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17 April 2011 @ 12:46 pm
 
So. I fractured my hip seven years ago today. One second slide tackle, ball off and away up field...next second gee, ground, why are you holding me down?

I don't feel too torn up about it, at the moment, but then my brain is known for hiding things until I can deal with them.

I want to post things, but they keep coming out all emo and froppy-frowny. I want to post happy things, like how it's sunny and how I'm alive and how I'm a person worthy of love and respect but none of them seem to have much weight in my life at the moment and it's annoying.

Ebullience is fun. Being a naturally ebullient person so far away from that sensation is not.

I suppose I will say instead, then, that my sleep schedule is entirely whack. I didn't sleep Friday night because I was drinking and writing HP fanfic for hpdrunkfic. I stayed up to make sure others had company during their writing. I went to sleep from 11am - 8pm Saturday. Then I slept from 3am - 10am Saturday night, so now it's Sunday, half past noon, and I'm awake when I usually wouldn't be - which is nice.

Sleep doesn't feel very nice, though. I seem to wake up after every cycle, but I don't want to turn to look at the clock because then I'll be completely awake and have more difficulty going back to sleep if it hasn't been long enough...so I often over-sleep, but sometimes I under-sleep. Regardless it doesn't feel very relaxing. I am having ridiculous dreams that somehow all seem related to exams no matter how unrelated they appear - it's that 'dream feeling', like when a person looks nothing like the person IRL but you just know it is.

I can feel my prickly pear persona is still here which means something below it isn't stable, but I can't seem to source it. Or maybe it really is just the mixture of exams-graduation-leavingEngland and I'm afraid of harsh self-judgement so I'm not admitting it. I appear to be in a Slump Funk, with occasional Peaks in which I can almost remember what a cloudless sky feels like, beyond the bumps and trumps of Slumpland, Funk Country.

What I should do: Shower, eat, clean my room (wouldn't take long), meditate, jot things down in my written journal, read a chapter in a book, revise, listen to music, get grounded, be sane.

What I am doing: Having a day full of sighs.

Oh, bother. I feel 16 again. Excuse me, when did I ask for that?!


Kiwi

They say goldfish have no memory; I guess their lives are much like mine and the little plastic castle is a surprise every time. And it's hard to say if they're happy but they don't seem much to mind.
[Ani DiFranco; Little Plastic Castle]
 
 
Current Mood: soreSore.
 
 
 
woldy: wishwoldy on April 17th, 2011 12:31 pm (UTC)
You are an awesome person who deserves love and respect, of course, but I understand the feeling of being in a slump and not being able to rationalise it away. *offers hugs*
Meganluna_shovegood on April 17th, 2011 01:09 pm (UTC)
You usually sleep in past noon!? :O

Bad sleep = :(

I hope you feel better soon.
therealsnape: SS Life can be sweettherealsnape on April 17th, 2011 04:04 pm (UTC)
You're far too articulate for a sixteen-year-old, my dear. Believe me. I've just spent three days with them. On the plus side, they learned a lot and didn't think me too Snapish. On the downside, I feel tired. Then again, we're going out to a Greek restaurant tonight, so life is well at Spinner's End.

As to your listed activities for the day, go and check out kellychambliss's latest masterpiece on Daily Deviant. I've rec'ced it, but I'm to tired to link right now. It's great. It'll be a useful and pleasant activity.
Nicki: friends!peroxidepirate on April 17th, 2011 09:06 pm (UTC)
"Oh, bother. I feel 16 again. Excuse me, when did I ask for that?!"

THIS THIS OMG THISITY THIS! This is my *year* -- as in, April of last year until now -- and I'm so very worn out by it. I don't think it took up this much energy to actually be 16.

Will be back to read the rest and comment accordingly later, but that last line jumped out at me as I was scrolling and I had to comment on it.
CaroRulescarorules on April 17th, 2011 11:18 pm (UTC)
Fractures in 7 places.. I didn't know it was that bad. Some days must be hard.
Cassiajoyitude on April 25th, 2011 03:30 am (UTC)
Why, thank you. I think my e-mail address is fun too. :P

In all seriousness, I love you. Froppy-frowny is no good, and I hope you're getting through it. <3