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27 February 2011 @ 07:35 pm
 
Irresponsibility did not so much happen. (Is anyone that surprised?)

I've never seen the Granby so filled with young people, nor so crowded. It was a neon night with a black light feel and everyone all dressed in neon and painted - what a day for me to look close to goth, when I'm usually so colourful! Dancing with Clover was a blast. Mark came along after a while and we all danced together, heading outside to the smoking area for a break every once in a while, despite none us being smokers.

Near the end of the night I saw a woman with fantastic curls and complimented her on them; she laughed and guessed that I had similar hair and was trying to figure out how to get the same effect. I pulled my hair over my shoulder and we discussed the technique for a while, moving onto other subjects as Clover hit it off with two of the woman's straight friends. The woman told me her name was Tara. She told me she didn't usually make friends outside connections with her circle of friends. I was excited for some friendship.

We headed inside and Clover danced with one of the straight men while and I danced with Mark and Tara and her friends, always keeping an eye on each other. At some point Tara danced closer to me so we danced a bit more tangled. I was surprised to find a forehead against me but made no comment - I do love dancing with others. After a bit we went back to dancing separately, both of us preferring to be flail!dancers over entwined!dancers.

She invited me out for a smoke and I followed her to the coat area, telling her that Mark was buying me a drink so I should stay inside with him and Clover - but perhaps I'd head outside after. She pulled me in for a quick kiss and it felt wet and I hurried off, wiping my mouth and frowning. It seemed a very inviting 'we may not just talk outside' kiss, which I wasn't up for. When I eventually saw her outside again after some dancing with Mark, I let her know that I was someone to dance with but not someone to do any more with. She didn't seem to believe me, or took it as I was just saying it out of self-doubt or because I was down on myself, which was frustrating because that's not the case. I like dancing; I do not like kissing or intense groping or the idea of going home with anyone. She did tell me she thought I was an incredibly attractive person...I wasn't exactly sure what to do with that, as accepting comments with grace tends to take practice, and it all feels a bit different when it's in the context of club scene hookups.

Mainly I was worried because in the moment it took me to go find Mark at the bar after the brief kiss, I managed to lose Clover - a big No No in a club! So I hurried around trying to find her, including spending lots of time on the stairs (where I gain height) trying to find her head of hair, which I distinctly remembered as I had French plaited before we headed out. I finally saw her upstairs in a guy's lap very intensely connected at the mouth... I stood watching for a while in an attempt to discern if she looked as if she was really into it or being pressured, but she seemed to be having a good time, so I headed off with the intention to stop by again to make sure that was still the case.

Eventually she came running to find me and we hugged for a little while, because it appeared I had been wrong and she had felt primarily pressured ("although he wasn't a bad kisser"). I apologised and told her my story about how I am inadvertently a tease; we hugged more, promising not to split up again. We danced with Mark until the lights came on, including screaming out a Journey song and hearing Lady Gaga's "Born That Way" for the second time in the evening. (I think I will soon grow annoyed with that song - it seems to be becoming the new Anthem for queer youth culture.)

Sigh. I had a nice time, and I like going out...but I wish I could feel more 21 with it. The fact that Clover could feel pressured in a situation with a guy she found a little sketchy and still admit that the kissing itself wasn't bad...it blows my mind. I don't understand how I can find a woman like Tara reasonably intelligent, quite pretty, very fun, enjoy dancing (at points quite close) with her, but as soon as there's a touch of lips I just want to be gone. I can't stand the feeling; it makes me feel gross. It's so frustrating. I know it's always in a certain environment that isn't very stimulating for me in general, but there are so many people who can enjoy kissing in a club setting. I guess I just have to be okay with accepting that I am not one of them.

Things for me to remember: 1) work on not coming off as flirtatious when I am merely interested with someone in a 'you are an interesting person and so I am enjoying conversing with you' sort of way; 2) if there is any awkwardness in telling someone I'm not interested in anything beyond dancing, learn to make the awkwardness an 'I am uncomfortable and I am not interested' awkward and not a 'I am uncomfortable with being uninterested and unsure of myself so you should chase me a little more;' 3) don't dance with people in a way they could interpret as suggestive (and see number 2 in the manner of communicating this disinterest, even if physically expressing it rather than verbally).

It's annoying when my mind is on repeat at clubs, wistfully inquiring, "Why am I not 30? Why am I not 40?" Especially when I see older lesbian friends/couples out dancing - I tend to try to join in with them for some inter-generational fun, and they usually accept me in with amusement, thinking I'm a quirky young lesbian into a different scene from the duckbutt-spiked-slick-straightened-hair youth lesbian culture.

But today I am with Clover at the Global Cafe/Bar with uni students playing acoustic guitar music, liberal men and women of all ages congregating around the place. Low lighting, intellectually stimulating in a way that catches my attention but doesn't make me feel stifled or too involved. ("But it isn't as though he could be objective, so he had to..." [random conversation snippet] "Are you a student? What are you reading? Oh, dissertation? What's it about?" [questions to me].) Much more comfortable! If only there were a fun little section to dance, I'd be all set! Especially if it had music for more interpretive dancing rather than this-music-is-for-hip-movements-imitating-sex dance styles.

Complex creatures, though, humans. I find something to love about both cafes and clubs, no matter how different they are and what different parts of me they fit.

(I also have to find it at least a little amusing that I love lips so much but since have always hated kissing with equal dedication.)


Kiwi

Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life.
[Rachel Carson]
 
 
Current Mood: confusedConfused.
Current Music: Acoustic music at the Global Cafe.
 
 
 
Morninglorybluemorningloryblue on February 27th, 2011 07:40 pm (UTC)
Such an interesting entry! I enjoyed it a whole lot!
Kiwi Crocus: Action || Free hug.cranky__crocus on March 8th, 2011 01:17 am (UTC)
Thank you for your comment! I know how busy (in a good - great! - way) your life is at this stage, so I really appreciate your taking time to read and comment on one of my entries. (: I'm glad you found it interesting enough to merit the read and end up enjoying it! Love seeing the pictures of your beautiful kidling pop up on my flist almost daily. I'm trying to use you as an inspiration to post more pictures!

Kellyddagent on February 27th, 2011 08:16 pm (UTC)
*MASSIVE MASSIVE HUGS*

: )
Kiwi Crocus: Action || Free hug.cranky__crocus on March 8th, 2011 01:18 am (UTC)
*MASSIVE MASSIVE HUGS BACK!* ♥♥♥

:D!
albalarkalbalark on February 27th, 2011 08:30 pm (UTC)
Some people have a lovely, happy personality that might come off as flirtatious, and there is nothing wrong with that. That's just who they are and as long as they aren't promising things they have no intention of delivering, (and I don't mean by implication), how others interpret that is their issue. Nothing I read about here came off as a tease. I just think that people move too fast and expect too much these days, even in the clubs. If you say 'no', that should be the end of it - no explanation required. If it isn't, move away from the offending person ASAP.

That said, don't be wishing you were 40. It sucks, frankly, although I am happy to have made it this far. :-) You have the world and all your dreams ahead of you.

As for the kissing thing, it's not as uncommon as you might think. :-)

Edited at 2011-02-27 10:10 pm (UTC)
Kiwi Crocus: Lips || Sweet watermelon.cranky__crocus on March 8th, 2011 01:23 am (UTC)
Thank you for this! And especially for emphasising that it isn't about implication, but promises. I never make any promises; I just guilt myself into thinking that modern-day implications are firm promises and make myself feel bad for not 'following through.' This is one of the only types of instances in which I actually feel 'peer pressure.' It's obnoxious!

I'm afraid I have to keep on wishing. Or not wishing, really, but looking forward to with hope. *Grins.* I've followed many of my dreams and they have brought me a number of places in the world; I am surprised and grateful. I have a few more, but at this point they are not generally ambitious goals, but more of finding nice living spots. My youth has been hard, harder - I've heard - than many of the youth years others experience. I need to look to my older years with hope, hope that perhaps someday I will feel like I can 'feel my age.' Not that I won't feel young when I'm older - most of the older people I know do! - but that it may feel more comfortable for me.

Perhaps I'll explain it better someday. (:

I'm also relieved to know the kissing thing isn't as uncommon as I think! Based on the amount of locked mouths one finds in these clubs, one might think everyone loves impromptu amateur tonsil inspections!
lash_larue: Complexlash_larue on February 27th, 2011 11:29 pm (UTC)
I would not do well in clubs, I think. Even my young self wouldn't. I find the idea of making out with someone I just met in a bar/club very unappealing.

Likely so would they, but that's beside the point. You can't know where it's been, and osculation for the sake of osculation is on a par with sharing a stranger's toothbrush.

Unless it's Ann-Margret, or Drew Barrymore, or Catherine Deneuve, or somebody like that. Then it's okay.

L
Kiwi Crocus: Lips || Kiwi.cranky__crocus on March 8th, 2011 01:26 am (UTC)
My self does not do well in clubs either, at least beyond the dancing; my self from 18-20 didn't seem to either. I can't wait to grow out of 'club culture' age, really; there are pieces I like, obviously, but the great thing is that even when I grow out of the age I can still go. There are always a few older lesbians there. It'll be nice when I can 'grow into' other venue types too. At least I have the Global Cafe!

Perhaps I'd enjoy kissing them. *Shrugs.* Who knows! (Although I'm afraid as pretty as Catherine Deneuve is, she may not stimulate me intellectually enough for me to enjoy a kiss... )
CaroRulescarorules on February 28th, 2011 03:44 pm (UTC)
Don't feel bad, maybe she thought you were flirting, but it doesn't mean she had the right to kiss you. I am like you, I am not a big fan of bar setting, esp not for romance.

It's hard to have a connection with someone you've only known for an hour or so. No wonder the kissing felt wrong.
Kiwi Crocus: Green || Limey.cranky__crocus on March 8th, 2011 01:28 am (UTC)
Thanks for this! It's a nice reminder to know that even if there is flirtation, it doesn't mean the requirement for consent is gone.

Yeah, I really have no desire to kiss someone within the first few hours of meeting her. It generally takes me longer than that; and even then I haven't found the right environment/girl to actually enjoy kissing. I'm hopeful for the future though!
CaroRulescarorules on March 8th, 2011 03:55 pm (UTC)
You will find Miss Right eventually. It took me a while myself.

Also keep in mind that the first kiss with someone, even if you really like them, can be awkward cuz of nervousness and not being acquainted with the other person lips :P
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Pretty princess.cranky__crocus on March 9th, 2011 04:24 pm (UTC)
Thankfully I'm not looking for Miss Right yet. I'm just looking for Miss Not Wrong; hopefully that will be an easier search for now. (And I suppose I'm not really 'looking' since it isn't active, just waiting.)

Thanks for the reminder! :D
CaroRulescarorules on March 10th, 2011 06:59 pm (UTC)
Yeah, no need to look for it, it might happen without you looking for it. Or maybe when you're ready, then you'll start looking, no rush.