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20 March 2011 @ 06:20 pm
 


He said Ani, you've gotten tough
'cause my tone was curt
yeah, and when I'm approached in a dark alley
I don't lift my skirt
in this city
self-preservation
is a full time occupation.

I'm determined
to survive on this shore

you know I don't
avert my eyes anymore
.

In a man's world
I am a woman by birth
and after nineteen times around I have found
they will stop at nothing once they know what you are worth
talk to me now.

I played the powerless
in too many dark scenes
and I was blessed with a birth and a death
and I guess I just want some say in between.

Don't you understand
in the day to day
and the face to face

I have to act
just as strong as I can

just to preserve a place
where I can be who I am
.
So if you still know how
talk to me now
- Ani DiFranco; "Talk To Me Now"



Today I am a combination of that and Wicked's "Defying Gravity", or at least I'm trying to be. I need to maintain this hardened version of myself, the one with the mental wards and the strong act, for a while so I can keep being myself and not a puddle of anxiety-ridden stress goo.

Today at the cafe every song reminded me of a memory and a self I've been through high school and university. It shocked me because the radio has never been one of my top manners of connection. This was proven when after the one DJ signed off, Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" started playing and I sighed at how sick to death I am of my generation's taste in music and sense of self. I know we're each generation is supposed to rebel against the generation before, and hell I know I've got a pretty whacky sense of self, but it seems that whacky for whacky's safe does not equate to a real sense of self. So I rolled my eyes and thought about how different London Road can look when I'm sitting on the other side of the street - and wondering if that's what life will feel like, when I'm not a student. I'm used to my side of the street but it's not comfortable and I'm ready to cross - or 'bridge' as we'd say in the Unitarian Universalist world.

Today I cried watching the families in the park directly across from my house's walkway. I thought about how next Sunday I can go out there and (hopefully) admire the blue sky above my head and eavesdrop on the chattering birds, because I will have made it through one of my greatest fears. But again I was watching from the other side of the street, and from this Sunday, I can't truly imagine that time and place nor myself arriving there. Some part of me knows this will be over next week (at least the larger part), but the rest of me is stuck here, with my biggest fear one huge obstacle blocking my sense of connection to my future.

So there's a montage of some of my Today Moments. I'm a girl waiting to cross the street, waiting for that little green man to tell me it's okay, my path is set and safe, I can cross the street. I am in the Waiting Place, the scent of a Slump still in my nose. I am waiting to see what the world will look like on the other side of the street.


Kiwi

A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water.
[Eleanor Roosevelt]
 
 
Current Mood: workingWorking.
 
 
 
gerrist: H&M  Motorcycle Adventuregerrist on March 20th, 2011 09:24 pm (UTC)
"waiting for that little green man to tell me it's okay, my path is set and safe," ...

It just so happens I bumped into a little green man on my way home today. He asked me to tell you two things:

1. It's ok - your path is safe, but not set and
2. Please don't stomp on me.

XO Mom
Kiwi Crocus: Food || Limey.cranky__crocus on March 20th, 2011 09:32 pm (UTC)
Awwr, you managed to change your icon! I'm so proud of you Mumster! :D Harold & Maude made me smile, of course. (:

Did the little green man have any rainbows?

Glad my path is safe but not set...although I didn't know Leprechauns were gay men! :Þ Regardless, I will try not to step on them. During Stony Brook Fin made up a story in which I was the Queen of the British Leprechauns.
gerristgerrist on March 21st, 2011 03:33 am (UTC)
"didn't know Leprechauns were gay men!"

Neither did I!! And I don't know that we can go making assumptions about "all leprechauns" based on this one experience. It may be that only a certain percentage are gay .... . I did not ask about rainbows, guess I just assumed a car had splashed through a puddle, thereby creating a momentary rainbow which allowed him to appear.
lash_laruelash_larue on March 21st, 2011 08:25 pm (UTC)
I interrupt this mother-daughter moment to bring you an unsolicited opinion...

This year, the grades, the degree, are important, yes. For you, for you to feel that you have accomplished something, something that will hopefully be of value to you in the future.

But...

Your future does not hinge on it.

The future is not a door, it's a river. There is always something else downstream, perhaps something even you have not thought of.

Don't forget to breathe.
L
Kiwi Crocus: Nature || Palm tree.cranky__crocus on March 21st, 2011 08:34 pm (UTC)
Nope, my future doesn't hinge on it - not in being dependent. It's just affected by it, since it's been a choice of mine that I've made for three years running (and before, actually) that I would stick it out for this.

I think that's why I thought of this as a street - which really isn't too different from a river, 'cept that it's a current of cars and trucks instead of water and fish. I could always stop crossing where I've been waiting to cross and go walk to the next cross-walk, or I could go find a different street; and once I've crossed, it's not impossible to come back (although for now I am NOT going to even consider postgrad). Just seems silly to go find somewhere else to cross or go find another street when I've been sitting here for so long waiting for the little 'walky man' to tell me it's alright to get to the other side. Even if my life doesn't hinge on it. (:

(And I do always remember that, I promise. I've had many days of wondering what would happen if I failed, and I always realised that life would keep on living and I'd go do something else, all the while knowing that I tried. On the base level that will always be good enough for me, even if it'll thrill me to succeed. :D )

Thanks for the opinion!

I think next time I'll have to go with a river type metaphor. I'm always tempted...but this time around, it doesn't feel natural like a river; university and waiting to graduate/get through feels very human-made and mechanical, contrived and a little controversial. So at the moment more like a street and that annoying little man that never flashes at the right time. Here's to hoping that once I've crossed the street, my next venture is at least a stream if not a river! :D