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15 April 2011 @ 06:28 am
 
Warning: This is not a typical Kiwi entry. If you are looking for a soft-spoken, unique-perspective, speckled-with-humour-and-poetry, slightly-ridiculous post, please select a ticket number from the machine and stand in queue behind Kiwi herself, who has been waiting a week. There will be an announcement when typical!Kiwi has returned. Until then, please stand with varying levels of patience, occasionally glance at your watch (pocket or no) and mutter "typical!" from time to time in an effort to return her to her rightful mindset. No member of this queue will be judged for his or her presence, except Kiwi, because she is whistling. (Kiwi - knock off the whistling or it's chimney by the ankles for you.)

In Bahdnoosland:

  • Ms. (Chaenomeles) Watson(ii) (my beloved high school botany instructor) probably has to put her dog Sophie (Sophora japonica) down tomorrow. She had to put her dog Holly down three years ago, when I was a senior. Ms. Watson lives a voluntarily child-free life (she loves her nieces) and her dogs are/were her babies; she brings them on campus, talks about them in class and the like. My heart hurts for her. I sent her an email even though I sent her one not too long ago and usually I have a rule about how frequently I contact old teachers. (I don't like bugging people.)

  • The 17th is the 7th anniversary of when I fractured my hip. I'm a little bit shocked by that. It's usually not an incredibly painful day, but it keeps my mindspace all thinky and not all the thoughts are positive. However this anniversary has allowed me to see that I led 2/3rds of my life as athletic/non-disabled person, so it's fine that I'm not Over this. And it's fine if I'm not Over it even when I get to the point that I've lived 2/3rds of my life disabled. I just get into this mindset in which I feel I really should be Over This by now and it's nice to have these times of clarity in which I realise that's not the case. This is something I'm reminded of every day, just by living; as long as the lot of it's not overrunning me and keeping me down, I say I'm doing fine.

  • I feel a mess. My April Feeling is all over the place; I often feel filled with so many conflicting emotions that I swear I'll burst like a bubble. They're not all bad...but sometimes it's frustrating to feel this gratitude in amounts enough to spill out my ears next to gut-grasping sadness over what-I'm-not-sure and really not knowing what to do about it. I haven't been able to source my emotions lately. Hence, mess!

  • The next five weeks of my life are going to be hell. Cheers for that, exams. I feel so battered. I wonder who could ever think this is actual learning, these 80% exams in which I fill myself to the brim with portions of a module in hopes the correct questions will come down and then sit down to write two spur-of-the-moment essays (with references for extra marks) at 40%-of-the-module-marks each. It's ridiculous. It's also annoying after I realised this spring break that though I can do other kinds of learning, hands-on is really my favourite. There is really very little hands-on about exams, save when my hands are on my head, ready to tear my hair out. (And I imagine the instructors and seconds love marking them just as much.)

  • My revision tactics this year bite. First year I was off the hook since I'd never had exams before. Second year I did pretty well, creating brochures for each week of lectures, highlighting, reading through them bundles. This year I am basically throwing everything from the modules into a document subheaded with 'Week 1', 'Week 2' and so on. No key terms. No super-organisation. I just...I swear I don't have it in me. The thought of putting in all that effort again brings tears to my eyes this very second. I know this is the stupidest of all times to give it up, and I'm just being petulant and daft and ruining my own marks... *Sigh.* I want to headdesk to kingdom-come. I hate this. To put it bluntly and with the most effective terminology, it's depressing as fuck. (My subject, I mean. OH HELLO THERE, OUR SPECIES IS KILLING THE WORLD! YOU CAN TRY TO STOP IT BUT OUR GLOBAL ATTEMPT KIND OF FAILED, HAHA. OOPS. WE'LL JUST TRY AGAIN NOW. GOOD LUCK TO US! DON'T FORGET TO RECYCLE. AND REDUCE. AND REUSE. AND OTHER RE-STUFF, LIKE RESPECT AND REINTRODUCE. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF LIZARDS PLEASE DON'T REPRODUCE. WE'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT.)

  • Once upon a time, I wanted to be the next (non-famous) Rachel Carson. Then my hip never got better. Now the idea of going 'out in the field' leads me to grip my cane and wonder whatever could bring me there. Jo is excited for river restoration over the summer. CJ is still thrilled from counting fig wasps. Pip is always volunteering with conservation organisations. Why am I in ecology? Good time to be questioning that, Kiwi, ol' girl. (Though I can understand it right before the final exams, I suppose, like a second-time mother remembering what she's just put herself in for and wondering what possessed her to go through that again.)

  • I'm going to stop ramble-ranting now because this was supposed to be a short entry. And I failed. Ha. Failure is sort of the name of the game right now.

  • No wait. WHY DO I SUCK?

  • The end.


    In Gudnusland:
  • I am alive.
  • I have written.
  • I am revising, even if too slowly and too suckily and too sulkily.
  • I drew something.

    This is for kitty_ryan because she wanted to see it and I'm off to bed (hello 6am!) and can't send it to her. Please remember that art is Not My Thing. (At this point, nothing is my thing but Complaining. Not even very skilfully. I am not an A+ Whinger. I'm more of an Eeyore at the moment, really... anyone found my tail?) I am not an artist. I generally don't draw. Yada-yada-yada, more excuses as to why you shouldn't take me seriously, and why any critiques should not look like criticisms so I don't bawl my eyes out due to my inability to remove myself from my work. Wow. Someone's feeling open about the inner workings of her mind today... And now for something completely different!

    Yellow.
    The sort of not-a-frown look that only Lark and few certain others might receive. No flash. Skinny shoulders. But it exists! I also don't know how to really shade eyes/add a pupil without it looking all anime-like. Realised while looking at the two reference pictures (one for the face mainly, other for the hair) that I can hardly see the pupil at all, it's more about where the light is hitting. Didn't really focus on that. Again, I'm not an artist! I'm just faffing about in a hopeless endeavour to keep my sanity.

    Less yellow.

    Everyone flash Rosethorn now.
    I flashed her.

    Halo.
    Who gave Rosie a glowing halo?


    There we go. Hopefully tomorrow there will be Lark beneath her, and them saying things, or something. This is the first drawing without real hints of anime that has come out of me. I'm 21. About time.


    Oh, screw you, dawn and birdsong! I have no time to be appreciative and poetic! Can't you see I'm in a tizzy? Could you please just go away for a while?

    You all can call me Grouch E. McAntankerous now. Seems I've got my prickly pants on. I'm going to bed now. Hopefully if there's a post tomorrow it'll be more...positive, and less like attempting to cradle a cactus with no gloves.

    *Kicks exams.*


    Kiwi

    They say goldfish have no memory; I guess their lives are much like mine and the little plastic castle is a surprise every time. And it's hard to say if they're happy but they don't seem much to mind.
    [Ani DiFranco; Little Plastic Castle]
  •  
     
    Current Mood: crankyCranky.
    Current Music: Sodding Birds.
     
     
     
    Nicki: beautifulperoxidepirate on April 15th, 2011 02:50 pm (UTC)
    *super-tight hugs* You do NOT suck. You're doing the best you can do in the situation you're in. Whatever you do -- whether you meet all of your goals (passing exams, making this a short entry, sorting out the April feeling, etc), or decide to (for instance) buy a ticket to Montana and hole up in a farmhouse with a bunch of feral cats and work on learning detailed macrame techniques for the next three years -- that's the best you can do, given the circumstances.

    And your Rosethorn is adorable. I'm so glad you posted it here, because it means I get to see it, too.
    Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Roses.cranky__crocus on April 15th, 2011 02:54 pm (UTC)
    *Super-tight hugs back.* Thank you for that reminder. I just feel like I'm giving up when this is my last year and these exams mean the most yet I don't have it in me to put the precise effort in I did last year. Also, the Montana idea sounds very appealing. Ridiculously appealing.

    Fret not, lovely, for you would definitely have ended up seeing Rosie soon - before the 17th! I was originally going to wait to post it until I had finished it, with Lark too, but I was IMing with Kit and mentioned I'd finished the Rosie headshot and she seemed interested in seeing it.

    Which reminds me that I wanted to ask you if you IM? I'm kind of ridiculous in IMs and always paranoid I'm actually irking people, but I like doing it anyway. I don't believe we've IMed before, if you do it to? (If we have I super apologise and blame my terrible memory.)
    Nickiperoxidepirate on April 15th, 2011 04:18 pm (UTC)
    I have an AIM account, which I mean to actually use more often! My username is peroxidepirate at-sign gmail dot com (but, you know, with and @ and a . in there instead), which is cumbersome, but I cannot figure out how to change it. Or you can message me on Facebook if we're both on. :)
    lash_laruelash_larue on April 15th, 2011 03:06 pm (UTC)
    The drawing is actually quite good, I'm impressed.

    I'm afraid I can't help with the exam stuff, I always hated that crap myself, and I never learned how to study. Didn't need to in high school, got to college and was all, wtf?

    Bitching and moaning is good for the soul, keep it up.

    My regards to Fluffy,
    Love,
    Lash
    Kiwi Crocus: HP || McMin || Eyebrows.cranky__crocus on April 15th, 2011 09:44 pm (UTC)
    Thank you. (: The annoying thing is that I'm good at studying; it's something I've always excelled at, silly Hermione that I can be. But this year I just don't seem to have it in me. There's really no good excuse! So I feel incredibly guilty for not doing my best with something I know I'm actually quite good with.

    Hah! at bitching and moaning. :D I must say, it was a little fun to let loose with my snarky side. I'm still generally too afraid to let the Internet see much of that. (;

    Fluffy thanks you! ♥
    101mutts: Border Collie101mutts on April 15th, 2011 09:12 pm (UTC)
    I've definitely seen you grow from first year exam stress to third year exam stress. Perhaps not the most helpful comment but it's true. Best of luck getting through the next five weeks.

    Ms. Watson wasn't in school today. I was hoping to find her for a hug or at least to tell her I'd been thinking about her. Alas. I feel for her, too.

    Great perspective piece about living disabled or not. I find that perspective very helpful. So thanks.
    Kiwi Crocus: Emotion || Blue butterfly bound.cranky__crocus on April 15th, 2011 09:45 pm (UTC)
    I was actually super stressed about my second-year exams too, but a lot of it was hidden in my Spain stress and then in the getting-stuck-in-Spain fiasco. But I had a double-exam day last year, too.

    Watsonii and her husband did some soul-searching and chose not to put Sophie down today. They're looking into UTI/kidney issue things; Sophie is more engaged now and the antibiotics stopped the bed-wetting issue.

    Yay for perspective helpfulness! Glad something was able to come from my general snark. (:
    Meganluna_shovegood on April 16th, 2011 10:01 pm (UTC)
    I don't think you suck.

    Also, one would not just get over a disability, I don't think... because it's always there. Looming. :D

    Your drawing is quite good, except the greyed-out eyes make it look a little creepy in a zombie-type way.