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09 April 2011 @ 01:50 am
 
Claire and Jo think that the reason I didn't try anything on/buy anything during out shopping expedition was because of price and my disinterest with fashion. This is mostly true. But Jo was talking about getting me in cutoffs and Claire about getting me in certain dresses or playsuits (? 1940s?). For instance Jo picked out a bikini for me and made me try it on. I have made myself the promise that I will not be trying on any more bikinis for a very, very long time. And no cutoffs. And no short-short dresses with no leggings or jeans underneath! (Tights are a no.) I realised they were under the impression that if I saw something I liked, I would try it on...which really isn't true. All the clothes I saw were so much about showing off Legs and Arms and Cleavage and Waists and Necks and...no. (Sometimes I wish I could wear those long dresses with belled sleeves and high collars, but I'd boil.)

So I have somehow managed to give off the impression to my friends that I am quite comfortable in my own skin and love/appreciate my body. I am surprised to hear this.

Just thought I would mention, then, that it's completely not the case. I am hardly comfortable in my skin - both in there being considerable pain underneath my skin and in hating so much about my body - and, try as I might, can't love it. Some days I less-than-hate-it and am grateful for those days. Some days I can even acknowledge "now isn't that soft!" (skin) or "I can work with that" (random body part). But for the most part I keep it very covered and clothed - clothed in baggier apparel than many of my friends would like, by what they tell me. (I didn't consistently stop wearing baggy clothing until after high school.)

There's my statement on that. I try not to dwell on it on LJ because it makes my friends sad, which then makes me feel worse, so it's a bad cycle! :P I guess I'm thinking of it because soon I have to go through my clothes and get rid of AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE before I head Stateside, so it'll be a bit time for choosing what styles I go for. I've been doing alright with wearing leggings, dresses and a belt even though I usually have to wear a jacket or zip-up hoodie over it. Meh. Going to stop thinking about it now.

In other news I have now attempted a number of times to do the Seven Sins meme and can't get through the first day, even when I pretended to be someone else to fill it out first. So sorry, albalark, looks like it's a no-go! Perhaps I'll try again tomorrow. I sure don't like giving up on things very much.

And in legitimately good news, I feel incredibly comfortable around the new housemate - more comfortable, perhaps, than I did around Lora-the-old-housemate-and-Pirate's-girlfriend. It's surprising since I lived with her since our first real days of Fresher Year, so that's pretty much all of uni. But Kieren is lovely, he did and organised the dishes today (love) and he's just generally open. I don't feel as though I'm walking on eggshells or talking about the Wrong Thing around him. Plus when he was a kidling, people apparently called him "Kiwi" when they couldn't pronounce his full name - and it stuck for a while. So though it isn't his nickname now, I found a fellow Kiwi-person and that made me laugh. It's also funny having another metalhead in the house because between his music, Pirate's music and Mark's constant (very loud) singing, we have a very loud house.

Now it is bed-time despite being before 2am. Let's see if I can wake up before noon tomorrow all by myself. It's time for revision of Essential Reproduction (sixth edition) by Martin H. Johnson; it has a giant close-up egg on the cover with lots of little sperm around it. (I think that's one of the reasons I need a flisty's Child's sperm sound-effect.) I also call this class "hormones and heterosexuality" class, though I did get to teach the class about cows going bi-curious during every oestrus cycle.

P.S. I stink at sustaining happiness when academia is nibbling my neurons. I know I was told not to apologise for the content or length of my LJ (sorry, minervas_eule, albalark!) but somehow I transitioned from a 15-year-old gruff "I don't care" to a 21-year-old "I'm sorry" "Don't apologise" "Okay, I'm sorry" "Don't--!" "Sorry, stopping" annoyance. Oops. Er... *Bites the latest apology.* But I am authentically apologetic about the rollercoaster nature my LJ seems to have taken on (I see it too) with my moods plummeting and then my successful attempts to yank them up again, at which point why-hello-there-slippery-slope-aren't-you-familiar? I won't blame anyone for not commenting or not reading until after May 20th (last exam). Although then I may be in a post-student-what-now funk until goodness knows when.

You all should probably just ignore me until I'm 30, okay?


Kiwi

Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life.
[Rachel Carson]
 
 
Current Mood: jealousJealous.
 
 
 
lash_laruelash_larue on April 9th, 2011 01:07 am (UTC)
"Essential Reproduction" is a lie. I think we should fade gracefully away.

I understand not being comfortable with your body. I'm sure you are roundly tired of people staring at your chest.

I can't ignore you till you're 30. I'm unlikely to last that long, so you'll just have to deal.

L
Kiwi Crocus: Text || I adore you weirdwonderful ♥.cranky__crocus on April 9th, 2011 11:15 am (UTC)
I still think it should be Essentials of Reproduction so it stops trying to make me feel bad every time I look at it. Then, I mostly feel grossed out anyway, because it took me ages to figure out what 'all those little blue things on the giant red planet' and since I twigged it...blech!

Honestly, they don't - I cover it up fairly well most of the time. (: People tend to be surprised when I take them out and wonder just where I was keeping them!

Ack! *Glomps and clings to Lash.* Well then. We will just keep speaking daily instead. *More hugs.*
kellychamblisskellychambliss on April 9th, 2011 01:33 am (UTC)
You all should probably just ignore me until I'm 30, okay?

News flash, my dear -- you're not going to feel all that different when you're 30. Or 40. The external crises will be different, but your feelings/responses will be much the same. This is good thing, for the most part, or at least I think so. Whatever "you" is, you can just be it. So apologize if you want /g/. Or don't. We love you regardless.
lash_laruelash_larue on April 9th, 2011 01:56 am (UTC)
This.
L
Kiwi Crocus: Food || Pasta we ♥ you.cranky__crocus on April 9th, 2011 11:27 am (UTC)
Ahhahhah, thank you for this. I've spoken with my mother about it a few times and do try to keep it in mind much of the time. (:

I still somehow live under the impression that I'll be more interesting when I'm 30; but I think if I'm not I won't be too disappointed. Here's to hoping I learn some important lessons by then though - you know, the really important lessons, like learning to clean a surface after I use it, doing my laundry every x period of time, spending a few minutes cleaning each room every day and going shopping before I'm down to just beans and pasta. (But I can't blame myself too much if I'm not successful there either and my mother can't hold it against me either. (; )

And yes, my brain is shooting off apologies at present. I fear if you all don't want apologies at DiaCon, someone's going to have to tape my mouth! Or fill it with biscuits. I think either is suitable.
minervas_eule: b/w mit Brilleminervas_eule on April 9th, 2011 07:22 am (UTC)
I am so glad about your housemates-situation: it sounds it is like it should be now.....constantly "walking on eggshells" must be terribly at ones own place *oh dear*. I hope it stays this way until you move....
Kiwi Crocus: Text || Beautiful things like you.cranky__crocus on April 9th, 2011 11:29 am (UTC)
I didn't even realise how much I did feel as though I was walking on egg-shells until I got a new housemate! (Before then we kept just wondering if Lora would eventually come back.) Now I have this huge sense of relief and I realise that's what it's from.

He's sweet, too! I let him have a glass of my juice so he bought me a whole new carton, wrote "KIWI'S" on it and stuck it on my shelf! I think he's fantastic. (:
therealsnape: Hooch Watchfultherealsnape on April 9th, 2011 08:06 am (UTC)
Ignore you? Certainly not. Kelly has put it brilliantly. Just go on being you. And put up with us. We're here to stay.
Kiwi Crocus: Text  || Dr. S || Matter don't mind.cranky__crocus on April 9th, 2011 11:32 am (UTC)
Lovely icon. (:

'Put up' with you? You're all goddesses, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm Cupid next to Athena and the others (I, erm, haven't taken any mythology) and haven't quite got my aim or flying technique sorted out! :Þ

Thank you for the reassurance. [:
Andrewquueer on April 9th, 2011 10:40 am (UTC)
Shall we remember that people put up with 2+ pages of crap on ministerial/congregational relationships on my blog? I promise, that's no more exciting than reading about your legs.

If you are THAT worried, you could use LJ cuts. But it's really not an issue.
Kiwi Crocus: Emotion || Surreal.cranky__crocus on April 9th, 2011 11:34 am (UTC)
I thought the ministerial/congregational relationships was pretty interesting when I was able to read them...

And it's more about having to put all this stuff up at all rather than the format, but thank you for the reminder. I'd probably still be apologising if I had somehow managed to express this all through interpretive dance.
(Deleted comment)
Kiwi Crocus: Women || Cat and plait.cranky__crocus on June 30th, 2011 04:18 am (UTC)
Ha! You wish! I'll go on being pesky to you as long as I please, and I do please.
That is incredibly comforting, actually. The fact that you got through my exam storm with me and can still stand to comment three months later means it must be true!

...and the last fifth makes me think: "How does one put this on and why would one want to?"
That sums up my current (and continuing) opinion of fashion, yes.

Thank you for your humour and your support!
Meganluna_shovegood on April 11th, 2011 07:09 am (UTC)
...But, if I don't talk to you until you're 30, I'll be old; I'll be 25! :P

*ahem*

Editted for a maths!fail... hopefully my old age will bring better arthithmatic skills with it.

Edited at 2011-04-11 07:10 am (UTC)
101mutts: Elphaba101mutts on April 12th, 2011 01:16 am (UTC)
I can totally relate to your feelings over clothes shopping. I can generally feel at least okay with my body until I have to shop for clothes and then all the insecurities creep up on me and it makes it a very not fun experience. Regardless of how much skin is being shown your clothes tend to be pretty awesome in my humble opinion.

We both have lovely Kier(a/e)n's in our lives. Amen to that. Yours sounds incredibly sweet. Big smile.

Kellychamblis put the thirty comment so well.
albalark: glomp photoalbalark on April 12th, 2011 01:35 am (UTC)
First - I'm so sorry that I didn't see this until today. Between the DDoS attacks and my own schedule I've been pretty AWOL from LJ.

Second - I want to apologize for making you feel as if you had to do the 7DS meme. You'll notice that neither Kelly nor Tetley never finished their versions either (Maggie and I were the only ones crazy enough). My idea was that you might want to do it for yourself (and not post it) for the value of the thinking process - a *fun* thing, rather than the stressful thing it seems to have turned into. I never meant to make you feel as if you were obligated.

Third - Kelly's right. Miracles don't happen and you become suddenly different at 30 than you were at 20. 40 is also pretty much the same. It's just the circumstances which change. So, in spite of what it might have seemed - I'm not ignoring you. And I hope to continue you not ignoring you well past your 30s. :-) Chin up, sweetie. The worst will be over soon, and then the world awaits!
Kiwi Crocus: Text || Beautiful things like you.cranky__crocus on April 12th, 2011 01:52 am (UTC)
Oh, dear, *big hugs*, I did not at all think you were ignoring me! And you didn't make me feel obliged at all, I promise! Rather loved and embraced for wanting me to take the time to do this. It hasn't been stressful - and the other days were fun to think about. (: I'm actually a little sad that I seem to have poor enough self-esteem that I can argue myself out of things I could be proud of.

I promise I'm not expecting miracles - more the slow and steady growth you don't see until you look back five years and go, "Oh wow, I have done some changing!"

There's a song that explains my current mindspace: In My Mind by Amanda Palmer. I'm going to post it to my livejournal later.

It's mainly my thinking about my future and where I can see myself growing through experiencing and living. Part of it is idealised, I'm sure, thinking of the mythical Perfect Adult I could be (hah! as if! and how boring!) but mainly just picturing where I can see my life allowing me to adapt and grow. For instance I actually fit many of the ideas I had when I was 10 about my future and who I would be - even from when I was 15 and a baby-butch lesbian. I somehow always thought I'd end up a hippie-dippier, compassionate-and-kind-exterior type person despite that it went totally against what I was as a fledgling teenager.

So there is some sense to it. (: I don't limit the person I will be as an adult - or I try not to be - or even have a cutoff point for when I am an 'adult', but I do have feelings and guesses and hopes. It's funny to know that in many ways I could Choose to be that person Now instead of Then, but there are some things I don't want to be yet (as I didn't want to be frilly when I was younger but admitted I wanted it for when I was older). That sort of stuff.

My headspace is going gooey with thoughts of graduation and the life of the Great Beyond past Graduation. :P

I love you! Please don't worry that you've caused me any sort of pain/stress or that I'd think you were ignoring me! ♥