearing certain things (like cut-offs) out of not wanting to Offend Other People. Uhm. It's my body; it's my choice. I apparently didn't see that logic before, when I was so worried that my weight or any other feature would offend other people and thus should be hidden. Also, I choose to live abstinently at the moment, so it's not even as if I have that incentive to make sure people like looking at my body. Which is strange to me anyway. I like all sorts of bodies; I would hope that the people I like (sexually or otherwise) would see my body fitting within the sorts of bodies they like. And if not...it wasn't really going to work out anyway!

3. I'm a virgin and that's completely okay.

My third and perhaps less related point. I'm sick of the virgin-whore (or in modern terms prude-slut) dichotomy. It doesn't work. People first judge me, by my clothing and sex-positive conversations, to be a slut. Sometimes I get slut-shamed - alright, fine, whatever, slut-shame a virgin, that doesn't frak with the system or anything. Then they find out I'm a virgin and I get shamed for being a prude or "well why haven't you lost it yet?" or "you should go lose it - just go lose it" or assume I haven't found anyone willing to sleep with me. Wow, you're fast with your label-gun, aren't you?! I haven't had sex myself, but you'll find there's nothing about sex or nudity that is going to shock me or offend me (so long as everything is consensual - but otherwise I would put it under 'rape' and not 'sex'). I haven't "lost it" yet and don't plan to go out and "just go lose it" because I'm not ready for sex right now. Yes, I've had people willing to tumble with me. First year I had a rather attractive girl staying in my bedroom over night tell me she had toys and would I please like to hook up? I told her I had homework - which I did, and was up all night doing. My priorities haven't been sex/romance/intimacy/dating/anything of the sort. It's beginning to change somewhat, but I'm still not ready, and I still have a lot of mental barriers when it comes to sex for myself. I'm not a paint-me-black-and-save-me-or-shame-me slut/whore and I'm not a paint-me-white-and-hold-me-up-or-malign-me prude/virgin. I'm a person who believes in the radical notion that sex is fun and pleasurable and there to be enjoyed (with consent and certain safety), but has not personally had sex. I'm a sex-positive abstinent person.

I am a 21-year-old lesbian who has been out of the closet for 8 years and I am a virgin. And that is completely okay.


Conclusion: Some of these may seem self-evident or obvious to you. They haven't been for me. I'm sure I'll slip back into thinking I'm too chubby or that it's important that other people like my body (so I should hide it if they don't) or virgin-shaming myself by the voices I've collected in my head. I'll work equally hard to always land back in these three understandings with myself: I am unique and fine the way I am (hopefully someday I'll be able to say 'beautiful' and mean it); when I like my body, that's all that matters; it is perfectly fine for me to be a virgin and will be perfectly fine when I am not one (as long as I do everything on my own terms.)

Dear Stick World, I have big American thighs. But you know what? There's sure as hell enough muscle in 'em to hurt when I kick out. What are you going to do about it? I don't subscribe to your ideals so get the hell out of my brain. No love, Someone who has suffered under your impossible, commercial standards for far too long and is fed up. P.S. Your messages are all wrong. Fix them. I am done with your impossible, paedomorphic, dehumanising and demoralising standards of beauty. It takes all kinds. I'm done with your shit.

This brought to you by: Surrounding myself with pictures of real people of all colours, shapes, sizes and presentations (gender, sexual, subculture, more) and sitting there gasping at the beauty inherent in the diversity of human forms.


Kiwi

Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life.
[Rachel Carson]
 
 
Current Mood: energeticPowerful.
 
 
 
lash_laruelash_larue on June 8th, 2011 10:19 pm (UTC)
Good for you.
L
Kiwi Crocus: Seasonal || Cutoffs.cranky__crocus on June 11th, 2011 10:03 pm (UTC)
Thank you! (:
Miss M.: the bravest man I knowmiss_morland on June 8th, 2011 10:25 pm (UTC)
Sing it! <3
minervas_eule: MHiU: hat patminervas_eule on June 9th, 2011 07:05 am (UTC)
Perfect combination of comment and icon....I love that scene... ♥...if you can't say it: sing it !
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Roses.cranky__crocus on June 11th, 2011 10:04 pm (UTC)
Thank you! ♥
our little life is rounded with a sleepdefyingnormalcy on June 8th, 2011 10:28 pm (UTC)
Power to you babe ;) *hugs*
Kiwi Crocus: Seasonal || Cutoffs.cranky__crocus on June 11th, 2011 10:05 pm (UTC)
Thank you! ♥
albalark: All Sorts of Lovelyalbalark on June 8th, 2011 10:39 pm (UTC)
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Yay you!!!! *\o/* for loving yourself as you are, because you are beautiful. (And so is your attitude!) :-)
Kiwi Crocus: Women || Swimming.cranky__crocus on June 11th, 2011 10:07 pm (UTC)
Re: ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
*Blushes.* I hope some day I'll be able to use such a term! But for now, yaaaay for progress! (: Thank you! ♥
Maggiemagnetic_pole on June 8th, 2011 11:24 pm (UTC)
*smooch* Yay, you! I haven't seen so much positivity about the body in one place in a long time. M.
Kiwi Crocus: Women || Flowers in her hair.cranky__crocus on June 11th, 2011 10:09 pm (UTC)
*Smooch back!* Thank you! (: I've been seeking out lots of body-positivity stuff since otherwise what I see is very much not positive. Best I can do is change my own places! :D
Nicki: beautifulperoxidepirate on June 8th, 2011 11:34 pm (UTC)
Love you.

Y0u had me at "boobquake" but this whole entry is made of win. And this?

"Dear Stick World, I have big American thighs. But you know what? There's sure as hell enough muscle in 'em to hurt when I kick out. What are you going to do about it? I don't subscribe to your ideals so get the hell out of my brain. No love, Someone who has suffered under your impossible, commercial standards for far too long and is fed up."

WORD.
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Handprint on my heart.cranky__crocus on June 11th, 2011 10:11 pm (UTC)
Love you too! ♥ Hahaha, 'boobquake' is one of my favourite terms. :B

Glad you liked the entry!
Molly: ianto phonezapthatmonster on June 9th, 2011 12:48 am (UTC)
Thank you. Those are all things I've struggled with a lot over the past year. I only lost my virginity* a couple months ago and it was just... I had sex. Big whoop. It didn't change me at all. I'll probably be better at it next time. I feel like a lot of my friends feel like I'm far more sexually experienced than I am just because I have a head on my shoulders about it and am comfortable talking about sex.



*This is a whole other complex tangent, but virginity means absolutely nothing to me and I think that's why I've had so many issues with it. People asked me if I was a virgin like it's some big deal, and it's like... yes, but all that means to me is that I have not been naked with another person in bed. I did just want to get it over with, so I could move forward with life. I had sex with someone I didn't particularly care about and it wasn't particularly great but I'm relieved to not have to fight with people about it anymore. It doesn't make me any more or less of a person and I feel like people either think you are more or less of a person because of it. So. Fucking. Irritating.
Kiwi Crocus: Lesbians || Boots.cranky__crocus on June 11th, 2011 10:16 pm (UTC)
I had sex. Big whoop. It didn't change me at all. I'll probably be better at it next time.
It was really good for me to read that. 'I had it. Big deal. Next time I'll be better.' That's pretty much how it all comes off to me.

I feel like people either think you are more or less of a person because of it.
Definitely. And all the time, I'm tempted to do something about it just so I don't have to, as you said, fight about it any more. But while for me virginity is just that - being naked in a bed with someone (or somewhere else, or not entirely naked but anyway just sex) - I also acknowledge that for me it's a big deal because of my relation with my body and how it exists/what it does/its limitations.

But it's less 'virginity is a big deal for me' and more 'sex is a big deal for me' because it's not as though those problems are just going disappear after my first time. Or my first time with other partners. I think they're things that may diminish over time, hopefully, but not just *poof* all gone with the V-card.
Rosa | ¯\(ºдಠ)/¯rosaxx50 on June 9th, 2011 02:34 am (UTC)
Bravo. I love how positive-orientated everything you said was, focusing just as much on the good of your beliefs as the bad of what others are saying.
Kiwi Crocus: Ani D || Embrace the world.cranky__crocus on June 11th, 2011 10:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you for this! ♥
Meganmirellarussian on June 9th, 2011 05:14 am (UTC)
Good for you! As long as you're happy, who cares what commercial standards say? Screw them, REAL is a hell of a lot sexier.
Kiwi Crocus: Text || Beautiful things like you.cranky__crocus on June 11th, 2011 10:20 pm (UTC)
Screw them, REAL is a hell of a lot sexier.
That's beautiful! Thank you for your comment! :D
minervas_eule: Minervaminervas_eule on June 9th, 2011 06:29 am (UTC)
There's sure as hell enough muscle in 'em to hurt when I kick out. ...great notion, good for you ;-)) very in tune with the newest Minerva-poster out yesterday "Take that, you....!"
Kiwi Crocus: HP || McMin || Herd of desks.cranky__crocus on June 11th, 2011 10:22 pm (UTC)
*Grins.* I like that you mentioned the Minerva poster! Thanks for that thought. (: Yes, I seem to be in a 'take that, you!' mood about it all, teehee. :D
President Airlock: Awesomequeen_of_snapes on June 9th, 2011 08:19 am (UTC)
You know, I always got the feeling that for society to be accepted as having 'lost it' you'd have to sleep with a guy. Sex with girls doesn't count so I reckon there are a lot of very old virgins out there...
Kiwi Crocus: DW || River Song || Kissyface.cranky__crocus on June 11th, 2011 10:23 pm (UTC)
Sex with girls doesn't count so I reckon there are a lot of very old virgins out there...
Hark hark hark.

Yup, in that line, no loss of virginity in my upcoming future!
Seekcoldthermistor on June 9th, 2011 09:43 am (UTC)
Preach it, sistah!

Although as far as I get it, the virgnity bit is the opposite here. It's more of what, you're NOT a virgin? and then the lens of judgement comes on. (I can't help being biased towards making positive value judgements of virginity in the same way everyone else is though.)

I think that's just how societies work :/
Kiwi Crocus: Nature || Awkward giraffe.cranky__crocus on June 11th, 2011 10:24 pm (UTC)
Yeah, virginity is a weird one. And always seems to be a bigger issue for females. Annoying.
therealsnape: MM by queentherealsnape on June 9th, 2011 11:20 am (UTC)
Good for you!
Kiwi Crocus: HP || McMin || Smiles.cranky__crocus on June 11th, 2011 10:26 pm (UTC)
Thanks! :D
zee: cuddles *-*zofbadfaith on June 9th, 2011 12:28 pm (UTC)
I love jean-short-cutoffs. I've made a few myself, to use during summer, even if I'm not too keen on showing my body.
I'm still working on your topics 1 & 2 with myself. I've the hardest time accepting myself and my body, the away I see or the way people see it. And I hardly ever show it a lot (it's a novelty for my friends whenever they see me wearing cutoffs or sleeveless shirts) 'cause I'm bothered by the fact that other people are bothered by it. I don't know exactly how it works in other countries, but here some people will call you fat in the middle of the street sometimes, and other people will call you hot. I don't agree with the Stick World rules, I'd just like to feel prettier, for myself; 'cause if I feel pretty, maybe that's how people are going to see me, you know?

As for topic 3, I feel like I could've written it :) Despite the fact that I'm not a virgin, everything else just applies. I'm slowly trying to be less blind, regarding the people that like me, and trying to freak out less when people tell me what they think of me (which is usually good things, I'm always impressed). It's really hard, after the time I spent alone, accepting that there might be someone who would want to be with me, not accepting my chubness and being bitter sometimes and all; but I've been working. My friends always say that I'm alone because I want to and things like that, but they never really realise I'm alone because I'm afraid of taking big steps, and I'm never able to explain things like that. Only a few people have the open mind to listen to things like that and try to understand it, but it took me a while to discover that.

It seems I've written a lot xD Haha, but I told you we could be twins, right? We totally could.
Kiwi Crocus: Seasonal || Cutoffs.cranky__crocus on June 12th, 2011 05:20 pm (UTC)
I've been called fat in random places; I've been called hot by others, honked at and the like. In my experience, people don't hide what they think of your body in the UK or in the US (at least where I've frequented).

I'd like to feel prettier for myself, too. But I'm trying to focus less on the 'If I feel pretty, maybe other people will see me that way too' because I feel as though valuing myself based on how others see me is a useless pursuit. Some people will always see me as pretty and fantastic; some people will always see me as fat and disgusting. If I go by that then I can only really feel good about myself if the prior outweighs the former in number or in the amount of opinion-voicing. If I go by myself and my own inner appreciation, I can say 'sod the lot, I'm pretty; if you agree fantastic and if you don't fantastic too, go find someone you find pretty!'

Plus, I know I'm personally drawn to people with more of an inner, inherent sense of confidence/self-esteem - I find that really attractive. It's something I've also always wanted to do/have. So my hope tends to be 'if I think of/carry myself as [positive trait], you can see that'. I'd much rather be regarded as a person who views herself with self-worth for being pretty/intelligent/attractive than actually seen as pretty/intelligent/attractive, if you know what I mean. Though of course I don't mind either! (; But it goes back to the first point - I don't want to draw my self-worth from that; I want that to be inherent. So far I've been doing a pretty reasonable job, lately!

I've tended to be aware of when people like me, though I don't always (actually I don't often) acknowledge it unless it is brought to my attention outright. (Plus, I tend to quite respect that.) I then feel a bit bad since I'm not romantically or sexually inclined at the moment and I very rarely get crushes. So it's usually a bit of a, "Wow, thank you for telling me that! I think you're wonderful. I'm sorry that I don't think of you in that way, but please know that I still think you are utterly fantastic and I very much value you. I won't let this make anything awkward and we can still be great friends!" Once upon a time I also admitted a crush on one of my straight friends and she used the same on me, so I know it didn't hurt very much - and we also got closer from it. I love that.

Well, first of all, I think your friends are stretching the definition of 'alone'. Alone means there is no one around, no one you value in any sort of proximity (including online). 'Single' does not in any way mean 'alone' - or it shouldn't. Nor does 'taken' always mean 'together' - some of the most alone people I have known have been in relationships at the time, and they still feel alone/isolated. I haven't been in relationships for more than 3 months of my life total and I've never felt alone. I have a rich array of beautiful friends that nourish me in every possible manner; and I know that even if I wanted sex, friendship could nourish me there too.

I'm afraid of taking big steps because I want to take the first ones by myself and/or get comfortable with them before I take them. I'm single because I choose to be single. (Or, really, I'm single-but-not-looking.) Many people don't seem to understand that. But then, I find in many peoples' minds, convention is deeply rooted into the topic of relationships and romance and sex and love.

Only a few people have the open mind to listen to things like that and try to understand it, but it took me a while to discover that.
Very true. I hope you find more soon! I'm incredibly lucky in having so many people in my life who will. For a long time I didn't have that.

Writing a lot is great! :D I do it all the time, as you can see. (; Huzzah for twins! :D
Meganluna_shovegood on June 9th, 2011 04:10 pm (UTC)
I think commerical standards are creepy. I think it's the exessive photoshop and constant drive to be 'better' so they can sell their products.

In addition to that, I have a rather strong dislike of bras. But, that's quite irrevelent.

Yay for being happy with yourself!

Mitheirien: the sun called to each frond and whorlgrey_gazania on June 9th, 2011 07:58 pm (UTC)
You are a beautiful human being. ♥
.vivalafrench150 on June 9th, 2011 09:25 pm (UTC)
Four for you, Kiwibird! You go, Kiwibird!

I find it silly that I'm using a pop-culture-inspired comment to praise this journal entry, but...Mean Girls (although the movie is allll about the things you've mentioned in said entry) is just too awesomely quotable. /ramble.

This is rather inspiring, Kiwibird. Very well-stated :) <3
?elsceetaria on June 10th, 2011 07:19 pm (UTC)
I think this entry is one of the most beautiful things I have read in a long time.
"Q" is for "quor": classicalq_sama on June 11th, 2011 04:09 am (UTC)
This post is completely full of win. ^__^ I think choosing to be happy with one's own body is difficult, and your thought-process is so delightfully *healthy* that I think I will work to adapt it. (Fighting against decades of deeply internalized issues, but I will at least try to win the fight!)

As for the Madonna/Whore complex people seem to have... urgh. I was a virgin until I was 23, and the first person I slept with after the initial partner made me feel ashamed of a) waiting so long in the first place, and b) not being a virgin when we finally did sleep together. WTH, society? I say kudos to those who wait until they're *ready*. God forbid, we be responsible with our bodies (and our hearts) and not push before we can handle it completely.
Kiwi Crocus: Lips || Green shout.cranky__crocus on June 27th, 2011 06:00 am (UTC)
Thank you. ♥ I'm still trying every day. It's harder since I've put on a bit of weight, but I know the process and my body are ebb-and-flow, really. The thing is, I want to love myself in whatever state I'm in while still motivating myself to get more healthy and fit; that's the state my body naturally wants to be in. But if I sit here attacking myself for not being beautiful and then don't accept myself, I think the process of change will take even longer with the bad feelings clogging up the potential for progress. I don't want it to be an angry transformation.

Your second sexual encounter seems incredibly peculiar! Yet also typical. "Why don't you have more experience? And why aren't you a virgin for me?"

God forbid, we be responsible with our bodies (and our hearts) and not push before we can handle it completely.
This. So much this. But even as my body image and body acceptance comes and goes between positivity and negativity, since this entry I haven't had much problem with the virgin issue anymore. It has been very empowering for me to just acknowledge to myself that I'm not ready, despite being 21 (as if that means anything!), and that it's okay. Now when people ask I just admit that I'm not ready, and if they want to judge me for that then so be it.
þeof in þystro: Hatmothwing on June 11th, 2011 04:43 pm (UTC)
&hearts;
Yay for positive posts, YAY for body-positivity and sex-positivity, YAY for you!!!
Liawyldlittlepoet on June 21st, 2011 11:17 pm (UTC)
This is an awesome, awesome post, and it's just what I needed to read today. Thanks for sharing it!
Kiwi Crocus: Women || Cat and plait.cranky__crocus on June 27th, 2011 06:01 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm so glad that you saw and enjoyed it, then! ♥