I am not depressed; I am deeply introspective with a slight dramatic flair.

On Air:
The Big Bang Theory: Caught up.
Dollhouse: One epi behind.
Grey's Anatomy: Caught up.
Private Practice: One episode behind.
Glee: Caught up..
Trinity: S01E03.
30 Rock: S02E01.
True Blood: S01E03.

Current
Sailor Moon: S01E12.
Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya: S01E02.
Xena: Warrior Princess: S01E16.
Strawberry Panic: S01E01.
Carnivale: S01E07.
Dr. Horrible: Episode 2.
Scrubs: S01E03.

( Other )

I was thinking that I might fly today,
Just to disprove all the things you say.
It doesn't take a talent to be mean:
Your words can crush things that are unseen.
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

You always tell me that it's impossible
To be respected and be a girl.
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food--
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it to people who have some faith.
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have,
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see.
'Cause anyone can start a conflict,
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle.
We are everyday angels:
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

-- I'm Sensitive, Jewel

Book List for 2009

1) Mystic Faerie Tarot by Linda Ravenscroft and Barbara Moore. ***
2) Melting Stones by Tamora Pierce. ****
3) One Degree of Separation by Karin Kallmaker. ****
4) Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach. *****
5) The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupery. *****
6) The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. ****
7) Odd Girl Out by Ann Bannon. **
8) Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli. *****
9) Slut!: Growing up Female with a Bad Reputation by Leora Tanenbaum. ****
10) Twelve by Nick McDonell. *****
11) This Piece of Eden (Meditations) by Vanessa Rush Southern. ***
12) Kierkegaard in 90 Minutes by Paul Strathern. ***
13) The Lesbian Love Companion (How to Survive Everything from Heartthrob to Heartbreak) by Marny Hall. *****
14) My Old Journal (A tradition when I finish a journal; it counts as a book to me). ***
15) Death The Final Stage of Growth by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. *****
16) How to Be an Adult by Nerissa and Katryna Nields. *****
17) Bad Girls by Jacqueline Wilson. ****
18) Matilda by Roald Dahl. *****
19) Best Lesbian Erotica 2009 edited by Tristan Taormino. **
20) A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. *****
21) How to Survive Summer Camp by Jacqueline Wilson. ****
22) The Suitcase Kid by Jacqueline Wilson. ****
23) Brisingr by Christopher Paolini. **
24) Sprinting Backwards to God by Grandfather Duncan Sings-Alone. *****
25) New Moon by Stephenie Meyer. *
26) The Eyre Affair: A Thursday Next Novel by Jasper Fforde. *****
27) Lost in a Good Book by Jasper Fforde. *****
28) When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit by Judith Kerr. ****
29) Ludmila's Broken English by D. B. C. Pierre. **
30) Astonishing Splashes of Colour by Clare Morrall. *****
31) Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman. *****
32) The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. *****
33) Between Mom and Jo by Julie Anne Peters. *****
34) Drag King Dreams by Leslie Feinberg. *****
35) Wither by John Passarella. ***
36) Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress: Tales of Growing Up Groovy and Clueless by Susan Jane Gilman. ****
37) Faeries' Landing by You Hyun. **
38) Battlestar Galactica: Sagittarius is Bleeding by Peter David. *****


( To Read List )

Every year I start thinking I've abused my livejournal - either neglected it or posted only stupid un-fun, un-Kiwi things. Then I get to surveys like this and realise I haven't. But then, if I live my life with some measure of wit and a full measure of Kiwish energy, how could my livejournal ever truly displease me?

Although I think I'm ditching the loudtwitter thing - I'll post the ones I love at the end of the day or something. Even though some people like reading them. I'd prefer for my livejournal to be a bit more organised. :)

Without further ado! The annual 'first lines of the month' meme for New Years - only I elongated it for some. :P

( A livejournal year. )


Wow, it was a pretty epic livejournal year! Published post and Oh! the Places You'll Go and reading and procrastination! Oh...that does sound about right, doesn't it? Chuckles.

Now I think it's time to go pack so I can head home tomorrow. Oh my goodness that is just too much and too delightful to handle. ♥

i loved that. more later.

sgerhfoajzefoqizjeflkds frakking keyboard. :P i am having far too much frustrated fun with this. even the keyboard smashing is different!

azerty = qwerty. sadness! giggles.

retreat was AMAZING! i'll put more later when i can type without looking again.

10 hours straight of revision. Table of contents, definition pages, summaries of lectures.

Didn't feel I had the time to use any of them. Scrambled around my notes. 50 minutes of torture. Skipped the herbicide questions with intention to go back to them, never got to. Finished with 8 questions out of 25 pretty much completely undone. 16 marks lost immediately.

34 possible. And out of the 50, that gives me top a 68. Which isn't a terrible mark, it's 2 points from an A, it's what I got for my total mark last year. I'm not pleased.

I don't see why he would do that - put 50% of a whole module grade into one 50-minute test with many of them answered in paragraphs. It took a lot out of me to say "Merry Christmas" to him leaving the room. I don't like that. I don't like that I filled out the evaluation seat honestly and it wasn't at all positive. I don't like that, even with the no-bias policy of the university, he still may well know it was me considering there are 9 ecology & conservation majors and even using a different font, my hand-writing is still noticeable. I hope he doesn't pick up on it.

At least the werewolf tabletop roleplay game I went to on Wednesday was excellent. Made up a character with people and for once I'm a fighter. It's entertaining. I've never done one before - it's fun being nerdy.

I think my frustration is keeping me away. I'm too frustrated to even cry. That's a bad sign - I can't even comprehend how stirred up I am to be beyond crying. I don't feel relieved that the term is over. I feel betrayed that a beautiful semester ended in flames.

At least I have the meditation retreat weekend now. I have my pillow next to the computer right now, with some essentials and my little stuffed unicorn Shorty within the pillowcase. I am glad I had Shorty with me to take the exam. Reminded me that life continued outside of the lab. Didn't get to say goodbye to Pip, but it's probably best - I probably would have exploded. I nearly ripped into CJ because around important due-dates/assessments/evaluations she really grates on my nerves. Yes, you're faster at test taking - you told me you didn't know half of them and just put down the most intelligent thing that came to mind. I don't do that.

Very obviously need the time for peace, it seems! And the sleep on the ride up to Derby. I'm going to head out in a minute to check if Palmer Building has my keys, then meet up with Georgina to go to the Centre and then be transported to Derby. Until then I'll finish up on the Internet, read Oh! the Places You'll Go (so I can remember I'll get over the unpleasant bump of falling from my Lurch into a Slump, can get through the Waiting Place to home and keep up moving mountains) and relax.

( Tweet tweet! )

Kiwi: [Asks question about the formality of the seminar and how much work was expected for preparation.]
Michael: [Expresses that it's not as much as I did.]
Kiwi: "Clearly I thinked about it too much..." [Pauses, freezes in shock.] "Thinked?"
Michael: "Thinked."
Kiwi: "My brain is also gone."

He knew about the test I have tomorrow, so I'm sure he understood why I have no brain to speak of. The lecture was wonderful - the relationship of science and technology within their united timeline.

The seminar was slow to start but eventually got up to speed. I brought up the problem of incentive within the foundation of science and the shifting priorities. I brought up the idea of consensus later on - of scientists and of the public - and discussed it for a while. It was a good discussion. Michael congratulated us in the end in that his opinion changed.

When I was about to leave I turned around and smiled at Nick. I thanked mumbled something about, "Just thanking for hosting this. It was wonderful. So thank you." He absolutely lit up, and thanked me for my contribution of concepts and discussion. I decided I spoke too much, he told me I hadn't and thanks again, it was good. He excitedly promised to pass on my thanks to Michael since I had specified I was thanking both of them. I really loved the discussion and thinking about the system of science as a whole, how much of it I simply don't agree with. Probably one of the main reasons I'm not drawn into the world of science on the academic front.

Emma took me to Mojos for a bite to eat. We discussed everything from being self-assured and not caring (to our own detriment) of what other people think to how one can be happy and wise in certain position in life but striving to eventually be stable enough in mind to be content with whatever position one is in, and not live in the delusions that destroy that tranquillity.

A third year was around whom Emma knew, so she called him over. Turns out he took Bob's Weed Biology as well - and that Bob (the professor) is one of his supervisors for his dissertation. The man is apparently as clueless out of the class room as well. Or, going by the student's experience, "He knows nothing." The boy got a 37 when he took the test. He told me there wasn't enough time to write down the answers because so many of them require a long-ish answer and we get 2 minutes per question. So yes, despite the fact that it's open-notebook, it will be incredibly tricky - although I'm not sure if it was open notebook for him.

Now it's twenty to three and I plan to go home and start revising. Going to go through and put sticky notes with what's on each page. Hopefully reading through it will help me as well - it's nothing conceptual, so there's nothing particularly for me to LEARN, just recognise and remember, especially if I then recall location... Argh. I am frustrated. But 24 hours from now it will be done. Hopefully 5 hours or so of revision tonight and 4 hours or so tomorrow morning will be enough. If not, I won't know what else I could have done anyway. At least the consensus is that this is one of the most ridiculous things we'll do - we're shooting to earn a mark a minute with this test, and it's not even an exam. After it all we do have is the exam.

Frak. This. Frakking. Course.

( Tweet tweet! )

[+] I managed to wake up. ([-] I spent the time I usually shower sitting on my bed with my head in my hands, thinking about tests and stress and duedates.)

[+] Lecture was interesting and pleasant; the lecturer swore to good effect. ([-] I almost fell asleep from fatigue&stress.)

[+] Had lunch with Siege.

[-] Didn't work well in the library until the last minutes. ([+] Did finish reading the article.)

[+] Nice time at meditation society. Loten enjoyed my question on lucid dreaming. ([+] Yes, I actually asked a question.) Samatha also got me to speak on my thoughts on Emptiness. There was a murmur of agreement when I was through, and others started speaking more as well.

[-] It is now 5.10 and I still don't have my comments analysed for seminar tomorrow; I don't know what the presentation will actually be. I don't have much time this evening. I've started, and at least I understand the terms to bring up... short summary. I think I can do this. I'll try my best. I'm headed home in a minute, then over to Tom's to have the introductory session for a werewolf table roleplay game.

[+] Yes, I finally get to be a total dork.

[-] 25-question open-notebook test (so harder) worth 50% of my module mark on Friday in 50 minutes, two minutes per question, varying from fill-in-the-blank to paragraphs. Geeze, does that mean each question is worth two points of my freaking mark? Yeah, sometimes thinking of it makes me want to be sick, regardless. I'll be revising/organising 9 hours Thursday night/Friday morning, and that's more than anyone else I've heard...so if I don't get it from those revision sessions, I wouldn't know what else to do anyway. I'll try my best.

[+] I'm leaving now. Off and beyond! Trying not to let my mind's tranquility be affected so darn much. No rocking the boat!

( Tweet tweet! )

Occasionally I post the videos I've been putting on YouTube. I guess I'll do that again! Especially since I gave the link to another friend and she reported that it gave her some insight into who I am. :) Here goes!

I'm aware a lot probably won't be watched because I've posted them all at once, but that's fine! Watch if you want. :) Hope one or two bring a smile.

( I Like Giants )

( History of Everything )

( If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out )

( Chlorine Eyes )

( On the Radio )

( Don't Kiss Me )

( Cocoa in the Snow )

( Winter Song )

( Be OK )

I guess it's time for an update.

[+] My sister has been making my life lately. Making lists with her for what we'll do keeps me going through exhaustion and more.

[-] My laptop crashed while I was speaking with her and Wishi. I think I miss those things more than being able to do my work in bed. Regardless, it's bad to not have a laptop the last week of term. I'm going a bit hattermad.

[+] I have a new ring. It has leaves. I am a leaf person.

[-] We did our presentation the day before it was due, and Jack didn't send me his work until the morning of. I must have saved it in the wrong place because we had the wrong version for our presentation. Simon gave us a break early. Pip had run out of the room to be sick; I ran out with her water and rubbed her back through the break. My head was completely gone when we came back.

[-] Beyond my safe-goof-up (been waiting 10 years for that to happen), I made every mistake in the book for my presentation. I know this because I was a tutor and I TEACH people how to give presentations. I am trying to remember that my most admired teachers & professors have bad days sometimes, and sometimes have to cover stuff they're not good with, bla bla bla. It happens. In the real world I would never have agreed to present this scientific paper: it's rubbish and I don't know how it scraped through peer review into a published journal.

[+] At least it's frakking over. Even though I don't feel relieved or accomplished, it's over. I'm in the small computer lab of Agriculture on a slow computer.

[+] I am going to have a jacket sweet potato and a spoonful of Nutella for tea tonight, because they're my favourite and I deserve it for getting through this day.

[-] I still have to face the rest of the week: lecture, work for seminar, meditation society, work for seminar, werewolf table game or meditation society film, sleep, lecture, seminar with presentation, revision possibly through the night, huge test of fail.

[+] I don't know if I'm in on the meditation weekend retreat because I couldn't give in the deposit last week, but I'll be happy either way because I'll be done. It's not close enough for me to taste yet, but I'm reaching the top of the hill. Then I get to sled down and have a BLAST!

[+] 8 days until I'm home - one day more than a week. I'm going to push to go be the one to pick up my sister from UMass because we'd both love that, and by the end of my term and end of her finals we'll both really appreciate it.

So, that's me. I won't stop being disappointed in myself for my shoddy presentation for a while, but I'll try to forgive myself. At least I have my sister, iPod, ukulele and children's books getting me through. I think I'm going to go read Oh the Places You'll Go! by the light of the Christmas tree in the foyer. I brought the book for confidence; instead I'll use it for decompressing from my day.

OH!

[+] I wore my hair down for the presentation, with braids coming from behind my ears, and I loved it. I also wore a button-down with a tie. I enjoyed that. I like the way I look.

( Tweet tweet! )

Monthly flowetry:

No good comes of pain;
Contorting in my bed linen:
My back bends that way?!

Just to add a touch of humour to the last line.


Dear macro-arthropods:

I currently detest you. Nay, detest those who studied your responses to cultivation, ploughing and frost. Frost you, mates! FROST YOU. I hope you get eaten by the birds in the census I wrote a report on this month.

(That's real ecology there.)

Glares at boring mind-numbing material,
Kiwi


I wish livejournal had 100 icons like InsaneJournal. Clearly LiveJournal is too sane.

( Tweet tweet! )

Of course el-jay starts working the minute I start a 'dear el-jay' letter to slander it.

I miss my days of shorter entries, shorter lines, shorter...shortness.

16-year-old me seems to sum me up pretty well these days:
http://cranky--crocus.livejournal.com/71220.html
http://cranky--crocus.livejournal.com/74646.html
http://cranky--crocus.livejournal.com/74867.html

Today I have learned lessons from Scrubs and worked minimally on my scientific paper presentation, but it's another start. Tomorrow's another adventure.

I find it fascinating that the way I speak (save accent) has not changed incredibly since I was 17 yet my livejournal entries have changed ridiculous amounts. Well POOT on that, I do not want another super long paragraph!

Take that! Here's a new line! OH YEAH.

AKJWDFJWALKJVCWIJEFA DEAR LAST WEEK OF TERM: WHY MUST YOU EAT MY BRAIN? CONFUSION, KIWI

Life is hard with no brain. Off to see the Wizard...in Sleep...oh yes nummy sleep.

P.S. I may get to go pick up my sister from UMass when I'm home! And I edited her paper like a good little fake English teacher with the green highlighter in Word! Really done now. :P

( Tweet tweet! )

( Tweet tweet! )

( Tweet tweet! )