You am what you is and I are who I be.

Don't be shy, just let your feelings roll on by.
Don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there;
Just lift your head, and let your feelings out instead,
And don't be shy, just let your feeling roll on by,
On by...

You know, love is better than a song:
Love is where all of us belong.
So don't be shy, just let your feelings roll on by.
Don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there,
You're there...

Don't be shy, just let your feelings roll on by.
Don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there;
Just lift your head, and let your feelings out instead.
And don't be shy, just let your feeling roll on by
On by, on by, on by, on by...

-- Don't Be Shy, Cat Stevens for Harold and Maude

Book List for 2009

1) Mystic Faerie Tarot by Linda Ravenscroft and Barbara Moore. ***
2) Melting Stones by Tamora Pierce. ****
3) One Degree of Separation by Karin Kallmaker. ****
4) Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach. *****
5) The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupery. *****
6) The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. ****
7) Odd Girl Out by Ann Bannon. **
8) Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli. *****
9) Slut!: Growing up Female with a Bad Reputation by Leora Tanenbaum. ****
10) Twelve by Nick McDonell. *****
11) This Piece of Eden (Meditations) by Vanessa Rush Southern. ***
12) Kierkegaard in 90 Minutes by Paul Strathern. ***
13) The Lesbian Love Companion (How to Survive Everything from Heartthrob to Heartbreak) by Marny Hall. *****
14) My Old Journal (A tradition when I finish a journal; it counts as a book to me). ***
15) Death The Final Stage of Growth by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. *****
16) How to Be an Adult by Nerissa and Katryna Nields. *****
17) Bad Girls by Jacqueline Wilson. ****
18) Matilda by Roald Dahl. *****
19) Best Lesbian Erotica 2009 edited by Tristan Taormino. **
20) A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. *****
21) How to Survive Summer Camp by Jacqueline Wilson. ****
22) The Suitcase Kid by Jacqueline Wilson. ****
23) Brisingr by Christopher Paolini. **
24) Sprinting Backwards to God by Grandfather Duncan Sings-Alone. *****
25) New Moon by Stephenie Meyer. *
26) The Eyre Affair: A Thursday Next Novel by Jasper Fforde. *****
27) Lost in a Good Book by Jasper Fforde. *****
28) When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit by Judith Kerr. ****
29) Ludmila's Broken English by D. B. C. Pierre. **
30) Astonishing Splashes of Colour by Clare Morrall. *****
31) Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman. *****
32) The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. *****


( To Read List )

She said she was coming for "early afternoon" to help me drive around for applications.

Apparently "early afternoon" now translates to "after six and oh I'm bringing my boyfriend."

I am so GLAD I speak Girl! And that I obviously knew this yesterday when she told me she was coming Early Afternoon!

I only have the car until 7 p.m. If she arrives at the train station any later that 6.45, she's going to have to walk to my house.

I am one cranky crocus right now.

Edited to Amend: Oh, no, new translation. "Early afternoon" means "My boyfriend decided not to come and I'll be there after seven."

So I don't have a car to pick her up. My mother will be rushing back from tennis to pick me up so we can go to Interweave. Makuchan will be walking. Mother has agreed to pick Makuchan up if she sees Makuchan.

Which means I won't even really get to see her before I'm saying, "Oh, by the way, I have to dip off for an hour or two, make yourself at home!" which isn't REALLY a big deal because Makuchan and I have been good friends since I was 14 and stuff like this has happened before, but erg, still.

Why does it feel like life stinks so much right now?

ETA(2): Thank goodness my Da is a sweetheart and is letting me borrow the car longer to pick her up and zoom back.

This is not good news. I am totally in one of my funks.

Makuchan and Booby will call at SOME point to tell me what train they're on and I'm going to go pick them up.

At least I get to escape for Interweave from 7.30 until some time. Then back, and I don't know if they're sleeping over. They're going to be all coupley and...I don't know if they exist apart, or if they are just one entity. Whatever.

1) My English cheque book is in England; trying to get in touch with Malcolm to see if I can borrow the house money and get the money back to him as soon as I'm in England.
2) Somehow I still ended up with an ear infection of some sort regardless of using the alcohol in my ear. I will have to use the swimmer's ear junk.
3) Last night was terrible and I have never had a headache that bad in my life.
4) LIVING is just too freaking expensive.
5) I needed to go application-gathering today but I didn't wake up until 3.15, which I understand because last night I felt so terrible and the sleep in the beginning of the night wasn't that great, but it's still really bad that I missed the opportunity to collect apps.
6) We have a house of four driving people with two working cars. The scheduling thing stinks.
7) I don't know what "home" means any more.
8) I can't believe I actually prefer writing/reading fanfiction to having a real life. But it's undeniably true right now.
9) Once again I just want to stay at home in my jammies being slightly productive, watching films and surfing the web.
10) Instead I'm social until Sunday, and then I NEED to have a job, otherwise the world comes crashing down on me and I'll fall more into depression over the fact that my whole household is unemployed and I'm a blackhole for sucking out money we don't have for university and living in a house and I won't be making anything and I won't have a point of existence. And I'll have to go back to England early.

I don't know. I'm just in one of those places where everything is terrible, which completely stinks.

I'm sick of being 19. I don't want to be 20-25. I want to skip the awkward pseudo-adult age. I want to skip the university stress and get to the real world. But then, I don't want to do that either, because that stress is just as scary if not more so. I don't know what I want.

I guess I don't want to have all this fear. Fear of yesterday's impact on today, fear of today's impact on tomorrow, fear of all the tomorrows in general.

I feel like a waste. Oh, if only I could curl up somewhere small with my laptop and some books, not have to worry about price of living or debts I'm collecting or jealousy or loneliness or the American Dream or the English Dream or being useful or having a future.

Sigh. I know everything's going to be alright, because even when things aren't alright things are always fine because we deal with the stuff as it comes and it's all about how to be in the moment and bla bla bla, but I'm definitely in that place where nothing Feels Fine.

I finished watching the first Harry Potter film (on my laptop) and doing some cleaning.

Left a video on joyitude's Facebook because she had been leaving videos places and it reminded me that I've always wanted to try it but never had.

So then I decided that because I wasn't going to the midnight showing, I would make a vlog. I did. Apologies about the beeping. It happens sometimes, doesn't happen others! Tricky and obnoxious!



I got some good stuff done today at the end.

Still have to: get cheque out of get Unc to do it AKA figure financial stuff out with Mum; put up my decorations (which are on a surface, so I'd get another surface back!); go through everything in my room for giveaway stuff; vacuum; scan, write and draw!

I've got like four more prompts, three from the femmeslash kink meme and one from a comment a long time ago. But even if I miss the deadline I'll finish the prompts, just because I'm the kind of person who needs to finish things. Even though they're RPFs and most people won't ever read them anyway. :P Writing is the fun part.

I miss my television and DVD player. Why did my brother have to break the first and steal the second?

Sigh. I used to put on a Harry Potter film every time I wanted to clean my room, and I'd quote the whole thing through as I watched and cleaned.

I am overwhelmed and drowning in my room.

I want to be watching Harry Potter tonight. =(

I just finished my first full song ever. I've been writing songs since I was 13 but I never had an instrument that could go with singing.

It's a super sad song about the passing of someone special, though, so the celebration has to be a little subdued. =[

But it's nice to know that at least I have the capacity to figure out chords that at least sound good with my own songs, even if I'll never be able to do it with covers or anything.

I have seriously been waiting for this moment since I was 13. I feel like this is a huge thing off my Bucket List, even though it's only one song.

They need a Bittersweet mood. So I'm using "curious" and rewriting it.

Snoopy picked me up after work. We went to Target (which disappointed me--no good clearance, always a hit or a miss, and cute bras don't exist for my size) and then the supermarket. Shopping was entertaining. We bought funny cards.

Back at her place I videotaped us making dinner, which was entertaining. We watched an episode of the L Word, I played ukulele and then there was drama. She is in a wildly uncomfortable and complicated situation.

It was still a nice evening with her. I have missed My Person, my best friend! We talk online when I'm in England but of course it isn't the same as sitting in her room together as we've been doing for years. Better than my room, which is nearly almost gross--previously from choice and random cleaning sprees that didn't last long, now from being overwhelmed with all there is to do.

I have to make a choice for what I'm going to do tomorrow night. Try to finagle into Harry Potter (would probably fail), go to Hell for Katie's belated birthday or go to Mira Bar, where Snoopy is banned anyway, for Jason's birthday.

My room freaks me out. I want to scrub it down because of the insects and stuff but...gods, there's so much stuff.

It was intimidating to walk into my room with two suitcases and two carry-ons and know that I had with me everything that I really needed, yet walk into a room already filled with stuff. And it doesn't help if I decide to give things away, because then it just sits around in a pile for a while taking up space in my room. I have two giveaway piles. Now my bed is double because it's got the real futon mattress so that takes up space as well. A desk and two drawers.

I think what I really need to do is get the surfaces cleared. That's one thing that was vital in England for organisation. It's just frustrating because for a year I've been using the same small room and organising things the same way. Now I'm in a new room--and even the old stuff I had as far as furniture I moved around--so I've got to find a new way to keep everything. It's daunting. And there's still so much to go through and get out of the house. I'll have to write up a to do list of sorts to see that I get stuff done.

Also need to not slip like I did tonight with eating too much when I'm not hungry. I used a sandwich as a reward needlessly. I should save food for when I'm hungry and never eat beyond when I'm full, which is not a great deal. I've been really good until now. Need to get back on that and not let the slip last longer than it needs to.

I'm tired so I think I'll just head to bed. Hopefully be up around noonish tomorrow to start on more stuff. Egads. But home is nice.

I be home! The drive was excellent. I thought and dreamed instead of sleeping. Superb. Music. <3

I saved my Hermione Bang story that is no longer my Hermione Bang story! I can now call it my Minerva Bang story 'cause I'm not in HB anymore and I get to call it whatever I want. :P And let's face it, it's really all about the McGonagall.

I get to shower and keep working on my room now. That is exciting. I'm in my room.

Awwwr, love.

Snoopy's on break, then working 'til five. That's not bad. Wonder what she's up to and just texted asking. Perhaps this could inspire me to really put my bootay in gear!

With dancing. Because music, music is still love. As is my body moving. I love music and my body!

Officially packing up the laptop!

That means I'm really going home!

Teeheee. Mum woke me up a second ago. I'm on just-woke-up high heebiejeebie things.

Giggles. I'ma go back ta sleep in another second! In the car. With my little Snoopy sleep mask and my rainbow-spotted blanky and my little Care Bear Bedtime Bear.

Yawn. Nighty nighty!

I just spoke with Jenny from Rowe in a Facebook chat.

It was so beautiful. A Rowe conversation. I'm remembering chapel, time in Lee, time running around with Jenny and my new little vibrator pretending it's our child and introducing it to everyone, time in the orchard and grokking and ghost stories...

She told the story of the last night, or one of them, one of Loony Lee's raids on Horny Henry, our brother cabin. Jenny and Arah in the wood path trying to beat Jesse home, stumbling into the Girl in the White Dress and running back to the Rec Hall until they were on the yard peeing their pants.

Rowe is just one of those places where anything is possible, anything is believable, because it's magic.

I miss the ghost stories of Rowe. The supernatural experience stories of Rowe, scientifically true or no. I love the feeling of it all.

Deep breath and deeper smile. It's a beautiful feeling. One of those feelings that just permeates and settles in the body and mind and possibly soul. I love Rowies.

Rowe was a time of wonder. This conversation reminded me. Ah, Mila, beautiful...

I am awake at half five writing femmeslash smut. Yes, yes, this is the summer.

I also just made another crazy decision. I joined polybigbang with Grey's Anatomy as my fandom, although I made it clear that the new HP film may sway me over to Harry Potter, though it will probably stay GA's. (I have another long fic WIP for HP, after all.)

I'm considering trying to promote that in the Grey's communities, given there has been interest expressed in threesome exploration: Callie/Ari/Addie and Callie/Ari/Eri and Callie/Eri/Addie, so yeah! Plus, somebody's got to even out all the bandom fics that will be going up for that fest!

We watched Big Fish today. I adored that film. I had all sorts of thoughts I wanted to share from what inspired me to consider with my life, but I'm not sure I want to go through the effort of thinking it all up again and typing it up!

Basically it reminded me that I really want to work on the art of spoken stories, because they're so different from written word stories and so beautiful in their own right.

I was also reminded that that's the way I want to be remembered and a similar fashion to the way I wish to go--all about the story and the community I stirred.

I pictured my deathday. I want to be around 80 and I would love to die on my birthday (this was prior to Harold and Maude, I admit with a chuckle). I've wanted to die on my birthday since I considered the concept of dying and, beyond that, MY death. I would like my birthday to be the day people remember me and think of both my birth and death, rather than splitting up the two into two bittersweet days. I would love it to be a full circle.

Haha. I have fantasies of my own death, so bizarre! Dying on my birthday, a nice round age...that sounds wonderful.

As is writing 3250 words of smut in one day for the First Annual Femslash Kink Meme.

We're going home tomorrow! My stuff's in my room, all ready to go.

I also have the terrible urge to turn this icon into one with text that involves writing not-safe-for-work stories. Snork.

Sometimes my mind explodes.

Like when I talk to a friend I used to have in high school who moved to Florida, and we're talking about RENT and being environmental majors and being hippies with our guitars or ukuleles and songs and the forest, and then I look at her Facebook.

And her political views are that she's a Republican Hippie. Which, hey, fine by me, it confuses me a little, but whatever floats your liberal-non-liberal boat. I'm not going to pretend I know politics so I'm not going to pretend I know whether it's an oxymoron or not, 'cause I don't know.

And then I look down and see "Sarah Palin" as a fan page, legitimately, not in jest. And just like I won't pretend to know things, I also won't lie--I get confused. So I'm confused.

I also find it terrible that I forget Republicans exist because I live in such a liberal bubble of life.

But I'm also an ignorant creep who barely knows the difference between Democrats and Republicans, or at least wouldn't be able to list them on my fingers or anything.

My mind is protesting how a super-pretty hippie girl could be a Palin-loving Republican. And then the protest ignites and my mind explodes. So, er, sorry if I got my brains on you. Throw them in the rubbish bin and all is good.

I'm not going to let it make me feel guilty about using Palin in crazy RPF/fiction fic of doom. I refuse. Because I...I am crazy. And someday, when just hearing the word "politics" doesn't bore me into snoozing, I will learn about politics. That day may be tomorrow. But I'm not going to lie (again), it probably won't be. Politics does not run in my family.

I slept 'til morning-time, waved Grampa and Memere off, slept until two again. Lazy day. Trip to days with Dweeb and Da.

We came back to an invasion. A mother-invited invasion. She was also completely smashed. I shake my head at the memory.

We all hate how she is when she drinks, at least when she drinks and the depression peeks (or, you know, rams) through.

I got talking with Riko (or somethin') after I spoke with his wife. Riko is an Aggie alumni. Colour me shocked when he said, "I'm an Aggie bum too!" Apparently he was in Coops student class (Coop was my vice principal when I went) and they hated him when he was a student, so they threw him out a window. Yeah, that's why you don't mess with the ag. mech. boys, ya hear?! They have tractors! And three-story buildings for throwing! But we laughed at Kamp Hell slash Kemp Hall, so all was good. And Riko and his wife really liked me.

Kate, Sean's wife, also came, and was equally smashed. Given she's an alcoholic. Oh, Maine, you offer the strangest situations. So I got touched on my head a lot and called adorable and people panted all over me about how wonderful I am--which, you know, normally great and all, not so much with the drunkies. But I was proud of myself for how long I lasted and how positive I stayed.

I just couldn't do it when Mum came back with Kate after Kate had changed clothes. I stayed for a bit more. She started slurring about how wonderful and intelligent and beautiful her daughter was, and she was going to move onto more theatrical topics, so I dipped out to "get a Sprite." That was code for, "I'm getting the hell out of here."

"Getting a Sprite" turned into a three-hour trip with my uncle on his Harley motorcycle into Augusta for smokes and a meal at Wendy's. We talked a lot. It was another nice bonding experience. It rained on the way back, but I still thought it was beautiful. It was icicles against my face and I adored every minute of it.

Motorcycles are also incredibly sexy. They vibrate a lot at low speeds. Shucks, whaddyaknow? Laughter.

I also decided that though I used to be a blonde babe (in training) on the back (or driving) a bike, now that I'm brunette I'm going to go for brunette bombshell. Works for me. I think I look just as good on the back of a bike, if not better. Sultry smile.

Also, today my self-esteem was incredibly high. Random much? It definitely was not due to drunken droolery of my relatives and the Maine Drinkers. Perhaps it was from speaking eloquently (you would never guess from my entry) and zapping out a few one-line zingers at the expense of some of the drinkers. I got a few chuckles from those still able to stand without wind-oriented wobbles.

Dweeb and I are going to try to convince the fam. to let us go on the move tomorrow to get back home. Mum's going to push for Monday, as she has been. Well, she will after she gets over being upset about ditchers (blush) and hangovers (worse). I'd like to have Monday as a full day at home. That would be nice.

We got her Reese's Peanutbutter Cups. She's gotta forgive us. It's the rule of grown-up 14-year-old women and chocolate. A story written through the ages!

I also think I've been reading too much Callica, Calzone and solitary-Erica, because I'm sounding like a weird hybrid between Arizona and Erica. Or maybe I always have been. Shrugs. As long as I can have some Snark with my Silly, I'm alright. G'night, folks!

Also, it seems that my mother is bringing up future love interests a lot.

I suspect she is noticing my lack of action in the romance field! Ohnoes!

I think she is impatiently waiting for her little girl to fall in love. :P

Snork. Well, if she would set me up with someone, maybe that would happen! I'd trust my mother's picks!

Remembering a conversation I had with my mother a day or two ago (time totally doesn't really exist in Maine).

Mum: "Or, you could have some woman you love living with you here! And you could be upstairs, guest room downstairs, room for both..."
K: [Sits back and grins.] "I think I'm going to need a Space Woman."
M: "No no no! You can't end up with someone spacey! You're spacey! You need someone who isn't!"
K: [Reigns herself back in from Planet Kiwi.] "What? Oh, no! I don't mean someone spacey, like, Space Cadet, like the Stalleys. I mean, like, a woman who enjoys her space. So we can both go, 'Alright, I need me time now! See you later!' and go to separate rooms. I know I couldn't end up with someone spacey! We'd burn the house down!"

And in conclusion, that is why I cannot end up with an astronaut, and why my girl!crush on Antoinette was doomed from the very start.

Today was nice. I hung with Craig at the beach and, as I am wont to do, chattered too much. But my chattering is more subtle than my mother's, so all is good. Joy was had by most. Noralee was attacked by all the rabid runts (er, children) of the colony when she was peacefully reading on her lazy raft slash comfortable float.

Grampa and Memere leave tomorrow. It was nice having them. Unc's friend Wendy came up. She's very attractive and fun and we fangirled Steve Irwin together, both admitting that we cried when he died. I approve. I hope my uncle hooks up with her now that she's over being upset with her divorce, or as over divorces as people get without long expanses of time.

I had an amazing Community Talk with the girls at erica_leaves. I sort of started a harem for two of the amazing writers there. Because as a role, I tend to take on the Court Jester. Grins perversely. The silly little girl who prances around being somehow snarky and quirky and perky all at the same time! Lots of jokes about harems and taking over the world with smut and many other fun things. I had a darling time.

I made it through all the Calzone. I finally changed my profile layout so I like it! Fancy that, after six years on the site. Shakes head and smiles wryly.

I think I'm going to head to sleep soon. Feels strange that starting Sunday I have to join the real world again. That's frightening.

----------------
Now playing: Cat Stevens - Oh Baby It's A Wild World
http://foxytunes.com/artist/cat+stevens/track/oh+baby+its+a+wild+world

I give up on trying to find the perfect Kiwish Arizona icon of Silly McPerk, heelys or something.

It's doughnut time, people.

I'm wanted at the beach. Which would mean swimming. And owwy ears.

Shakes fist. Drats you ouchy ears!

I am now in a relationship with myself on Facebook. Kiwi St. and Keywii St. I am happy with that. It is an open relationship.

My grandparents came up today. It was lovely to have them around. I canoed with Grampa and chatted with Memere.

We had a campfire with s'mores. Craig came up and fun was had.

I don't know what it is about Maine that can make a girl feel lonely. The cabin and the lovely solitude, somehow it makes me wish I had someone special to share it with.

Today I imagined lips pressed softly against the crook of my neck and a gentle arm tucked around my waist as I sat watching the fire. It was a first. I hope that is not further proof that I am going insane.

I've been feeling the summer-time occasional loneliness since I was 14, since I understood that in my life I wouldn't mind that form of temporary companionship either. It's been half a decade. Sometimes it makes me grin, shake my head and laugh. Other times I frown. Many times I do both.

Today I'm just smiling. Sometimes it's maddening to know I have another wait ahead of me, but most of the time I'm just excited. For the seduction (both ways) and the snuggles and the campfires. I'm excited to see how it falls into play.

Today I pictured myself in an embrace, in a relationship, being comforted and held... I wasn't repulsed. I smiled confidently and knew it was attainable. It may not be much, but it's something.

It's only 3 a.m. and I'm considering sleep. Progress is sweet.

I am finally going to shower so I stop wanting to rip my head off and throw it out the window.

My mother just laughed and pointed at the wood stove. "Er, I tried to burn a book." She tried to burn one of Grammie's old romance novels. That is hilarious! "It, urm, didn't burn." I told her you had to rip them up first.

Unk just lit the filter of his cig instead. He's been smoking since he was a teenager.

I, er, laughed. Really really hard. And said, "Smoking fail!" which I probably shouldn't do, but, well, I do.

And now I smell like smoke again. Throws a McTantrum. Fack this shite, my mates, I am going to freaking shower!

Ahoooooooooooooooo!

(Mum then mentioned making guacamole. So I squawked. And she said, "Yup! We'll make Kiwi some guac if she squawks for it!" My mother and I stood around squawking. Have I mentioned that not a single one of us is sane?)

Some things give me hope.

Like my father coming down at 1 a.m. with his laptop, yawning and grumbling, and setting up a computer game.

Like my father's response when I ask, "Couldn't sleep?" Just a mumble and, "Well, I could..." because clearly he wants to be awake doing something else.

Like my father opening up a game that looks like a bunch of microbes wiggling around on a screen. And my remarking, "Wow, looks like the stuff I did in university" and his responding, "It probably isn't too different!" But it's remarkably cute.

Like eating melted ice cream at 2 a.m. and thinking, "Whirled Peace. Cool. I be more people would be into World Peace if it came with ice cream," which doesn't make sense, but somehow manages to when it's late and the world feels quiet but time feels right.

Like speaking with a woman from my church who is a teacher at my old junior high. Talking about how it's unusual, but student/teacher relationships can get close and under skin, and so few people understand--only the people who have seen it happen.

So, tonight I have hope. Tomorrow I may be frustrated. Tomorrow I may be Mad, like a hatter, like a catty feline hatter, but tonight I have hope. Maybe tomorrow night I'll have hope too.